Though there’s no denying the warmth that floods me when I step into the sunroom to find Aspen sitting under our tree. We’ve never carved our initials into it or anything corny like that, but it’s still ours. The fact that it means something to her means the world to me. After a quick once-over to make sure she is doing well, I head over to my customary spot clear on the other end of the room. There are a few people here, lying on their backs to soak in the rays, but otherwise, we’re alone as always. Now that I’ve made it a habit to stop in every day or two, it seems less out of the ordinary. No one will think twice about me being in the same place as her.
That’s what I need to tell myself.
There’s a message from her waiting for me by the time I sit down.
A: Took you long enough to get here. I was getting worried.
Me: Remember, we can’t make this look too scheduled.
A: I know. I was worried, is all.
I do my best to hide a grin even though my back is to most of the room.
Me: You never have to worry about me. How are you today? We fall into our usual back and forth, comparing notes. She tells me about the self-defense lessons she’s getting from Lucas, which is an excellent idea I wish I had thought of. How was I supposed to know he would develop a liking for her? He wouldn’t have volunteered to be her tutor if he didn’t care. Knowing she has him on her side has gone a long way toward blunting the knife-edge of my concerns.
Me: You’ll have to try those moves out on me sometime. Show me what you’re working with.
A: I owe you one, don’t I? If I recall, you choked me out once.
Me: You’re never going to let that go, are you?
I ask though I know she shouldn’t. I’m not proud of myself for a lot of things.
A: Not a chance.
She assures me, adding a winking face at the end so I know she’s joking, or at least only half-serious.
Though this isn’t close to the ideal arrangement, it has a certain charm. I can understand now why men and women back in the day used to correspond through letters and get to know each other that way. It’s almost easier to share myself like this, to say things I couldn’t find the words for if we were face-to-face.
Not that our discussions are usually very deep or heavy. Normally, we talk about our families, the sort of getting to know you stuff most people cover early in their relationship. Our relationship didn’t exactly start in the usual way. We didn’t do too much sharing.
Another thing she’s taught me: the importance of turning toward happy memories rather than away from them. In the months following Adela’s death, the mere thought of her was unbearable. Walking through rooms where we used to play together as kids. Seeing her empty chair during the rare times the family managed to get together for a meal. Passing her bedroom. It was like a burning coal in my heart. The pain was excruciating.
Now, I can smile. It isn’t easy talking about her for long stretches, but I find myself wanting to do it more and more. I want Aspen to know who she was, especially since the two of them had a connection I knew nothing about. They would have gotten along so well if things were different.
She avoids talking about her father, and I don’t know if that’s because of what he did or because the wound is still raw. Instead, she tells me about the good times before everything went to hell. She was popular and got perfect grades. Neither of those two facts surprises me in the least. I’ve seen how smart she is, and as for popularity, I have no doubt if it weren’t for her father’s traitorous actions, she would be the most popular girl here. She’s beautiful, funny, whip-smart. She would have instructors wrapped around her little finger and be surrounded by admirers.
Male admirers, especially. That wouldn’t last long once I set my sights on her, of course. No one competes with me once I set my mind on what I want.
I used to hate her father for what he did to my family. The way he did everything he could to avoid being sentenced, thinking he could get one over on my father. As if we didn’t have enough going on surrounding Adela, though, of course, he didn’t know about that. Nobody did.
Now I hate him more for what he did to Aspen. She had her whole future mapped out in her mind. She was going to college, then med school to become a doctor. I have no doubt her compassionate nature would make her an excellent healer. He robbed her of that. He robbed her of so many things.