This is how our day goes—little battles back and forth to avoid having any real conversations or feelings, until Rialta gets fed up enough to ask for what she really wants.
“I’m going to see Kit tonight. What security do you want me to bring with me?” Rialta says as soon as I return from an early evening run to find her pacing my living room.
“No,” is all I say as I walk in and head straight to my bar, needing a stiff drink to handle her tonight.
“Um, you don’t get to tell me no. I’m a grown woman who can make my own decisions,” she says, hovering over me as I pour myself a scotch.
I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing that would shut everything out, but it just makes the visions worse. They keep coming, flooding my head—over and over and over again—images of her.
Of her smile.
Of her laugh.
Of her dying.
Of history repeating itself.
I try to take a deep breath, knowing I need to breathe, to meditate, to medicate—something to get rid of the panic that keeps rising inside of me, but I can’t.
“No,” I say again, this time rougher than before. I can’t get anything else out. I can’t explain to her that I’m having a panic attack, that I feel déjà vu every time I’m with her. The thought of her leaving my sight right now and risking her life is not something I can bear in this moment.
“I’m going. Send Hayes or Gage, but I’m going to see Kit tonight.”
“No.” I grab her wrist, snagging her hand where she’s wearing my engagement and wedding rings. I’m breathing uncontrollably. One second I’m sucking in too much air too fast; the next, I’m barely taking in enough to remain standing.
“Lennox?” Rialta’s face goes white, finally noticing my state.
I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, trying to make it stop. My hands ball at my sides, and sweat pours down my face.
Death—all I see is death coming. Again.
“Lennox,” her voice is soft and distant.
I’m not going to be enough.
I’m going to fail.
I’m going to die before I succeed, just like before.
And Rialta is going to die, too, because I’m the only man who can protect her.
I feel my legs giving out.
At least I don’t love Rialta like I loved her. I don’t even like her. I’m just not sure she deserves to die because of me.
I fall to the floor, the world spinning.
Breathe.
Her voice echoes in my head.
I want to die to stop the pain.
But I can’t.
I have to finish what I started.
I can’t fail.