CHAPTER44
SERENITY
My heart was in my shoes as I moped around my apartment, unpacking but still so confused and hurt by Bart’s actions that I didn’t think I’d remember where I’d put anything I was taking out of my bags. Still, it felt like it was important to push forward, to unpack everything and to stow my suitcases back in my closet so they could start gathering dust again.
The trip was over, and for as long as I could see my bags or anything in them, that was all I would be able to think about. That it was over and that I still had no idea what had gone wrong. Everything had been going so damn well and then it just hadn’t been.
Bart had barely spoken to me since I’d come out of that room after talking to Leah, and while I’d been burning to ask him what’d happened, I just hadn’t been able to do it. Partially because I didn’t think he’d have told me even if I had asked, but also because I wasn’t sure I really wanted to know.
Whatever it was, it must’ve been huge to have made him do such an instant one eighty. I just didn’t know if I was in an emotional place where I could deal with something that big right now. In fact, I knew I wasn’t.
I felt hollow inside, like my organs had been ripped out and replaced with scratchy fluff that irritated and hurt my skin. Actually, everything hurt. My heart. My head. My very soul.
The first—and only—time Bart and I had broken up, I hadn’t felt like this, and since I hadn’t really loved a boy after him, I’d never felt heartbreak like this. I didn’t really know what to do to make it stop hurting, even if just for a few minutes.Why hasn’t anyone come up with a painkiller for this?
It was awful. It was like I wanted to tear myself apart in an attempt to release even just some of the pain inside.How do people deal with this? How do people recover from something like this? Do they? Or are they all just lying liars who lie about having moved on?
Right now, I couldn’t imagine that it was possible to feel better.Maybe I should’ve just asked him what happened. Maybe this hurts so much because I don’t have even a modicum of closure.
I kept playing it over and over in my head, and the more I did, the more convinced I became that he’d been about to tell me that he loved me just before my phone had rung. That look in his eyes? I’d realized that I’d seen it before. Often, actually. It had just been a long time ago, but it was the same look he used to get when he saidI love you.
A look that told me exactly how he felt even before the words actually came out of his mouth. A look that’d always made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. A look I hadn’t been able to find on anyone else since, and maybe it was because he was the only boy in the world I’d ever wanted to see it on.
But that didn’t make sense because he couldn’t have gone from wanting to tell me that he loved me to effectively shutting me out in such a short period of time. A period of time during which absolutely nothing had happened, but something obviously had.
A sudden knock at my door made my heart leap. I wasn’t expecting anyone, and no one but Bart even knew that I was home.
It’s him. He’s back. We’re going to kiss and make up, and then he’s going to tell me what happened. Maybe he’s going to tell me that realizing that he loves me made him freak out a little and that’s why he decided to cut our trip short. Maybe—
My thoughts crashed and burned and my heart dropped back to my feet when I opened the door and found a stranger standing on the other side.It’s not him. He didn’t come back. We’re not going to kiss and make up.
“Ms. Ramirez?” the stranger asked, lifting a clipboard and holding it out in my direction along with a thin, plain white envelope. “Please sign here.”
As I blinked at him, I realized that the stranger was a private courier. He had a uniform on that identified his company, but since I hadn’t ordered anything, I didn’t quite know why he was here. “Are you sure you’ve got the right place?”
He arched a brow and glanced down at the clipboard. “This is the address I was given. Are you Serenity Ramirez?”
“I am.”
“Then I’ve got the right place.” He shrugged, then moved the clipboard closer to me. “Sign here, please.”
“Oh. Right. Sorry.” I slid the pen out of the clasp at the top, scribbled my signature, and accepted the envelope. As soon as I did, the man gave me a tight smile and headed back toward the stairs without another word.
“It was nice meeting you too,” I muttered as I shut my door again and wondered what this was all about.Please, God. Please don’t let it be a legal document due to my nonpayment of something. Please don’t let me be getting evicted or sued.
With my heart suddenly in my throat, I opened the envelope and tried to brace myself for the worst, but it wasn’t notice of a lawsuit. Inside, there was a check and a handwritten note. I frowned as I pulled the check out first. Then my heart dropped and shattered when I saw that it was from Bart. It was for the amount he’d promised me and then some.
It felt like I couldn’t breathe for a moment. The money I was practically holding could literally change my life, and yet, I didn’t want it. It felt dirty.
Choosing to focus on the note instead, I pulled it out with my pulse hammering just below my jaw. I recognized his handwriting immediately. We’d spent so many years doing homework together that I’d never be able to forget what it looked like.
Dear Serenity,
Here’s the money I owe you as well as a bonus for making this adventure so unforgettable. I meant it when I said it wouldn’t have been the same without you, and I can’t thank you enough for that. You were a light in my life during a very dark time, and I hope that you know how much your companionship meant to me when I needed it most.
Yours,
Bart