“She’s been following us around for weeks, but she’s always focused on you.”
Frustration burns through me, and I shrug it off. “I’m not interested.” I can’t tell him why. And I can’t admit that I’m an idiot for even listening to him. My mind is filled with thoughts of my best friend. When his hand lands on my shoulder, I can’t stop my body from tensing.
I open my mouth since we only have a few minutes, but when he looks at me, I lose all my courage. I can’t say anything to him. As much as I want to tell him I love him, that I want to be the one he kisses every day, I can’t. Because I know the moment I do, I’ll change both our lives forever.
It was the most difficult decision I ever made. Not telling him. There were times after that when I wanted to admit my feelings, but that day I realized if I confessed, it would have had a detrimental effect on both of us.
But now that he’s the one who made the first move, I’m no longer sure my choice was for the best. If he has always felt like this about me, like he said, we could have floundered our way through the rest of high school together.
I allowed my fear to take hold and I missed my chance. But now, it’s different. We’re older. We’re adults now, which means we can make our own choices, but even so, our folks are the ones in control of both our finances and our schooling. If Ez’s parents don’t approve of our relationship, they can so easily hold his college tuition over his head. And that is something I can’t allow him to lose. I may have a scholarship, and I’m pretty certain if he were to apply he’d get one too, but his future is important. And I would rather walk away from him than have him lose a career.
When my folks arrive home, I’m in my bedroom, still trying to figure out how the fuck I’m going to broach this subject with them. I have always known what my sexuality is. There’s never been a doubt in my mind. I had a few girls around, but none of them ever made me feel anything, not what I had when I was with Ez.
The conversation downstairs is lighthearted enough to have my panic dissipating, but I don’t think it’s going to last long. I don’t think they’re going to be happy. At least, that’s what I imagine. Perhaps I’m jumping to conclusions and I don’t know my folks as well as I think I do. Maybe they’ll be relaxed about everything. Much like my younger sister is.
I make my way from the bedroom and head down the stairs. I find them both in the living room, settling in for a couple of hours of downtime before my mother’s going to make dinner. It’s their late afternoon ritual. Since Mom is a teacher and Dad’s work is mostly in the evenings, they spend as much time as they can together.
I’ve always looked up to them. The love they share is special. It reminds me of my feelings for Ezryn, and I know it’s going to have to be now or never.
“Hey, guys,” I greet them in my usual bored tone and flop into what is now known as my armchair. It’s one of the most comfortable seats in the house.
“How was your day?” Mom asks, her interest focused on me now, and the anxiety that had twisted in my stomach earlier returns. She looks at me with so much confidence, so much affection, that I feel bad for possibly ruining that.
“There was something I actually wanted to talk to you about,” I tell her, then glance at Dad. “To both of you actually.”
Dad flicks off the television, and his attention is now fully on me. As much as he’s my hero, he fucking scares me too. The man is built like a wall, hard muscle, broad shoulders, and an intense glare that can make anyone scuttle in fear. Perhaps that’s how he wins his fights, but he’s also good with his fists.
“What’s wrong?” he questions in his usual gravely tone.
I sigh as I swallow past the lump in my throat. “I was over at Ez’s house today,” I start slowly. It’s not news, but it’s where I feel comfortable starting. “He’s going to Harvard as well.”
“Oh, that’s great news.” Mom smiles, knowing my friendship with him is long-standing. “You’re happy about it?”
“I am,” I say with a nod. “I just… There is something else Ez and I spoke about, and I needed to tell you…” My words falter for a moment, which has Dad leaning forward on his knees, his elbows resting on them while his fingers tangle. He doesn’t look angry, just pensive.
“What’s wrong, Sorin?” His tone is more serious now, which doesn’t ease my pulse rate.
“I’m in love with him,” I blurt suddenly.
For a long while, silence hangs in the air. Movement on the staircase catches my eye and my sister is smiling at me. The happiness on her face tells me she knew all this time. She sussed me out before I could.
“Love?” My father’s deep rumble rattles itself through me. “You know what love is?” I expect him to lose his shit, but then, he shocks me by laughing. “My eighteen-year-old son is in love,” he says, grabbing my mom’s knee, which has her giggling.
Their reaction is strange, to say the least, and I almost ask if they’re high. If they said yes, I would believe them. “Yeah,” I finally mutter, unsure of what to do next.
“Well,” my mom says, “I always knew you two had a special relationship. I think it’s rather sweet.”
Her words have my brow furrowing. Confusion twists in my stomach. “What?”
“Sorin,” my mother says as she pushes to her feet. She comes toward me, holding out her hands. When I accept them, she drags me to stand. “You’re my son,” she tells me as she cups my face. Even though my mother is short, she still scares me shitless. “Tell me one thing,” she requests gently. “When you look at him… how do you feel?” Her gaze penetrates right to my soul, and I know exactly what my answer is.
“It’s like coming home,” I tell her. It’s the only way to describe it. There are no other words. “It’s as if I long to see him when I’m not around him. I feel as if I’m not whole.” It may sound stupid, cliché, but it’s the truth.
“You’re old enough to make your own decisions,” Dad says from behind me. “Don’t let anyone else tell you who you should love. Not even us.” And that’s when I realize I’ve judged them unfairly, when they didn’t judge me at all.
CHAPTER FOUR
EZRYN