I reread the note several times, too many questions rolling through my head to ask them all and too many emotions tearing me apart to name them. In the end, though, my gaze settled on the massive amount on the check and I marched back to my bedroom to grab my phone.
Before I could think better of it, I scrolled to his number and called him, not bothering with greeting him when we’d only said goodbye just a few hours ago. “I can’t accept this, Bart. It’s too much.”
“You can and you will. I insist,” he said, not sounding surprised at all by the call. “Did you get the note?”
“I did, but it’s still too much.”
“It’s not. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. It’s not enough, but I really don’t know what would be.” He took a long, deep breath. “You made a trip that otherwise would’ve been depressing as fuck into something truly special. Because of you, I’ll always remember it fondly. I’ll always look back on what could’ve been a terrible time of my life with a smile, and I’ll be smiling because of you. Even when I’m my dad’s age, I’ll think back on this trip as something spectacular, so please take the money. It’s the very least I can do after everything you’ve done for me.”
“I…” I trailed off, the lump in my throat making it impossible to speak for a minute. When I finally managed to get words out around it, my voice came out sounding strained. “Did we get through everything on your list?”
“All but one thing,” he said, sounding wistful. “Obviously, there’s also all the stuff on my new list, but yeah. We got through most of it, so thanks again.”
Still on the verge of turning down the money, I glanced at the pile of bills on my kitchen counter and thought about the dreams I was still chasing. Without him, those bills and dreams were all I had. And I was without him. I would be without him forever now, but there was nothing I could do about it.
If he didn’t love me, he didn’t love me. What I could do something about, however, were those bills and my career. So even though I felt terrible about it and the check still felt heavy and dirty in my hand, I finally nodded.
“Okay, well, thank you,” I gritted out around the ever-growing lump. “Good luck with your tournaments. If you ever want a dive buddy or someone to complete the rest of your list or your new list with, you know where to find me.”
He chuckled, but there was no humor in the sound. “Thank you. I’m going to go now before we keep thanking each other for the rest of time. Good luck to you too, Serenity. I’ll be keeping my ears open for the day I hear that song of yours on the radio. You’re going to be a star soon. I know it.”
“Thank you.”
“There it is again,” he said. “Let’s just stop thanking each other and hang up, okay?”
“Okay. Goodbye, Bart.”
“Bye.”
I held the phone for a long time after he hung up, wondering why that goodbye had felt so much more final than any of the others we’d said. It even felt more final than the one we’d said in person earlier, and even then, I’d thought it would be the last time I’d see him for a long time.
We’d probably end up running into each other again at some point in the future. Probably at Shawn’s wedding, but luckily, my brother was still happily single. He wouldn’t be getting married anytime soon, and I should have a lot of time to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for never seeing the man I loved again.
Because despite everything that had happened, I still loved him and I had a feeling I always would. Bart Philips would always be the love of my life, the man of my dreams, and the boy I would never get over.
Remembering Leah’s advice, I finally slid my phone into my back pocket and went to sit on my couch, picking up my notebook as I got comfortable. Bart was gone, but I could turn this pain into something positive. Being with him had reminded me of who I was, the girl whose glass was always half-full and never half-empty.
I was an eternal optimist, and I wouldn’t lose that part of myself again. I was going to take the way I was feeling and turn it into something positive—into songs that might help other people who were feeling the exact same way as I was right now.
He’d reminded me of an essential part of who I was and he’d helped me not only unearth that part, but dust her off and make her become even better. And that? That was enough. It was more than enough. Right now, that was everything.
CHAPTER45
BART
It had been about a month, and I was finally starting to feel like a fucking human being again, which was great. Getting back into the swing of things had been more difficult than I’d thought it would be, but I’d done it. Eventually.
Frankly, it had been a long-ass fucking month. Heartbreak was terrible, and it just wouldn’t go away. No matter what I did, it was always there, just lurking in the damn background until finally, it didn’t bother lurking anymore. It would just pop out, anytime and anywhere, and whack me over the fucking head right out of the blue.
Slowly but surely, though, I was learning to live with it. The gaping hole in my chest wasn’t gone, but it also wasn’t crippling anymore. More than my new wealth or freedom, the adventures I’d had with Serenity had made me a changed man, and because of that, I still didn’t regret it. Regardless of what I’d been going through since that last day in Hawaii, I didn’t think I’d ever regret. I couldn’t. Not when the experience had opened my eyes to so many things in myself and in the world at large.
Obviously, I still thought about Serenity every day. I’d also followed all of her pages on social media and I’d heard from Shawn that she was doing well. I was truly happy that things were finally happening for her.
It was a bittersweet kind of happiness, but it was happiness nonetheless. Things might not have worked out the way I’d hoped they would, but they were working out for her. Hers was the name on everyone’s lips these days, and that was great. It was what she’d been working for, and although things still felt unfinished between us, I was enjoying watching her turn her dreams into reality from a distance.
A lot of distance. I hadn’t seen or spoken to her since she’d called about the check, and I wasn’t planning on doing it anytime soon. Even following her social media still hurt like a bitch, but I wanted to be the kind of guy who supported her even if he loved her but couldn’t have her.
Leaning back on my chair in my home office, I looked out of my window at the city below and wondered what she was doing right now. It was a habit I fell into from time to time, but I always pulled myself out of it fast, and I did the same thing now.