She sighed softly, her gaze skipping across the water as her shoulders slumped. “Do you regret any of it?”
I considered the question for a moment before I answered her. Regardless of the fact that I’d had my heart broken, I honestly couldn’t say that I’d have changed anything even if I could’ve gone back to do it.
“No, I don’t,” I said finally. “Do you?”
“Nope.”
“Good.” I drained the last sip of my coffee. “Take your time. We haven’t really unpacked much, so it won’t take too long to get our things together. Plus, I still have to call for a car, so there’s really no rush.”
“Okay,” she said, her voice still uncharacteristically soft. “I’ll be in soon. I just want to finish my coffee, then I’ll rinse out the mug and get packing.”
“Again, there’s no rush. Make more coffee if you want. I’ll be inside if you need me.”
“I won’t,” she murmured, but it was so soft this time that I wasn’t sure if she’d meant for me to hear it.
Another shred tore off my heart because Ihadheard it. She wouldn’t need me. Didn’t need me.
I, on the other hand, very fucking much needed her, but that didn’t matter. As I headed back to the bedroom I’d slept in, I rubbed absently at my chest and wondered if it was supposed to hurt this much.
I’d never felt anything like this before. This pulsating, physical pain that felt like it was coming from the very core of my being.Or maybe I just need to see a cardiologist. Who the fuck knows?
Since I hadn’t unpacked anything after grabbing my bags from the master last night, it didn’t take me very long to gather my things from the shower and pack it back into my suitcase. With that done, I was pretty much ready to leave.
Less than an hour later, a horn honked outside and I found Serenity waiting at the front door with her stuff. She’d showered and changed, but she wasn’t wearing any makeup and she was still pale. Her damp hair was piled into a bun on top of her head, and frankly, she looked a little like I felt.
Except that I didn’t feel beautiful, and she always would be. To me, at least. Clearing my heart out of my throat, I took the handle of her biggest suitcase from her. “Are you ready to go?”
She nodded, glancing back at the house almost longingly before she turned and walked up the driveway without looking back again. I followed her out, making sure to lock up behind us before carrying our stuff to the car.
“Do you mind if I have a nap?” she asked once we’d boarded the plane. “I didn’t get much sleep last night, so I’m exhausted.”
“Go for it,” I said as I buckled up and pulled out my phone. “I’m planning on reading for a while and then sleeping for the rest of the flight. I didn’t get much shuteye last night, either.”
Another soft sigh came out of her, but instead of saying anything else, she turned toward the window and watched as Hawaii dropped away below us. As soon as we were airborne, she reclined her seat, put up the privacy shield around her, and didn’t sit back up again before I eventually fell into a fitful sleep.
Once we touched down in New York, we disembarked silently and got into the car waiting for us. We didn’t talk much on the way to her apartment either, and by the time the car stopped in front of her building, the tension between us was so thick that I’d have been able to cut it if I’d had a knife on me.
I climbed out of the car with her, getting her stuff out the back before walking her to the main door. “Goodbye, Serenity. Thanks again for traveling with me. It was fun.”
She nodded, looking like she wanted to say something but obviously deciding against it. Instead, she stepped into me, hesitantly raising her arms and putting them around my neck to give me a hug. I stiffened but allowed one of my arms to hold her for just a second before taking a step back. Any tighter or any longer, and I wasn’t sure I’d have been able to let her go.
“Do you want to come up for a minute?” she asked. “It feels like we should probably talk before we go our separate ways.”
“I’d have loved to, but I can’t.” I made a show of looking down at my watch. “I’m already late for practice and my teammates have been getting nervous for a while now. If I don’t link up with them today, I think one of them might have a cardiac episode.”
“Oh, okay.” She breathed out deeply through her nostrils, her gaze searching mine. “This is goodbye, then?”
“This is goodbye.” I kept my eyes on hers for another long minute before I forced myself to wave, turn around, and walk away. There were so many things left unsaid between us, and I knew it, but I couldn’t talk to her about it right now.
I really did need to get to practice, but my teammates weren’t actually expecting me. As far as they knew, I was still in Hawaii, and even if they had been expecting me, I’d have told them to shove it where the sun didn’t shine if I thought talking to her would’ve done me any good.
It wouldn’t, though. There was nothing either of us could say right now that would make this hurt any less, and if I stayed to talk, I was afraid I might lash out at her. The pain had made me do stupid things last night, and it would probably do it again if she started picking at it.
The wounds were still too raw. I needed some distance and some time to heal, so the best thing I could do for both of us right now was to keep walking. As I opened the car door, I allowed myself to look back just once, but when I saw her still standing where I’d left her, still looking miserable as she watched me leave, I turned back and lowered myself into the car.
It sucked that things were ending this way, but it was what it was. I knew she was hurting too, and I was deeply sorry about that. I wished I could’ve made it better for her, but I couldn’t. She was hurting because her friend had suddenly shut her out. I, on the other hand, felt like I was about to die because of a broken heart.
One day, I’d apologize for hurting her, but again, today wasn’t that day. Today, I just needed to find a way to stay alive. It was as simple—and as complicated—as that.