Fuck, she knows just how to get me. I would never make her to go the Pit alone. That place is a magnet for illegal shit and bad luck.
Groaning, I say, "Fine. Fine! I'll fucking go. Don't let Jackson get anywhere near me. I swear I'll throat punch him the moment he says some smartass comment to me. Okay?"
She has no idea how serious I am. Baby or not, Jackson has gotten on my last fucking nerve. One look in my direction and I will castrate his ass.
"Fine. I will guard you from Jackson." She says with a heavy eye roll.
As irritated and snarky my best friend can be, I know she's got my back. She's the truest person in my life. My ride or die. The one person in my life that won't leave me.
Now look, I'm going to leave my own child.
The circle of fucking life.
* * *
"Can we go yet?"I ask Rose.
My feet hurt.
They ache so bad, but not nearly as bad as the aching muscle in my chest. I'm not sure why, because it's not like I have any feelings from the asshole standing twenty feet away from me.
Because I don't have any feelings. For Jackson, that is.
Turns out, when you're pregnant, going to the Pit is no longer fun. It's stressful and painful and having to stay sober while everyone around you gets sloshed makes you feel like an outsider stuck on the fucking inside.
I've been stuck here, on the inside, for over an hour. The fight is over, and people are drinking and celebrating Easton's win,again, and all the bikers from California are having a fantastic time while I'm sitting here wondering if I should tell the father of my child that I'm having his kid.
Then I look over and see some biker trash on his shoulder and I laugh, telepathically telling my child that it’s better off without him.
We all are. And that's why I'm going to give my child up for adoption. Because I can't imagine raising a child with Jackson, nor can I see him ever giving enough emotion to care about a child in the first place. Even if it is his own.
The thought of my child being unloved makes tears spring to my eyes, because I know that feeling deep in my fucking soul this child deserves more than Jackson and I have ever had. I know that I won’t be able to give the baby what it needs, and the niggling in my gut makes me think Jackson won’t be able to, either.
And of course, right when I'm hitting emotion overload is the moment that Rose decides to come back.
"What's wrong? What happened?" She asks.
I shake my head and walk towards the exit. "Nothing, let's go." I don't want to talk about what will never be my child. And I even less want to talk about any of that stuff at the Pit.
Unfortunately, walking towards the exit means walking past Jackson and Slut-bag. Sadness turns to anger and before I have a chance to clamp my mouth shut, verbal diarrhea spews from my lips as I sneer, "Fucking slut." And my eyes grow wide as I try to hurry off towards the door.
And please know, I'm not trying to race to the door because I'm scared of the biker. I'm racing because I don't want Jackson to think, under any circumstance, that I'm even slightly jealous of him. Because I'm not. If anything, I pity the poor bitch who wants to ride his dick.
"Excuse me, what did you just say?" I hear from behind me, and I know this isn't going to be good. Not good at all. I keep walking, hoping that she goes back to sucking face with Jackson and forgets about me. But before I know it, I feel two hands push into my back with all their might.
I'm thrown off guard and stumble over my feet, falling onto my knees and onto the ground. My palms and knees catch most of my fall, but my stomach still jumps at thealmostcontact with the cement floor.
My eyes start to water.Fuck these pregnancy hormones!I can't do this anymore. I can't feel this emotional with the way my life is. At this rate, in eight months I'm going to be a fucking prune from dehydration. And worst of all, everyone saw me fall to the ground like some pussy.
Jackson included.
Rose tries to help me up, and I just shrug her off and try to get up myself. It isn't until I tune into her shouting that I snap out of my emotions.
"…She's pregnant…"
"Rose!" I screech, standing up and glaring at her in outrage.
I look over at Jackson, and he's staring right into my soul. It's not a connection that I can link to, though. Because the way he's looking at me, it's like whatever we've experienced together never happened. It's like he has no idea who I am anymore.