CHAPTER 14
She looks like a ghost,Nathanael thought as he stood against a wall with his arms folded, looking on as Shaundra leaned over Benjamin’s crib, humming a nursery rhyme and patting his tummy.
And that was no surprise. She’d stayed by her son’s side for the past six nights, frequently arguing with Nathanael when he tried to persuade her to have a nap on the little cot they’d rolled into the room and placed near to the crib.
And when she did sleep, she had nightmares, flinching, cringing, grinding her teeth and often crying out, but he could never decipher her words. He knew with a deep sense of guilt that much of her agony came from that terrible argument which had taken place on Benjamin’s first night here, and everything that had led up to it.
My fault,he said. But what else could he have done, given the personal hell he carried around with him every day of his life?
After her tirade, after shoving him away, Shaundra had lapsed into silence, speaking to him only when it was necessary. Leaping to her feet whenever the doctors did their rounds, anxiously awaiting any news they might have for her.
Against the advice of the hospital, Nathanael had hired an external pediatric specialist, who came in, demanded all the records, and gave Benjamin a thorough examination. But after long deliberation, the specialist had told them that she concurred with the hospital’s findings. It was all a waiting game right now. They needed to stick to the aggressive antibiotic treatment and just keep the baby as comfortable as they could.
After a day or two they removed the oxygen tubes, which Nathanael took as a good sign. They’d also advised that one of the best things Shaundra could do for her baby was to continue to breastfeed him. Apart from the natural antibodies he would receive from her milk, the skin-to skin contact and the warm and comforting presence of his mother would be a psychological boost. It was a simple fact that babies thrived under their mother’s tender care.
So, at feeding time, she would unbutton her blouse, undo her nursing bra, and bring her baby to her breast. Since Benjamin wore nothing but a diaper to keep cool, his lighter brown skin was always pressed against her darker skin, and the sight was so beautiful that it made Nathanael want to weep.
He’d never seen her feed Benjamin before they’d come to the hospital. Whenever it was time for the baby to eat, he would absent himself, sure that he’d be unable to bear the sight.
Now they were here, he’d even expected her to throw him out of the room, so angry had she been with him at the start, but she simply shut him out. Closed her eyes and hummed to her child as he placed his tiny hand on her other breast. The two of them formed their own little circle, and Nathanael knew he didn’t belong.
He watched with conflicting emotions. One inner voice telling him that he shouldn’t be there, that he’d promised himself not to be a part of this intimacy. Another filled with admiration and awe, bordering on reverence, at the sight. He struggled with jealousy, a fierce resistance against someone else, a little interloper, coming between him and his wife.She’s mine,said that territorial voice in his head.
And then he loathed himself for being jealous of a baby. Who did that?
He heard a light tapping on the door and immediately checked his watch. He’d become used to the hospital schedule, to the extent where he could predict when morning and evening rounds would occur.
But the morning rounds had already come and gone, so it could only be—
Alex and Jacyn stepped into view, just moments after Shaundra finished her feeding, buttoned her blouse, and hoisted Benjamin over her shoulder to pat his back. She looked up at her friends with a smile. “Hey guys.” The fatigue in her voice was evident.
Alex approached Nathanael with a smile and Alex pulled Nathanael in a sideway hug.
“How are you coping?” Alex asked him softly.
All Nathanael could do was shrug and shake his head. He couldn’t find anything that he could say that would adequately convey a response.
Jacyn held out her arms, and Shaundra gratefully handed the baby over, then arched her back, rolling her neck to take the kinks out. Her taut, strained face broke into a genuine smile.
Jacyn and Alex, as well as Naisha and William, had been rock-solid during the ordeal. Though Naisha’s visits happened less than the others. Because her own son was only a few months older, she couldn’t bear the site of Benjamin in the hospital.
Every morning, after keeping vigil in an uncomfortable chair overnight, Nathanael drove back to the mansion to shower and change, get something to eat and catch a few hours’ sleep before returning to be at his family’s side. He brought a bag packed with a change of clothes, sometimes a book or magazine for Shaundra. She would take a hasty shower in the room’s adjoining bathroom and hurry out to take up her post like a palace guard outside the chamber of an infant king.
And every day, Samia or Jacyn would faithfully come to keep Shaundra company, because over their pleading for her to go home and get some rest, she had asserted that the day she left the hospital was the day she left with her baby in her arms.
Jacyn had been the only person able to convince Shaundra to eat something, however small it was. The hospital had a charming but sensible policy that since babies of that age relied on their mother’s milk, all nursing mothers were included on their meal plan, and an attendant brought Shaundra three hot, nutritious meals every day. Yet, her appetite was low, and she often sent back the tray untouched.
When Nathanael had wondered if it was the blandness of hospital food that made her reluctant to eat, he sent out for food from a nearby restaurant. But her response was the same.
She was going to dwindle away, he worried. And there was little he could do to help.
He returned his attention to Jacyn and Shaundra, who appeared to be arguing.
“I can’t!” Shaundra insisted.
“You can,” Jacyn responded firmly. “I’m here. It will be fine.”
Shaundra looked anxiously at Benjamin, who had already fallen asleep in Jacyn’s arms. “I don’t know.”