Gedeon tried to be careful of his word choices. He didn’t want to sound hurt or in any way put pressure on her. Trying to cope with her female’s first rising was tough enough without Gedeon adding to the confusion and strain Meiling was experiencing. Still, he had to find a way to shut down the intense emotion so they could at least begin communication.
She gave a little shake of her head and his heart dropped. What did that mean? She didn’t want her leopard to be with Slayer? That had never been a desire for her? An option? They were so close in every other way—at least until he blew it by having a woman in his room.
He remained silent, turning that small shake of her head over and over in his mind. Looking back over their relationship for signs he might have missed to indicate they weren’t as close as he thought. There was a time when they had been. He hadn’t gone to the club for weeks when he’d first returned blinded. It had taken weeks to heal his vision. It was at that time he had learned what happiness was. True caring. He hadn’t realized he still had the capacity to love someone until he was with Meiling. His last thought before he went to sleep was Meiling. His first thought in the morning was for her. Slayer was at peace. She had turned their lives around.
During that time, Meiling seemed as happy as he had been. There was a genuine brightness to her. Her laughter was very real. She initiated the contact with him long before he did with her, just small touches on his arm or shoulder. He had begun doing the same. In the evenings, when he coaxed her to stay with him in his bed, she would lie outside the covers, and he would lie with his head in her lap. Her fingers drifted through his hair, massaging his scalp, feeling like caresses and caring when he’d never had that from anyone.
Okay. That had changed subtly—or not so subtly—when he began to frequent the club again. He’d held out as long as he could. After spending time with Meiling, he didn’t want to be around other women. He’d never much liked it in the first place, but the relentless sexual drive had made it impossible to stop. He used the gym to work out as much of the fierce energy as possible, but eventually that hadn’t worked.
Meiling knew. He didn’t try to hide it from her. He was honest. That was a huge part of their relationship. He knew it hurt her. She withdrew a part of herself from him and that hurt him. He knew that was fair—the price he had to pay to keep from going insane. To keep those around him safe. To stay alive. He still had Meiling, even though he’d lost a part of their relationship.
But things went downhill after San Antonio. Meiling became moody when she never had been. Slayer became even more vicious and seemed to crave sex every hour of the day. It was a brutal cycle. Nothing satisfied the leopard. Gedeon got no sleep unless he could persuade Meiling to come to him in the middle of the night, and those nights were few and far between.
“It was your leopard,” he said aloud with sudden insight. “In San Antonio, they knew it then. I could only see you, but the shifters could see her.”
How had he not known then? He’d even asked Slayer at one point, but Slayer had simply said he couldn’t detect her leopard. Her leopard had been asleep at that moment, so Slayer hadn’t known she was there. But the shifters had known Meiling was close to the emergence. Gedeon didn’t follow such things. He hadn’t been in the rain forests looking for a mate. He didn’t study shifter ways. He didn’t expect to find a mate. If he came across an unmated female, which was rare, he always consulted Slayer, who instantly turned away from the leopard.
Meiling lifted her head and looked up at him with her dark eyes. “What did you say?”
“In San Antonio. The shifters could see your leopard in you, but I couldn’t. I could only see you. That’s been the trouble all along. I knew something was wrong when we came back. You were different. You, but not like you. Upset. Moody. I couldn’t get close to you. Slayer was wild and I couldn’t get him under control. He was affected by your female, but I was too wrapped up in you to even think that he might be needing sex because he felt your female’s needs.”
“What do you mean, you only saw me?” she asked again, her gaze fixed on his.
“Lotus.” He said his name for her softly. “You know I can’t see anyone else. I never have and I never will. There’s you. There’s only you.”