I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Something unambiguous like that.
It’ll work.
It has to.
Chapter Nineteen
Kat
My new favorite reality TV show was just starting.
I was curled up under a blanket, having finally come down from what was probably my third panic attack of the day, and I was actually starting to feel better, when I heard someone shouting my name from the hallway outside my apartment door. At first, I was alarmed, worried for my safety. I stood up, put a protective hand over my stomach, and listened. The second time I heard the voice, I knew who it was.
Jonah.
No longer scared, just confused, I walked over to the door and opened it. He stepped inside the apartment before I even got a chance to say hello.
“What are you doing here?” I demanded.
“I needed to talk to you.” His words came out slurred and I knew right away he was drunk.
“Then how about you come by at a reasonable hour tomorrow, when you’renotsloppy drunk, and we can talk.”
“No.” He shook his head. “I have to tell you this now.”
I folded my arms and pursed my lips, but he wasn’t even looking at me. He was looking at the floor. He reached out and put a hand on the kitchen counter to balance himself.
“Seriously, how much did you have to drink?”
“Kat,” he said, snapping his head up. He met my gaze and I felt some of that electricity I used to feel for him pass through me. “I didn’t propose to you because you were pregnant. Er, I did. But I would’ve done it anyway. Probably not this soon, but eventually.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I love you,” he said, clear as day. No slurring, no stuttering. Then he repeated it, taking a step closer to me. “I love youso much. And I’ve known for a long time now. I know I freaked you out when I proposed to you, and I understand why you said no, but I need you to know that I wasn’t proposing to you out of some sense of obligation. I really want to marry you.”
I didn’t know what to say. It was all so confusing, so shocking, that all I could do was stand there staring back at him.
“And I think you love me too,” he went on. “I don’t know if you’ve admitted it to yourself yet, but I don’t think that I am the only one having these feelings.”
Fear gripped me and I instinctively took a step back. I didn’t like being told how I was feeling, and even worse, I hated the fact that he was right. Of course, I loved him. I loved him so much, I was going to have his baby even though I had never thought of myself as being a mother. But this was all happening too fast.
“Jonah,” I said. “You’re trying to separate this marriage proposal from the pregnancy; you’re trying to tell me that you would marry me even if I wasn’t pregnant, but—we can’t know that for sure. The fact of the matter is, neither of us were talking about love or marriage untilafterI found out I was pregnant.”
“Just because we weren’t talking about it didn’t mean we weren’t feeling it.”
“Can we just take a beat?” I said. “Let’s take some time to figure out how we really feel. I’m hormonal as hell right now, and my dad isn’t talking to me. You just found out you are going to be a dad for the second time, and that has to be really emotionally complicated for you as well. I don’t want us to make any commitments to each other when we aren’t in our right minds.”
“I am in my right mind!” he said. “I know exactly how I feel and what I want. My love for you is so strong, it feelsso right, that I don’t need time to think. And you shouldn’t either.” He reached for my hands, and I let him. “Kat, I know you want to be with me. So be with me. Please, just marry me. We are meant for each other. We’resoulmates.”
I wanted to give in, I really did, but it didn’t feel rightfor me. Sure, Jonah seemed sure of himself, but he also smelled strongly of booze and emotions were running high.
“Jonah, we have to be smart about this,” I said. “It’s not just us we have to worry about anymore. You have a daughter to consider, and I have to get on better terms with my dad. Plus,” I looked down at my belly. “We want to make sure we are doing everything right by this little boy or girl growing inside of me. This isn’t a flat out no, just please, let me have more time.”
“More time?”
“Yes. More time. This is all I can give you right now, but I think that’s a lot, considering that this whole thing terrifies me so much. Just a week ago, I was adamant about never getting married or being a mom and look how far I’ve come from there. So please, I’m not telling you we can’t be together, I’m just saying I need some time.”