“There’s ten million women, Gedeon.”
He smoothed back her hair. “There aren’t, Meiling. I used those women to keep my cat from killing anyone. I used them to keep from going insane. I felt as long as they were satisfied, it was okay. I knew the day would come when I would have to suicide because I wouldn’t be able to stomach what I was doing.”
“But you didn’t have sex with me,” Meiling pointed out. “You didn’t want to have sex with me.”
Gedeon stared at her in shock. “Meiling. You’re the only woman in the entire universe I protected. How could you think I wouldn’t want to have sex with you? I had to use every ounce of discipline I possessed to keep my hands off you, but I wasn’t going to fuck up our relationship when you made it clear that was a line you didn’t want crossed.”
“Because sex doesn’t mean anything to you.”
That was his Meiling, the woman he knew. She wasn’t going to pull her punches. Did sex mean something to him? He had to think about that. She was right. It never had. He used sex to drain off energy. It wasn’t used to express his feelings for another human being. Sex could be many things, but the kind of sex Meiling was alluding to he’d never even considered—until recently. And only in the back of his mind. In fantasies.
He couldn’t lie to her. They were starting a life together. The communication between them had always been honest. Because this topic was uncomfortable didn’t mean he should avoid talking about it or lie to her.
“I was never with a woman who meant anything to me before. I never had sex without Slayer threatening to kill the woman. There was never any feeling between us, just raw sex to assuage a burn. It was empty and mindless and rarely good.”
Meiling buried her face against his chest again. “Why do you think you would ever be able to stop that behavior and be with only one woman, Gedeon? The cases you went after were much different from mine. Most of mine were wives coming to me asking me to prove whether or not their husbands were cheating on them. These women went into their marriages happy and so certain that they were loved. They didn’t want to believe that their husbands would lie and cheat. Look them right in the eye and scold them for even thinking such a thing. All of them were different ages and had been married for various years. Some were wealthy, others weren’t. If the woman was suspicious, no matter how much she didn’t want it to be true, it was. I even tried to talk them out of hiring me.”
“Where are you going with this?”
“Playboys remain playboys. They don’t suddenly become devoted to one woman. They have a need for countless women to stroke their ego.”
He believed what she said to be true. He had investigated his share of cheating men and women. No matter all the psychological bullshit reasons given, it came down to the cheater wanting someone to make them feel good about themselves. Home had hit a rough patch, and rather than fix it, they went with something shiny and new. If they wanted to get out, they should have simply manned up and said so. That was his belief.
“I agree with you, Meiling, but I don’t believe I fall into the category of a playboy. I didn’t have affairs. I didn’t have relationships. I had sex because it was necessary for the health of my leopard. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have gone near those women. You can choose not to believe me, but I’ve never lied to you.”
“You didn’t have sex with me the other night. You used your mouth and my toy but refused to have sex with me.”
He heard the hurt in her voice even though she tried to cover it. Gedeon wasn’t going to let that stand. He caught her chin and tilted her face back up toward him, forcing her dark eyes to meet his.
“You were drunk. Your female had risen enough to put you in a heated state that left you desperate for sex. If I took advantage of that, I had no idea if you’d hate me forever. As it was, in trying to satisfy you, I felt you’d be angry with me, but I didn’t know any other way to calm your body down enough to let you get to sleep. I did my best to protect you, even from me. Believe me, Slayer rode me hard. I was desperate for you myself. It was a long night needing you, but in the end, we both went to sleep thanks to the fact that I couldn’t quite control the situation.”