For a long time, my question sits there on the screen. There’s no ellipsis to indicate he’s typing a response. I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have brought it up.
Finally, after holding my breath nearly long enough to pass out, a new message pops up.
Q: I would call you right now to talk about it, but I don’t want to risk anybody passing by and hearing. I want you to know that.
Me: I understand.
And I do. We can’t take any chances.
Q: Had I known, had you come to me and told me you were pregnant, I guess it would’ve come as a shock.
Me: An unhappy shock. You know I didn’t get pregnant on purpose.
Q: Aspen, when I say it would have been a shock, that’s all I mean. I would have been shocked at first, as I’m sure you would be. And it might have taken a little time to wrap my head around it.
Tell me about it.
Me: That’s true.
Q: But I would’ve loved our baby. I need you to know that, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I didn’t want to heap one more heartache on top of another. I didn’t know if I could even mention it to you yet.
I’m so relieved I could almost cry.
Me: I didn’t want to mention it to you either. I was so afraid you were glad.
Q: Glad? That our baby died? You have it all wrong. I would have done everything in the world to be a good father and to support you both. I would have protected that child to my dying breath, just as I will for you. You never have to question that.
I have to put the phone down for a moment in favor of covering my face with my hands and crying out all the tears I’ve held back so far. We could’ve been happy. We could’ve been a family, the three of us. There’s no doubt that Quinton means every word he says. He isn’t handing me platitudes now that there’s no way to prove he doesn’t mean them. He does mean them.
How much more do I need to lose before fate decides to give me a win? I remind myself not to ask that question because I might find out. And the only thing I have left besides Brittney is Quinton. I couldn’t stand to lose either of them, but especially him.
He texts after a few minutes.
Q: You okay?
Me: Yes. It’s a lot, is all.
Q: I know. And we’ve already been through enough.
A soft whimper escapes me, and I’m glad he can’t hear.
Me: I saw Dr. Lauren today. She ran a few tests to confirm there was no permanent damage. She said I should have no problem having kids later in life.
Q: That’s great. I’m glad you have that peace of mind.
Me: I wish I could be with you.
Q: I know. More than ever. Imagine me holding you right now. That’s all I want to do. I’m with you right now, and you’re in my arms with your head against my chest, and there’s nothing in the world that can touch us.
I close my eyes and focus on his words. It’s almost enough to make it feel real.
Almost.
24
QUINTON
I never thought I would develop a fondness for the sunroom, but it’s quickly becoming my favorite place now that Aspen and I have made a routine of meeting up there a few times a week. If it were up to me, we would see each other every day, but neither of us is naïve. Tempting fate is one thing, but giving it the middle finger is another.
I have more to worry about than her alone. That’s something I remind myself of on a daily basis, and the point drives itself home with every phone call from Scarlet.
Lately, she’s been more interested in Aspen than in me. My jaw dropped when she whispered she knew about her father’s murder. When I demanded she tell me how she found out, she was her usual blithe self. “Word gets around. I’m not supposed to know, but I heard about it.”
Obviously, she hasn’t put two and two together and guessed our father had something to do with it. I’m still not sure, but it seems most everyone else is. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve caught someone staring at me with an inquisitive expression as if they wonder how my family pulled it off. It’s for the best. These assholes have no idea how close I’ve come to beating the shit out of them.
She might pick up little bits of information here and there, but by and large, my sister is innocent. So is my mom. Remembering that and what might happen to them if I let things get out of hand here is sometimes all that keeps me grounded.