“And, yeah, that sounds counterproductive,” Bele said. “But there’s science behind it that I never cared to learn. Sleeping. Like not that sleep-of-the-dead thing you were just doing, but normal, good old eight hours of sleep.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever slept eight hours multiple nights,” I said. “The chocolate I can deal with, though.”
“Blood also helps.” Bele lifted an eyebrow as I glanced at her. “Blood of the gods, that is. Or a Primal’s.” She winked at me. “You’d drink it just like you’re chugging that juice,” she said, and I glanced down at my cup. “It can be a little weird that way if you don’t keep it warm. Gets kind of thick and congealed.”
“Fates,” Rhain muttered, running his hand down his face.
My stomach churned as I leaned into the headboard. I should’ve paid way more attention to Nyktos when he warned me about the Culling instead of getting annoyed with his comments about making sure I was eating and resting enough. I lowered the cup, glancing past Bele to the chamber doors. “Has anyone else been here while I rested?”
“Not that I know of,” Bele said.
I glanced at Rhain. He was staring at the pitcher. Did neither of them know about Veses’ visit? Rhain must have been close by to find me by the pool with Nyktos, but that didn’tmean he knew she’d been here. As far as I knew, gods couldn’t sense a Primal’s arrival like another Primal could.
“Where is he?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
“At the Pillars, dealing with some nervous souls.” Bele stretched out her long legs, dropping her crossed ankles in Rhain’s lap. “He’s probably going to be super disappointed to learn that you decided to finally wake up when he wasn’t here.”
I doubted that.
“You know, he’s been here nearly the whole time you’ve slept,” Bele said as Rhain knocked her booted feet from his lap. “Sleeping beside you. Not straying farther than his office unless he had to. Clucking over you like a mother hen of death.”
My fingers pressed into the cup as that sliced straight through my chest. “He was worried about the embers. If I die, they go with me.”
“Yeah, I don’t think that was it.” Bele plopped her feet back in Rhain’s lap. “He was worried, wasn’t he, Rhain?”
“Yeah,” Rhain grumbled, not bothering to remove her feet this time. “I honestly thought he was going to kill Ector at least five times in the last three days.”
Bele grinned at that.
And I…I didn’t know what to do about any of it as Rhain and Bele started to argue over whether Ector had deserved the many threats of death he’d received. I understood enough about emotions in general to know that one could care for another and still do things that could…hurt them—intentionally or not. I’d seen that enough in the mortal realm, and I doubted Primals were any different since they got their emotions from mortals. And now, a little removed from what I’d seen in his office, I could admit to myself that Nyktos cared for me. He’d proven that. But what I’d seen showed how shallow those feelings ran. Not only that, he’d clearly lied to me about his relationship with Veses—how he felt about her. Who knew what else he hadn’t been truthful about. But I also…
I cared too much.
I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did otherwise. I would’ve been more angry than hurt. My heart wouldn’t have felt as if it were breaking. I had feelings for him, and that was never a part of the deal I’d struck with him. That was never in the cards for me. But I’d opened the door to him, letting myselffeel safe with him and want more than I should. And that was on me. But what was on him? The mistake he’d made? He’d walked through that open door.
And that felt like an unforgivable mistake.
On both our parts.
Because we could’ve had what I’d offered in that deal. Pleasure for the sake of pleasure. Fucking and nothing more. No long conversations about anxiety or my fears about what kind of person I was. He didn’t need to ask about my life in Lasania. I didn’t need to wonder about his.
I stared at the dark, ruby-red juice, my eyes burning. If I were being honest with myself, it never could’ve stayed purely physical. I had started to care for him when I’d been determined to kill him. I’d started to wantmoreeven then.
Closing my eyes, I willed the stinging away and forced my thoughts to what would come next. What I saw between him and Veses didn’t change that there were far bigger issues to deal with. There was finding Delfai in Irelone. Removing the embers. Dealing with Kolis. All things that required Nyktos and me to work together. But most importantly, I couldn’t lose control again. Doing so was too dangerous. For others. For me.
And contrary to what Nyktos believed, I didn’t want to die. Not when there was the possibility of a future that wouldn’t be dictated by a destiny I’d never agreed to. A life that I and no one else owned. I needed to survive to live that.
Because I wanted that.
Deserved it.
Which meant I needed to become Nyktos’s Consort. Until we dealt with Kolis, I needed the protection the title offered. But it couldn’t be anything more than that. I was mature enough to acknowledge that, no matter how much I enjoyed being in Nyktos’s arms. No matter how much I wanted that. Because the physical stuff led to wanting more. To feelings. And that wasn’t safe. Not for me. Not for others. My chest ached even now, a sure sign that I wanted too much.
But once we handled Kolis? I could want to my heart’s content—and what I wanted was freedom.
I knew what I had to do.
Resolve formed as I opened my eyes. Bele and Rhain still argued. Over what, I had no idea. But Rhain watched me. Ireached over Bele, placing the cup on the nightstand.