Rhain scoffed. “Hell, no, it’s not. That only happens when Primals go into stasis. The roots—they’re meant to protect a Primal as they rest. They were protecting you.”
“They werechokingme.”
“They were trying to cover you, to keep you safe. Okay, let me explain it this way,” Rhain said when he saw my look of disbelief. “Primals are a part of the very fabric of the realms. The roots keep them connected to the realms while they rest. Understand?”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
Rhain squinted. “You don’t understand.”
“No.” I turned to Bele. “But either way, I’m not a Primal.”
“But you havePrimalembers in you. So, yeah, you’re basically a Primal in their Culling.” Bele refilled the cup. “You’re a little ball of specialness.”
Rhain looked a little less than impressed by that statement.
“You just need to make sure that doesn’t happen again,” Rhain said as I took the cup from Bele. “Because the next time you go to sleep, you may not wake up.”
“Like…at all,” Bele added as I took a drink of the sweet fruit juice. It did so much more to ease the scratchiness of my throat. “It’s common enough that you kind of prepare to die during the Culling.”
“Bele,” Rhain groaned.
“What? It’s true. I told my mother I wanted a ceremony if I died,” she went on. “A large, obnoxious one full of endless prayers to the Primals and a countless stream of mourners to speak only of how great I was. I want loud, heartfelt sobbing—not just a few tears. I’m talking full-on, ugly crying. Snot running down the face kind of sobbing.” The skin above her brows creased as her lips pursed. “And at least one good fight as my body burns. Like a full-on fight that even knocks over the pyre.”
I stared at Bele. “Wow.”
“That about sums it up,” Rhain remarked.
I looked at him and then remembered what he’d been saying to Nyktos.You’ve got to stop this. Do it.And I remembered becoming empty. Blank. My grip on the cup tightened. “I didn’t go to sleep.”
“No, not on your own,” Rhain confirmed.
“Nyktos…he usedcompulsionon me.”
“He didn’t want to,” Rhain said, and I remembered that, too—remembered Nyktos trying to get me to calm my breathing. His near-palpable reluctance. “But if he hadn’t, you wouldn’t be here. If you didn’t bring the palace down on us, you could’ve gone into your Ascension. And that would’ve killed you. Do you understand? Because that was likely what was happening. You were forcing yourself into Ascension.”
I wasn’t forcing myself into shit, but I got what he was saying. “I…I understand,” I said, and that was hard. “I get why he had to do it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
Rhain’s nostrils flared. “Yet again, I don’t think you understand.”
Anger sparked as I held his stare. “I spent my whole life without free will, but I was aware that I had no control. With compulsion, I have no awareness. That may not seem like a difference to you or one that should matter, but it does to me. But like I said, I understand why he did it. The alternative would’ve been death.”
Something flickered over his face, but it was gone before Icould understand what it was. “Just don’t hold it against him.” He looked away. “He’ll do that for you.”
Something else Rhain had said suddenly struck me. That I had no idea what Nyktos had sacrificed for me—
Juice sloshed as Bele plopped down on the side of the bed, weapons and all. Rhain sent her an exasperated look.
Clearing my thoughts, I took a careful drink as I refocused on what was important. “How do we keep this from happening again?” I asked. “The going into stasis—”
“And likely dying?” Bele finished for me.
“Yeah,” I muttered. “That.”
“Eating. Lots of protein.” Bele propped herself against the headboard. “Chocolate, too, if I remember correctly.”
Chocolate. Now I understood why that often accompanied the food brought to me and why Nyktos was always so focused on my meals.
“Physical activity,” Rhain tacked on. “That helps.”