It was a mixture of shame, about the way I acted toward him, and fear. I wish I had made different decisions because I miss him. He hasn’t stopped by or called for the last two days and now I’m not sure if he ever will. My period is over, but I still feel like shit. Absolute fucking shit.
I was so afraid we would ruin our friendship by trying for something more. The man told me he loves me, and I didn’t say it back, even though I feel it. I ignored him even when he was trying to be there for me.
I’m the only one to blame for our friendship being ruined. For everything being ruined.
When someone knocks on my door, I stiffen because I don’t know if it’s Corbin or not. Do I want it to be? Yes. The only answer to that question is yes. I want it to be him so damn badly, but I’m pretty sure the ship has already sailed.
Tears fill my eyes when I shuffle to the door and look out the peep hole to find Isabella on the other side. She has a fury about her which has me opening the door and blurting, “Did Sterling do something?”
Her eyes narrow at me, but her voice is calm and collected. “Why would you think Sterling did anything?”
“You have this,” I pause to try and put it into words, “air about you that is screaming pissed off.”
Bella pushes past me into my apartment and looks me up and down before looking around at the state of my place. Not going to lie, I haven’t been doing a great job at cleaning up after myself since I told Corbin to leave. I tried to blame it on hormones, but it wasn’t true.
“I’m not here about me, I’m here about you,” Bella’s words have an edge of authority to them.
Oh, so she’s in full-on big sister mode. I sigh and shuffle back to my couch to plop down and curl my knees up to my chest.
“You don’t need to be here for me,” I insist, but it sounds weak. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine,” she snaps. “You’ve been different for the past week and I’m not sure what is going on, but I have a feeling it has something to do with Corbin. He’s called me a few times to make sure you’re doing okay, and I wasn’t going to lie to him. I told him you’ve been lifeless and walking around like a zombie.”
“You did what?” I’m seething now as I stare at my big sister. “You had no right to talk to him about me.”
She looms above me, which is only possible because I’m sitting down considering we’re almost the same height, and her hands come down on her hips. “You will tell me what the fuck is going on and you will do it now,” she demands.
When my eyes fill with tears, she softens and sits down next to me, pulling me into her arms. I take the comfort because I need it. As she pets my hair, I let it all out. I tell her about the conclusion I came to about my coal and wanting a baby. I tell her about asking Corbin to donate his DNA to the cause and his willingness to do it, but without the involvement of a plastic cup.
Bella gasps, but I can hear the amusement in her voice, “You had sex with Corbin?”
I mumble, “Yeah, a lot of it and it was the best. It was,” I sigh dreamily, “everything.”
“Okay, I don’t need details, but then why isn’t he here? Why is he calling me to find out how you’re doing?” She takes a breath as if she’s steeling herself before she whispers, “He sounded like shit, Justice.”
“It was my fault,” I confess before I tell her about how things progressed with us.
I tell her about how it became more than sex. How he gave me baby related presents for Christmas, and I point out the ornament hanging on the tree I still have up in my apartment because I couldn’t bear to take it down. When I tell her about how I asked to keep it secret for Christmas day, I can tell she wants to scold me, but she keeps it inside.
Then I tell her about him telling me he loves me and that he’s all in, no matter what. I look at her when I say those words, needing to see her reaction. The way her eyes fill with tears tells me everything I need to know. I fucked up. Bad.
I can barely tell her what I did next, but I force the words past the lump in my throat and Bella’s eyes are understanding and full of empathy. I’m damn glad I don’t see pity there. I don’t think I could handle the pity.
“You need to make this right, Justice,” her voice is firm.
“I don’t know how,” I whisper. “I’ve never wanted it to work out with a guy before and I never cared if it did. They were just fun, but with Corbin it’s different.”
She grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. “Do you love him?”
“So much,” my voice breaks and the tears I’ve been trying to hold back start to trail down my cheeks. “I feel like I’ve ruined everything and with every day that passes I get farther and farther from what I want, but I don’t know how to get back to it now.”
“You need to be honest with the man. He deserves that much.”
“I know, but I kept pushing him away.” I force my eyes to meet hers and give voice to what has been eating me from the inside out. “What if he doesn’t want me anymore?”
“Justice,” she breathes out and wraps me up in a hug, “love doesn’t work like that. You need to have a little more faith in him and give him more of your trust. He wouldn’t have just stopped loving you. I saw how he looked at you at Christmas. Hell, if I’m being honest, I’ve seen how he looks at you for years. He might not have even realized it and this whole baby thing brought it into focus for him.”
“That’s what he told me,” I whisper and bury my face in my sister’s shoulder.