“I heard something about it, but I didn’t delve into details. You know I avoid those Christmas romances she’s always starring in.” His face twists up in disgust. “Not my speed.”
I throw my head back and laugh. It feels good. It feels…normal. It’s just what I need in order to launch myself into this conversation which I’m sure is about to turn awkward at any moment.
I explain to him what went down in Vegas, and the subsequent interview along with the Adore Network cutting her loose. His eyebrows hit his hairline and I’m not surprised. Corbin has always been big on women being whoever they want to be. He’s never once made me feel like a slut because I enjoy casual relationships.
The realization settles something inside of me. He’s never judged me for my choices. I’m going to need his nonjudgmental ways to hold.
“She basically single-handedly started this campaign of women claiming their coal. It’s a trending hashtag and everything,” I explain. I wiggle my eyebrows at him. “She’s saying it’s okay for us to own our own bodies, our own choices, our own desires. That it’s okay for women to be who we are, no matter what it means.”
His words are measured as if he’s trying to figure something out, “And you want to claim your coal?” I nod, my mouth suddenly feeling dry with the way he’s looking at me. His voice is soft, “What’s your coal, Justice?”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. He has no idea he’s opened the door for me. Now, all I need to do is walk through.
“A baby,” I breathe out.
Corbin’s eyes go wide and there’s an edge of panic in his expression. I expect him to sputter or shout or something. He just opens and closes his mouth in rapid succession, and I’m reminded of the few times we’ve gone fishing. I almost laugh, but my own nervousness won’t let me.
His jaw snaps shut and when I don’t laugh or react to him, he looks at me. Really looks at me. I swear he’s staring into the deepest parts of my soul as he does. Has he ever looked at me so deeply before?
I’m really not sure.
His voice is a little strained and unsure, “You want to have a baby?”
“Yes.” I nod firmly. I look away from him, something dreamy bubbling up inside of myself when I think about it. “I can’t explain it, I wish I could put it into words and have it make sense. I’ve never talked about kids, but I’ve always wanted them.”
There’s confusion in his tone, but no judgement, “You want to get married and start a family?”
My eyes snap back to his and I shake my head, my voice firm, “No, not exactly.”
“I don’t understand.” I would laugh at the befuddled look on his face if this weren’t so important to me and the hardest part wasn’t still ahead of me.
“I don’t need the husband part to have a baby. You know I don’t have the best track record with relationships.” It’s an understatement, mostly because I’ve never really tried that hard.
Every time I’ve tried to really date before it usually ended up with the guy being an asshole in one way or another. I’m sure there’s something to analyze there about my choice in men. Either they treated me like I was disposable, or they got all in their feelings about my best friend being a guy.
Corbin was always more important than them and they didn’t like it. I don’t need that kind of guy in my life, and it made breaking things off easy. I didn’t need a relationship to have a good time; it was a lesson I learned quickly.
“You do need a guy, at least in part,” his eyebrows are pulled so tight on his brow. It’s adorable.
“That’s true,” I admit softly. “I do need a male’s involvement in a limited way, but I don’t need a man to help me raise a child. I have plenty of support. I’m at a good place in my life financially. I’ve saved and the bakery is doing well. When I look deep in my heart, it’s the one thing I want in this life, and I don’t want to wait.”
“You’re going to go and like look through catalogs of men and pick the one you want and use his sperm?” Again, there’s no judgement in Corbin’s voice, only curiosity.
I could kiss him, that’s how much relief it gives me. I didn’t really expect anything less, but, then again, I haven’t sprung everything on him.
Before I can say anything, his hand covers my knee, and his brown eyes are boring into mine. “You know I’ll always stand by you, Justice. If this is what you really want, I know you haven’t decided on the fly. I know you’ve thought about it and probably agonized over it.”
I chuckle and nod. The knot in my gut, the one created by anxiety, loosens slightly.
It’s better to just rip the bandage off, right?
“I don’t want to go to some sperm bank and pick a guy to be the donor for my child. What if they aren’t telling the truth?”
He gets a thoughtful look on his face and nods slowly. “I suppose it’s a concern. I would think they would vet everyone thoroughly to try and prevent any issues.”
“I’m sure they do, but it still makes me feel unsettled.” I place my hand over his as it continues to rest on my knee, and I give it a squeeze. “Corbin,” I keep my voice soft as if I’m talking to an animal I know is going to bolt, “this might sound crazy. I know it feels a little crazy to be asking, but will you, please, be the sperm donor for my baby?”
Corbin sucks in a sharp breath and his jaw fucking drops while his eyes widen to the point that I’m almost a little concerned. He also freezes and those statues in the park covered in bronze paint have nothing on my best friend right now.