“Were you and her…” her voice trailed off.
“Never. Acer would have murdered me if I had tried anything. I won’t lie. There was a point where I had hoped that she would see me as a potential male for romantic interactions. Now I know that no matter what, Acer will always be her male and that I only wanted her because I was afraid she would be the only one I could ever touch.”
I sighed. “If you are tired of running, than I am tired of being lonely. Of watching other cyborgs find their females and be able to touch them without fear. Existing without touch is unbearable.”
Under all the metal and wires hid a heart that wanted to fall in love and be loved in return. But how do you love someone when you can’t even touch them? What female would agree to stay if I was unable to hold her or kiss her or make love to her? “Sex is messy, Oz. Fluids fly everywhere. What happens if the first time we have sex, you see a look of revulsion on my face that I am unable to hide?” I buried my face in her hair, my frame trembling.
“Hey, you’re holding me now, right? And you kissed the hell out of me in the hallway. So far, you have accomplished two out of three. If you’re not ready for the third yet, you should know you are safe with me, too.” Her thumb stroked the along the back my hand. “Nothing will ever happen that you’re not ready for or without your consent.” She let out a nervous laugh. “We’re quite a pair, aren’t we?”
Twisting in my hold, she rolled until she was facing me. “Maybe that is why we work, Viper. My damage recognizes yours.” Lifting her fingers, she trailed them over my jaw. “This okay?” she whispered.
I nodded. She began to map the shape of my face with her fingertips. Tracing them over my cheeks, nose, and lips, her touch light and soft, treating me with caution and care. She touched me with reverence, and I soaked up every drop.
“I want you to know, Viper. I want you to know it all. And if at the end, if you decide you’ve changed your mind, it’s okay. I won’t hold anything against you. But if you decide to stay, then youstay.” She gripped my chin, holding it firm between her fingertips, her eyes boring into mine. “And we do this. We do all the messy and difficult parts as well as the soft and sweet parts. We do it all.”
All I could do was nod, a lump in the back of my throat, my heart hammering behind my metal ribs.
She took a deep breath and then began to speak, trusting me with her past.
Oz
My mouth opened, the words I had kept in for so long pouring out like someone had turned on a tap. “My father was a bastard. He blamed me for my mother’s death. He told me it was my wicked, black soul that killed her when I was born.” I heard Viper’s gasp, but I couldn’t stop. Not now. These things inside me needed to be purged. I would never feel clean or worthy otherwise.
Pushing myself away, I sat up, needing some space. Viper frowned but didn’t try to stop me. He sat up, too, watching me intently. It was both unsettling and reassuring. I had never had anyone that focused on me, and I wasn’t used to it.
At the same time, it didn’t feel like he was trying to box me in or put me on the spot. It was like he wanted to be there in case I fell apart. That if I broke, he would be there to catch me.
Hugging my knees to my chest, I continued. “I was thirteen when he came to my room drunk. Telling me that I looked like her and that it didn’t matter what he did because I was already tainted. That it was my fault for…” I choked back the tears threatening to fall. He couldn’t hurt me anymore. “I fought him off. Managing to get away, I ran. I slept huddled under a bridge that night. I had nowhere to go. No one to help me.” The memories were playing like a vid file in my mind. One I couldn’t shut off.
“The next morning, an old man found me. He gave me something to eat. Told me he could teach me things that would help me survive on my own. I didn’t know if I could trust him, but what else could I do? I had no credits. I was a skinny thirteen-year-old girl with nothing but the clothes on her back. I never would have survived on the streets alone. “
“I got lucky. Earl was a good man. He taught me how to hack things. Turns out I had a knack for it.”
Earl’s face floated in front of my mind’s eye and I smiled. “He was stern and wasn’t one for coddling me, but he didn’t try to touch me. Didn’t shout at me or hit me. Years went by and he and I made a living hacking into things for people that weren’t the most law-abiding citizens. The work kept our bellies full and a roof over our heads.” I shut my eyes, trying to block out what came next. “The last job we did together, I fucked up. Earl swore everything would be okay. That things happen and I’d do better the next time.”
“I think he knew what was coming when he sent me out for supplies that morning.” His last act had been to keep me safe. A sob crawled up my throat. “When I returned, I called out for him, but no one answered. Deep in my gut, I knew something was wrong, but nothing prepared me for…for what I found.”
His small bedroom had been covered in blood. The walls, his bed, the floor. Every inch splattered in red. “I found his body on the floor beside his bed. He had been beaten so badly I had a hard time recognizing him.” I had sat with him, unable to leave, and not knowing who to call. No one cared about people like us. No one cared about an old hacker who had been brutally murdered.
Onlyme.
“I vowed I would find who killed him and I would show them no mercy.” I lifted my head and met Viper’s eyes. “I kept that vow.”
I waited for Viper to show any sign of horror at what I had done, but he had none. Understanding glimmered in his dark violet gaze. Viper had probably made vows of his own.
And the look on his face gave me no doubt that he had kept them. I hoped one day he would share them with me.
My palms were sweaty, so I wiped them on my pants. I hated this part the most. I had been stupid. And desperate. Two things that made clear decision making nearly impossible.
“After that, I wandered the streets, alone and hungry. I tried to find odd jobs, but no one wanted to employ a dirty girl from the streets. So when the first guy came along promising me things, I believed him. When you are cold and hungry, you will believe almost anything. Like when he told me that he loved me. That if I gave him what I wanted, he would keep me safe. He was a liar.”
My mouth went dry, a pounding in my ears. “Once he got what he wanted, he left.” Memories went off like flash bangs inside my head. No matter how far I ran, I couldn’t escape them.
“The ones that came after him were worse. One tried taking what he had wanted without asking. Another told me that if I wanted to eat, I had to work for it. And I am sure you can guess what he wanted.”
Unwanted tears blurred my vision. “Ask me, Viper. Ask me if I did it.” I had. Because I had been on the street for months, starving and cold, and if I had to use my body to get what I needed than so be it. I also robbed the fucker blind, getting enough to get away and vanish without a trace. Plus, I might have hacked all his accounts and sent him away to prison for all the dirty dealings he been engaged in.
“If you won’t ask, I’ll tell you anyway. I did, then cleaned out all his bank accounts. He thought I was easy prey. But I had learned by then that the only person who would take care of you was you. He took advantage of me, so I returned it in spades.”
I pushed myself off the bed and waved a hand over my body. “I am not sorry, Viper. You do what you need to survive. But it kills a part of you no matter how hard you try to avoid it. The shame eats you up inside. That you weren’t stronger. That the monsters took one look at you and knew…they knew you would fall for anything because you had nothing.”