Her response was a glare, but she didn’t say no, so he took it as tacit permission to go on.
“I know my behavior was wrong. I know I’ve been a bad husband, and a terrible father. And I’m ashamed. It breaks me to see you suffer like this—both of you. And I want you to know that, from this day forward, I will do whatever I can to be the father you want me to be for him. I’m ready to be the man you married again—”
Her mocking laugh surprised him. Even though he understood—or was trying to understand—what he had put her through, her level of venom was shocking. “Oh, are you, though? Are you going to be the man I want you to be? And how do you think you will manage that?”
“I don’t understand what you—”
“Because the man I married is obviously not the man I thought he was. I thought he was loyal, brave, and fair. When I married him, I thought he was a goddamn superhero. But it turns out he’s nothing but a callous, selfish bastard. The man I married walked away from his pregnant wife with no explanation other than ‘this wasn’t part of the plan’. The man I married left me to endure a difficult pregnancy alone and go through childbirth on my own. To go home to an empty house with a new baby, and fend for myself for months. To look like a fool and be the subject of gossip amongst my friends and family. Isthatthe man you think I want to be with?”
There are few things worse than having your ugliest moments hurled back in your face. Every word that flew from her lips was like a tiny razor slicing at him.
“Forgive me.” That didn’t nearly feel adequate, Nathanael thought. But it was all he could say.
She looked at him as if he was a comedian on stage, telling his best joke only to have it fall flat. “Forgive you? You didn’t accidentally knock over my favorite vase, Nathanael. You didn’t misplace my reading glasses. You abandoned me, and your newborn, because you didn’t have the balls to be a dad!”
Her words resonated, echoed around the room. In his sleep, Benjamin twitched fretfully, but when both his parents glanced anxiously in his direction, he settled down again into his light, uncomfortable sleep.
Shaundra went on, unrelenting, spewing forth anguish that had been bottled up inside her for more than a year. “I’m so happy for you, Nathanael, that you’ve had some kind ofprise de conscience,some miraculous revelation. But I suggest you keep it to yourself, because I’m no longer interested. If you want to be the man I married for your own sake, fine. Have at it. But please let that man know I’m not interested. Tell him he can kiss my entire ass on the way out of my life.”