How wrong I was. Now, when I look back at that naïve nineteen-year-old getting hitched, I want to slap her in the face and tell her to run away. That if it seems too good to be true, that’s because it is.
“Anyway, I think the pilgrimage is over, don’t you?” Clara asks. “Unless you want to go inside?”
“No, definitely not.” I shake my head determinedly. “Let’s go and have a coffee and cake instead.”
As Clara links her arm through mine and we walk away, I felt overwhelmed by the feeling that I shouldn’t have been back. It always stirs everything up and leaves me into a mess. Reminds me how lonely it was out there, all by myself. Wishing I could just have a family to love me. I made a family in there, but it isn’t the same as the real thing. But I know, me and Clara will still come back every year because it’s been a tradition for the last five years, ever since we hit eighteen and escaped. It’s just a little reminder that whatever is going on in our lives, this is where we came from. It might freak me out and make me feel all raw, but I do need it and Clara does too. I guess we will always keep on coming. It’s an experience that we will always share, that no one else will ever be able to understand. At least we will always have each other.
“So, how are you and Kem?” I ask Clara with a grin. “Is he still a dream come true?”
Clara and Kem are a real love story, nothing like me and Jeremy. They met only eighteen months ago on a random night out and got married only four months later. Other people criticized them and said that it was too quick, but I know Clara. I know for a fact that she wouldn’t do anything she wasn’t sure about.
Kem works as a security officer for one of the casinos. He doesn’t have loads of money, not so much to offer materialistically but makes up for everything in love. She finally has her real family around her.
“Oh, he’s so sweet. He made me breakfast in bed this morning to give me some rest because he knew that we were coming here today. Kem didn’t want me to have anything else to stress about.”
I smile thinly, thinking about my morning, which was more stressful than anything else in the world. Something went wrong in Jeremy’s business, I don’t even know what, but it doesn’t matter to me. I get the shit anyway. I have it in the neck even though it’s nothing to do with me.
Jeremy won’t remember my pilgrimage because the truth is he doesn’t really care.
“Oh, that’s so nice, Clara. It’s nice that he cares so much about you.”
“He really does, you know.” She smiles to herself. “And he likes to listen as well. I spent all last night telling him stories of when we were in there. The good and the bad stuff, and he really listened to it all.”
I gulp down the thick ball of emotion that lodges in my throat. “Yeah… I told Jeremy once too.”
He wasn’t interested, even in the early stages of our relationship when he was trying to woo me, but back then I just assumed that’s because I’m boring and he’s fascinating. I came out of the orphanarium at eighteen, got a job in an office as a secretary, and have just tried to survive ever since. Jeremy graduated high school at sixteen years old and spent time traveling the world and building up his business. He’s seen so many things, been to so many places, experiencing the world. Of course, I’m boring to him.
“How are things… with Jeremy?” Clara asks cautiously. “Have things improved?”
“Yeah, things are much better now. It’s really on the up…”
Clara cocks her head to me, knowing that I’m lying. I can fool anyone in the world, and often I must, but with her, I can’t. She can see right through me. “You can tell me the truth you know?”
We head into the café and take our seats before I say anything else. I need coffee and cake before I can get the truth out because, if I’m honest, things are getting worse every single day.
“Right, come on, you have your food now, spill the beans.”
I sigh loudly and nod. “Okay, I’ll tell you the truth. Things aren’t good.”
“No, I know, I can tell.” Clara shakes her head sadly. “You don’t look happy.”
That stuns me, I feel like I’m wearing my mask quite well, but clearly not. I guess with Clara, there is no mask.
&
nbsp; “Oh, right well… yeah, it isn’t good. Jeremy has been cheating on me again, I don’t know with whom this time. Probably the new woman working in his office. Someone who wears Chanel Number Fiver perfume anyway.”
“Urgh, he’s an asshole.” Clara shakes her head angrily. “You need to get away from him. Not only does he cheat on you, his temper is horrible. The way he treats you is disgusting. I want you to get rid of him.”
“I wish I could.” Actually, that’s the first time that I’ve ever said that aloud. “I really wish I could. I don’t want to be stuck in this marriage forever. But how can I get away from him? Jeremy has already told me that he has absolutely no intention of ever letting me go. You know he has the money and power to back that up.”
“He can’t force you to stay married to him forever, that’s just crazy.”
“I don’t know. I think he can. He’s one of those people who always gets what he wants.”
Clara grabs my hands and stares into my eyes. “There is always a way out of these things.”
“You look like you have something in mind, Clara. You’re freaking me out.”