“We were never friends before.” Hazel bit her lip at the slip-up. The past was supposed to be in the past.
“Before the accident, we were. We always hung out together when we were young. You, me, and Hanna.” Natalie’s voice cracked a little as she said the last name, a name that hadn’t been said between them in the months they had gotten together. Not once. But it hung above them just the same.
“No, you and Hanna were friends. You just put up with me because I was there. You two were the friends, best friends,” Hazel replied, trying not to cry. “Then when we got older, Henry joined in, but I stopped going with. I didn’t really feel welcomed into your group. Not anymore.”
Natalie now had tears running down her cheeks. “You were always welcome. You were the one who didn’t want to do things with us anymore.”
“I wasn’t invited anymore. Hanna said I was boring and brought everyone down because I wasn’t all that fun,” Hazel admitted about her identical twin. She hated talking about the bad things in her character.
“It wasn’t me who didn’t want you along. I missed you. You changed that last year you weren’t around as much,” Natalie admitted.
“I was wasting time on music; that’s what they always said. A waste of time. When they died, I stopped. That’s what it took for me to stop,” Hazel said through her tears. She had never told anyone why she had stopped singing, but now it was out.
“You were really good, Hazel. You shouldn’t have stopped. They wouldn’t have wanted you to stop.”
“I had to. My dreams were nothing compared to theirs. I need their dreams to be fulfilled. That’s what I’m doing.” Why was she telling Natalie her secrets? Natalie didn’t care. She had never cared about Hazel. Hanna had been her friend, after all.
“But those were their dreams, and they had to die with them. You need to be you, Hazel. That’s what has been missing all these years.You.” Natalie tried to grab her hand, but Hazel pulled away, so she couldn’t get it.
“Their dreams are the only thing I have now. They are dead. I should have died that day too.” She ran out of the apartment.
If Natalie followed, she didn’t know. All she knew was that she needed to get out of here. The tears were running down her face as she ran down the stairs from Ruth’s apartment. Pushing the outside door open, she rushed to her car sitting just down the street.
It was just after seven on a Sunday night on Main Street. There were never other people around when book club broke up. Landstad had definitely closed down for the night.
She couldn’t see through her tears as she ran toward her car. Pulling her keys from her pocket, she just had to get into the car. Needed to get as far from Natalie and everyone else as she could, as fast as she could. If she could leave her thoughts behind, she would.
Before she could step off the curb, someone grabbed her around the waist. She wished she had no idea who it was, but her body screamed his name, remembering the feel of his hands on her. His mouth. Ruston.
“Let me go!” She hated yelling at him, but she needed to leave, to get as far from there as possible.
“No way you are driving like this. You’ll get yourself killed and maybe someone else,” Ruston said into her hair as he held on to her, maybe even tightening his grip on her.
“Would that be so bad?” she whispered frantically.
“Yes, Hazel, it would be. Think about John. What would happen to him if his mom died?” Ruston brought out the big guns. Her son was the most important thing to her. Hell, he was the only important thing to her.
Her head went into her hands as she cried in his arms. Her body shook from the tears that she was unable to stop. The guilt that was always present was now pounding into her head. She should be dead, not them. They had so much more going for them than her. Why did they both die at seventeen, while she still lived on? Why was she allowed to live? They had all been born on the same day, so they should have died the same day. It was only fair.
As the guilt rolled over her, she suddenly couldn’t breathe, couldn’t catch her breath. Gasping for air, she knew in her mind she was having a panic attack, but she couldn’t remember anything about how to stop it. She couldn’t remember how to breathe!
Being in Ruston’s arms was calming, but not enough to make her emotions go away. She wanted him to dance with her but couldn’t get the words out. Just sway in his arms until the hurt disappeared. He had to be able to make the hurt stop. He was Ruston.
Trying to catch her breath, she heard her friends around her. Someone shoved a bag over her mouth so that she was breathing in and out of the bag. Ruston still held her tight.
When her mind stopped spinning with thoughts and visions of Henry and Hanna and their ultimate deaths, she could finally make sense of the scene around her. Ruston was still holding her tight, and she was still breathing into a bag that Mandy was holding up for her, since her arms were being held tight to her body. Mia, Tess, and Ruth were standing around, watching the scene. Their faces showed concern for their young friend. Natalie was not around, or maybe she was, and Hazel couldn’t see her. She didn’t know which.
Waving the lower part of her arms, she pulled away from the bag. “I’m okay now.” Mandy lowered the bag, but Ruston kept a hold of her. Which was for the best since she didn’t know if her legs worked anymore.
“What happened?” Mia asked. “What did Natalie say?”
“Nothing, it was me. I don’t know.” The answer didn’t make sense to her either.
“Can you stand, Hazel?” Mandy asked since Ruston was still holding her.
“Yes, I think so.” Ruston lowered her to the ground, and she realized he had lifted her up.
“Are you okay?” Ruston pressed, but about standing or in general, she didn’t know.