“Just go,” she implored, in a voice thickened with tears. “You know it is so hard for me when I am next to you like this.” She took a deep, ragged breath. “I am betrothed. And even if I was not, it would still be impossible for us.”
“Do you know how difficult it is for me thinking of you with that man?” he asked, his face taut. “If you feel jealousy over the thought of me with Sally, I feel exactly the same about you and him.” He paused. “Especially since I am certain to lose you to him. And he does not deserve you at all. He is not fit to wipe your boots, Evelina.”
She blinked back tears. “He is not my choice,” she said in a tight voice. “I would never have chosen him. I told you that. My brother has meddled in my life and my father has let himself be swept away with it.” She hesitated. “If my life was my own and I could choose, you know I would choose you. You have nothing to be jealous about.”
“How can I not be jealous?” he asked, looking so pained that her heart lurched. “Even if it is not your choice to be with him, you will still belong to him.” He exhaled slowly. “Do you know how tormented I am, thinking of you with him? That you will be his wife? You will lie with him every night of your life, Evelina, while I dream of you.”
She gasped, gazing at the naked pain on his face, knowing that there was nothing she could say to fix it. Nothing she could do to change it. They had both never intended this, but it had happened and they both had to live with the consequences of it. Forever.
But even though her heart ached to see his pain, she also gloried in his words. She no longer had any doubt that he felt as strong for her as she felt for him. She wasn’t just a passing fancy, nor had he pursued her as a challenge, because she was the lady of the manor. It had been the same for him as it had been for her: they had simply been intensely attracted to each other. And attraction, and affairs of the heart, clearly didn’t respect the boundaries of class.
She swallowed a lump in her throat. “Do not be foolish,” she whispered. “You will meet someone else and marry one day. It is the way of life.”
His face contorted. “Perhaps,” he said in a doubtful voice. “But at the moment, I cannot think it will ever happen. You are the only woman I desire. I fear you are the only woman I willeverdesire.” He hesitated, reaching out a hand, slowly stroking the side of her face. “When you collided with me and I saw your face for the first time, I was struck as if by lightning from the sky. I have never beheld a face as fine as yours, Evelina.”
She shuddered at his words, and the feeling of his fingers trailing down her face. She was being drawn into his spell once more. All her resolve to end what was between them was gone, as if it had never existed. The risks were manageable now… or at least, had faded into insignificance beneath the force of their mutual desire and longing for each other.
“But it isn’t just your beauty, as overwhelming as it is,” he continued, his voice trembling with emotion. “I feel fully myself in your presence. Time flies. I love talking with you and justbeingwith you. It feels as natural to me as breathing… and as necessary.”
Evelina shuddered with delight again. For what he had just said matched her feelings about him exactly. She had never felt so comfortable, so fully herself, in the presence of anyone else. It was as if she was swept away on a magic carpet to some wondrous world every time she was in his presence. A world that was forever denied her without him.
“I know we can never be together,” he said, his voice pained. “I am not asking you to run away with me. I would never ask you to do such a thing, to sacrifice your entire life for me. I know I must learn to live without you, eventually.” He paused. “But I cannot keep away from you now, Evelina. I have tried and failed utterly.” He bent his head as he spoke the words, as if admitting defeat.
She nodded. It was exactly what she felt, as well. “It is risky,” she whispered, her heart pounding hard. “Very risky. But I want you as much, Jude. It is like a flame consuming me.”
His face transformed at her words. “Will we let tomorrow take care of itself?”
She contemplated what he was asking. They were alone in the woodlands. No one knew they were together. Her heart flipped over in her chest like a pancake.
“We could go to the hiding place again,” she whispered.
He nodded, taking her hand. “Let us do that. I do not have long before I must return to duty.” He sighed heavily. “I want you so much, Evelina. My entire body feels heavy with it.”
Her heart flipped again. They didn’t speak another word as they turned and started walking back towards the estate together. His hand gripped hers tightly, as if he never wanted to let her go. And she didn’t want to let go, either.
Chapter 25
When they were almost to the house, Jude stopped, gazing at the pristine meadow covered in thick snow ahead of them. They had just left the woods, and the sky was a bright blue arch above them, the snow glittering and twinkling like a thousand tiny diamonds beneath the sun’s rays.
Evelina gasped in wonder. It was exquisite.
Jude turned to her. “Do you want to make snow angels again?” he whispered, grinning down at her.
Evelina felt a burst of joy in her heart. “Yes. I would like that very much indeed.”
He didn’t say another word. He just gripped her hand tighter, pulling her across the meadow. The snow was so thick that she stumbled. Her shoes were sodden and the hem of her gown wet, but she couldn’t care about that at all. She felt as light-hearted and carefree as a child, going on a wonderful adventure.
When they reached the middle of the meadow, they flopped down onto their backs, spreading their legs and arms wide. Evelina gazed up at that perfect blue sky. It was so clear that she could still faintly see the outline of the moon; a translucent circle that was barely discernible.
“How beautiful it is,” she whispered in pure wonder, her eyes filling with the blue. “I could stay here forever.”
He laughed softly. “I could as well. The sky here is so majestic.”
She turned her head to him, studying his profile as he gazed up at the sky. “I wish I knew everything about you,” she whispered. “I wish I knew everything about your life.”
He turned his head, gazing back at her steadily. “There isn’t much to know, Evelina,” he said, smiling faintly. “You know all of it already. I grew up in an orphanage and left when I was fifteen. I’ve worked many jobs since then.”
She sighed, thinking about the boy that he was growing up in that orphanage. He had told her it hadn’t been a terrible experience. The orphanage where he was raised was better than a lot of them, but she still felt such sorrow at the thought. He had never known the joy and love of growing up within a family, like she had. Or at least, he couldn’t remember it.