Once, Jude told me the reason Richard was such a great manager was because he stayed calm under pressure, and no matter what happened he always put other people first. In that second I saw for myself how right he was. Richard’s shoulders sagged, his eyes lacked their usual fire. He wanted to go home and cry for his lost colleague, I knew it. Instead he had to do something way tougher.
“Jude, why don’t you go with Richard?”
The words didn’t come because I wanted to be away from Jude this time. They came from a place that felt more like me. Well, me before my meltdown over work and Jesse and everything else. Richard needed someone to talk to, Jude needed to feel useful, and I had to get my crap together and be a good friend to Freya.
Jude looked down at me and as our eyes connected the first flicker of normality flared between us. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “I’m sure. I’ll be okay here, we’re all together. Richard shouldn’t be the only person alone today.”
Richard gave me a grateful smile and Radleigh rested his hand on my shoulder. “We’ll be here for Bree. She’s right. You should go with Richard.”
Jude hesitated only for a second before leaning in and planting a kiss on my cheek; a kiss I actually felt and didn’t want to rub away. “Okay. I’ll call you later when we’re headed back.”
As Jude and Richard left, Leah, Radleigh and I took in a collective breath before entering Freya’s apartment.
Flowers. As early as it was, someone had already brought Freya flowers. The scent triggered another memory. After my dad died, everyone sent flowers. Flowers of all varieties and smells. Flowers don’t last forever. When they start to wilt and die, and the water gets gross, the stench is disgusting. Kinda fitting, I guess, that dying flowers remind me of death. They’re a visual representation of the person being mourned. Beautiful while alive; gone too soon, leaving behind the memory of what used to be.
I scrunched up my nose, trying to block the memory out, and Leah reached for my hand again as we headed towards the sound of voices in the living room.
Freya sat on the edge of the sofa, slightly hunched over, staring straight ahead at the glass doors. Her mom sat beside her, and her sister and a guy I didn’t recognise spoke softly together in the corner. Miguel watched Freya with concern from his spot on the floor in front of the television, and Bryce – whose car I hadn’t seen outside – leaned against the wall by the doors also keeping a close watch on Freya.
Freya’s mom rose from her seat as she spotted us. She had dark circles under her eyes and I realised she’d probably been there since the middle of the night, trying as best as she could to be there for her youngest daughter.
“Thanks for coming,” she said, attempting a smile. “Can I get you a drink?”
Radleigh shook his head. “Sit down. I’ll make the drinks.”
Mrs Phillips patted his arm and before he had a chance to head to the kitchen, Freya turned her head. When she saw us a single tear trickled from the corner of her eye.
“Please,” she said, her voice croaky. “Can you all please leave? I only want Leah and Bree right now.”
Glances were exchanged between everyone in the room before they slowly moved from the positions they’d been in for maybe hours and filtered out to the hallway. Mrs Phillips kissed the top of Freya’s head before leaving us alone.
As soon as the door closed, Freya lowered her head and let out a gut-wrenching sob that shattered my calmness into a million pieces. Please don’t let her be like Mom. Please don’t let the light leave her eyes. Freya bowed her head, trembling, and Leah and I rushed to her side, enveloping her in our arms.
Holding her tightly like we were trying to hold her together, I let my own tears fall onto her hair. On Freya’s opposite side Leah did the same, the three of us a huge mess of grief. My stomach and heart ached in a way I hoped never to experience again. However much I hurt wasn’t even a fraction of how much Freya hurt. Tiny bits of my best friend fell away with every tear she cried and no matter how hard we hugged her and how many kind words we spoke, it’d all bounce right off her.
“Freya, I’m so sorry,” Leah choked out. “I wish I had something better to say, but that’s what it comes back to. I’m sorry.”
“People keep saying that.” Freya’s voice was hoarse and weak. “I don’t even understand what’s happening. Yesterday I had everything. Now… I have nothing.”
Leah opened her mouth to refute what she’d said. I caught her eye and gave a single shake of my head. Not because I didn’t want Freya to be reminded of the things she still had going for her. But because I understood those things didn’t matter at that moment. She already knew her friends would do everything to help her. More than anything she needed people to be around her. To wait, to listen. To sit beside her and hold her. In the coming days and weeks she’d hear every cliché thing people always say when someone dies. ‘At least he didn’t suffer,’ ‘He’s gone to a better place’, ‘Cheer up, he wouldn’t want to see you so upset.’ There’s nothing wrong with those words; the sentiments behind them are always full of good intentions. When you’re the one hearing them, though, you just have to smile and nod, understanding they don’t mean to say the wrong thing, but really? Even if he didn’t suffer he’s still dead, and how could there be a better place for him than with the woman he loved?
“What do you need?” I asked, gently. “Right now, what is the best thing we could do for you?”
“Sit with me. Stay here and keep everyone else out for a while. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand the looks of sympathy.” Freya wiped at her eyes then snuggled herself between Leah and I again. “I appreciate everyone being here, but those looks. It’s like hearing the news being broken over and over. I just want to be with you and be free to say what I want, or to say nothing, or to scream and shout and…”
Her words trailed off as she squeezed her eyes closed and let her head fall onto Leah’s shoulder.
“Okay,” I said, holding her hand. “Then that’s what we’ll do.”
Chapter 10 – I Just Want To Feel Something Real
We stayed with Freya for a couple of hours, none of us moving and barely speaking until her mom couldn’t stand it anymore and gently knocked on the door to find out if she could come back in yet. Freya needed to sleep and even though she wouldn’t, she went to her room to pretend to nap.
Leah, Radleigh and I left shortly after. None of us had had breakfast before we rushed to Freya’s place, so Radleigh treated us to brunch at one of the cafes on the beach. Strange to see surfers and early morning swimmers chatting and laughing, when all we wanted to do was s
it in our own miserable silence. Weird how the world carried on, unaware of what we’d lost. I envied them. Envied their lack of pain. They obviously hadn’t lost anyone or anything through the storm, they were just happy the surf conditions were good.