I’d wait forever for her as long as she lets me continue to show her just how good we can be together.
CHAPTER 9
JUSTICE
It’s New Year’s Eve Day and I’m pretty sure I’ve fucked up my entire life. It’s all my fault and now that I’m here, I’m not entirely sure how to get everything back on track. I wish I could blame it on anyone else, but it just isn’t possible.
I have to take the blame and it sucks. Big time.
I froze up when Corbin told me he loves me. I should have said it back. I felt my love for him down to my soul, but I’ve never said those words to anyone. I know Corbin hadn’t either, but he was brave, and I became a big scaredy elf in the face of his love.
I tried to form the words, but they got stuck in my throat and then it felt like my tongue was too big for my mouth. I don’t know why I couldn’t do it. I was screaming it in my head.
He still held me tight and didn’t let me go all night.
When I was able to pull myself from his arms early the next morning, I went into the bathroom and felt devastation like I’ve never felt before. I wasn’t pregnant. The sob that escaped my throat was so loud it must have woken Corbin up, or maybe he was awake when I pulled out of his arms.
Thankfully I had already cleaned up and put in a tampon before I broke down in tears and Corbin burst through my bathroom door. He took one look at me, and his face fell, but, to his credit, he covered it up as quickly as he could.
The next thing I knew, I was wrapped up in his arms as he pressed kisses all over my face. “It’s okay, babe,” he whispered softly, trying to soothe me. “This just means we’ll be trying again. I’m not going anywhere,” he assured me. “I’m all in, Justice, all in. We’ll keep trying until you’re knocked up.”
“You don’t have to do that,” I barely choked out and he stilled.
“Yes, I do,” he insisted. “I love you and you want a baby. I’m going to give you everything you want which is in my power to give you. You knew it might not happen the first time we tried. We need to trust in each other and let nature do it’s thing. We’ll see how it goes and then we’ll seek medical help when we need to.” His arms tightened around me. “We’ll figure it out.”
My biggest fear, the one I wasn’t willing to voice, since the moment I realized what my coal even is bubbled out of me, “What if I can’t have children?”
“There is more than one way to have a child. You have so much love to give.” There was so much conviction in his voice that it only made me cry harder, “We’ll be given the right little one for us.”
I don’t know how long I sobbed against his chest. I wasn’t prepared for the feeling of devastation. I tried to brace myself for it. It didn’t work very well at all. I felt a loss down to my soul which I knew wasn’t even mine to feel.
Once I had gotten all my tears out, Corbin led me back to bed and sat me down on the edge before lowering himself to his knees and cupping my face in his hands. His brown eyes were so earnest, “What can I do for you? Are your periods bad? Do you need ice cream? A heating pad?”
I blinked at him and didn’t even know what to say for a moment. As if everything with Corbin hadn’t already been uncharted territory, a man offering to take care of me like he was threw me for a loop. I was a jumbled mess, it’s the only thing I can blame for what happened next.
I squared my shoulders and his eyes turned wary. “I don’t need anything from you, Corbin. I think it’s best if I do this part by myself.” He opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off, “I don’t want you around while I’m on my period. It’s not as bad as it is for some women, but I don’t need you here to treat me like I’m sick. I’m not. It’s normal. It happens every month,” I sucked in a sharp breath with those words because it felt like I had twisted the knife in my own gut at the reminder.
“I just want to take care of you, Justice,” his voice was soft and pleading.
I couldn’t look into his eyes anymore and I turned my head. “I don’t need you to take care of me.”
My words held a finality. Even as my heart was breaking with my own actions, I couldn’t stop them. It was like having an out of body experience. Part of me was screaming to make it right, to look at the devastation in his eyes at the way I was pushing him away and take it back. The other part of me couldn’t stop and egged me on, telling me to keep going, to destroy, annihilate. Just like my dreams of growing a little baby felt like they were smashed against the ground.
I knew it wasn’t his fault. I knew it was just a matter of it not happening right away, something I also knew wasn’t a guarantee. I knew it. I fucking knew it.
I couldn’t stop myself.
I could feel Corbin’s sadness as he leaned over and kissed my forehead before he collected a few things he had brought over and then left. I knew he wanted to fight with me about it, but I refused to look at him. I refused to give him a single inch.
I was fuming. Burning. Hurting.
I couldn’t stop. I wanted to, but I just…couldn’t.
Then I curled up in my bed and cried. I let my sisters know I wasn’t going to be in the bakery and they both wondered if I was okay. I lied and said I just wasn’t feeling well. Actually, it wasn’t a lie because I was feeling like shit. I just didn’t specify in what way I wasn’t feeling well.
The next day I pulled myself together and went into work and put on a brave face. I smiled at the customers. I was chipper with my sisters. I was exactly the person everyone expected me to be. Even as my soul was twisting up inside and guilt was eating away at me.
I was lonely when I went home. I looked at the ornament Corbin had gotten me on the tree, and I remembered his words. It gave me comfort, but that didn’t stop me from ignoring Corbin when he called me and when he knocked on my door.