Easier, but not easy.
I turn my attention back to my book though my concentration is shot. Not that I’m upset with him over it. I feel lighter and happier than I have in days, all thanks to setting eyes on him.
It shouldn’t surprise me when my phone buzzes with a text, but the sudden sound startles me.
Q: Are you okay? How are you doing?
I glance up at him, but he’s not looking my way.
Me: Is it safe texting me?
His response is immediate.
Q: These phones are secure. I wouldn’t have given it to you if I thought anyone could hack it.
That’s a relief. I’ve been too afraid even to do that after learning of why he pushed me away, worrying somebody might catch on. Now I know he’s not completely out of reach.
Me: I’ve been okay. Trying to catch up on the work I missed. But getting by.
Q: I knew you would because that’s who you are.
That’s what I needed to hear. How does he always know exactly what I need most? Just like he always knew how to cut me with a well-chosen word. Then and now, we are connected by something invisible but strong. Unbreakable.
Q: Do you need anything?
Me: No, I’m fine. I have everything I need. Well, except one thing.
I glance up in time to see him grin while his thumbs fly over the screen.
Q: Is that why you chose that particular tree to sit under?
I should have known he would mention that. I might even be worried about him if he didn’t.
Me: I love this tree. It’s my favorite tree.
I look up from my phone to find him looking at me before we both avert our eyes. Even though we’re alone here, it feels crucial to pretend we’re not paying attention to each other.
Me: Should you even be here right now? It’s dangerous.
Q: I wanted to make sure you’re safe.
Me: You could have sent me a message and asked.
His response doesn’t surprise me.
Q: There are certain things I need to see for myself.
I can’t be annoyed. It’s endearing.
Me: Still, it’s dangerous. You probably shouldn’t stay for long, just in case.
He’s not as quick with his reply this time.
Q: I know. At least now I can picture you sitting under that tree. I need something to get me through my loneliness, if you know what I mean.
He adds a wink emoji to the end of it, and I can’t help but giggle, even if I manage to keep it quiet.
A minute later, he’s gone, leaving me alone again. But I’m never really alone. I always have him with me.
It isn’t until the sun’s down and the sky goes dark that I pry myself off the ground. My butt and my back are tight after being in the same position for so long. A quick stretch loosens me up before I sling my backpack over one shoulder and walk to my room. The halls are mostly quiet, with everyone in their rooms before dinner, yet I make it a point to keep my head down and walk fast. Certain habits can’t be undone overnight.
Sometime during my short walk, I get a new text message.
Q: Did you get back to your room all right?
I smile, leaving my bag near the door and flopping back on the bed. He’s always thinking about me. My dark guardian angel.
Me: Safe and sound. What are you doing?
Q: You mean besides checking on you? Let’s see. Thinking about you. Fantasizing about you. Missing you. It’s been a full day.
Nobody would guess how funny he is when he’s not busy being a big, scary guy.
Me: Sorry to take up so much of your schedule.
Q: There’s only one other way I’d rather have it, and that would mean you being here with me or vice versa.
Even though my heart aches at our having to be apart, knowing he’s in this with me makes all the difference. It doesn’t heal the wound, but it eases the pain. God knows I’ve had enough of that.
Now that we’re not face-to-face, there’s something I’m tempted to ask him. I haven’t had the nerve to bring it up in person. I don’t want to watch his reaction for fear that it might hurt to see. We’ve never really talked about the baby. I don’t even know if he would have wanted me to keep it had we found out while I was pregnant.
I don’t think I could take it if he was dismissive or brushed it off. Not if we were in front of each other. Now, though, I have the courage.
Me: Can I ask you something?
Before he sends a response, I type out my question before I lose my nerve.
Me: If that night never happened, and I was still pregnant, what would you have done if I came to you and told you I was going to have a baby? What do you think your reaction would have been?