“That sounds very romantic, but I am not sure what that has to do with announcing your new title to the ton.”
He sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. The last thing he wanted to do was revisit a problem he had no solution to, but his mother deserved an answer if his actions were going to affect her too.
“I fear she is being pressured to marry a nobleman. Her family was less than pleased with her even dancing with me as they think I am no more than a lowly soldier.”
“While I am not thrilled that her family is so close minded, I can understand. It is very important for a lady to marry well if she is to secure her future. It is a pressure I fear all young ladies face.”
“Yes, well, I have reason to believe she will be forced to accept a proposal from a rake of a man simply because he is titled and has shown interest.”
“Ah, I see. You think that if you announce Elijah’s death, her family will approve of you.”
“Is that wrong? To use my brother’s death to my advantage?”
It was the question he had been afraid of asking. In all of his conversations with Nicholas, it was the one question he had not been able to bring himself to ask. He knew that eventually he would have to announce Elijah’s passing, but he could not help but feel it was wrong to make that announcement at the time that most benefited himself.
“Benjamin,” his mother said, placing her hand on top of his, “you cannot help that Elijah is no longer here. You did not cause his death.”
“I cannot help but think there was more I could have done to save him,” Benjamin admitted.
“He was always a sickly child, dear.” Grief and despair washed over her face. “There was nothing more the doctors could have done. His body grew tired. That is all. He was simply too tired to fight off yet another illness.”
“But if I had not left, if I had stayed, I could have helped him with his duties. I could have relieved him of some of the burden, some of the strain he felt.”
“We could play the ‘what if’ game for the rest of our lives, dear. You left because it was the right thing for you to do at the time. And you came home when it was right too.”
Benjamin nodded, at a loss of what to say after that. When he had first enlisted, Benjamin had been so sure that the military was his way out. It was the ticket he would use to see the world and support himself. Now, all he could see was that it robbed him of some of his closest friends and the last four years of his brother’s life. He was not so sure that it had been the best decision.
“Regardless of how you might feel about it all,” she said, seeming to have read his mind, “we cannot undo the past. All we have is the present and hopes for the future. I do not think you are using Elijah’s death to your advantage. It is something that should have been announced weeks ago. Perhaps it is simply fate that has placed this girl in your life now. I know you would never wish for your brother’s death, but he is gone. You are the Duke now. It is in your best interest to make decisions that serve you. It is not dishonoring your brother’s memory to make those decisions.”
“Is it wrong that I am happy with her?” Benjamin asked, his voice quiet and small.
“No, dear. He would want you to find your happiness. I want you to find your happiness.”
She stood then, crossing behind him and placed her hands on his shoulders.
“It is late. I will go off in search of my bed, as should you. But know this — I will support whatever you decide to do. And I hope to meet this very special lady soon.”
She gave him a smile before bidding him goodnight, closing the door behind her as she left.
With his conscience soothed a bit, Benjamin now only needed to figure out how he would tell Felicity. She was not responding to his letters, so he figured that meant he would need to find her in person and tell her. Perhaps then they could begin courting in earnest.
Even with a plan in place, Benjamin still felt a bit restless and edgy, so he moved to his desk and pulled out a blank piece of paper. Writing to Felicity was the only thing that seemed to bring him any semblance of peace these days, even if she would not respond, even if he did not send the letter. Regardless, Benjamin sat, and he wrote.
CHAPTER12
Benjamin,
I have written and rewritten this letter a dozen times. And while I am certain your eyes will never read the words I am about to put to paper, I feel I must get them out of me regardless.
There are so many things I wish I could tell you. There are so many things I want you to know. The first of which is that my reaction to you the other night was not your doing. I enjoyed every minute of our dance together and have no doubt that I will spend the rest of my life dreaming of those moments. Unfortunately, the moment was ruined by my mother’s severe reaction once I returned to her. She was less than pleased with me giving attention to a man who has neither title nor money. My reaction on the balcony was out of fear that someone would find us and cause a scandal. I can see now that it was a ridiculous fear as there were several others around acting as chaperones. I can only apologize for how horrible I am sure I made you feel.
I want you to know that if I had it my way, your lack of money and title would have no consequence on our… whatever it is you want to call this. These past weeks, your letters have brought me unmerited joy. Getting to know you, hearing of your life, I feel as if I have found a piece of me that was missing without ever realizing it was gone. I am sure that made no sense at all, but it is the best I can do.
The compliments you gave me in your last letter have caused me to dare to hope in ways I have been hesitant to hope before. If I am understanding your words correctly, then I want you to know that I, most fervently and irrationally return your feelings and –
* * *
“You must eat something, Felicity,” Ruth hovered over the side of Felicity’s bed, the tray of untouched food in her hands.