I couldn’t speak yet. Not when I was buried in his perfect embrace, wrapped up in the woodsy musk of his scent. My heart raced for completely different reasons now, and I knew my grace period on this hug was quicky expiring.
I drew a deep breath, pulling myself away from him in one big burst, even though every cell of my body wanted to stay right there.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, dabbing at my eyes. “I didn’t mean to cry.”
“It’s okay.” He shrugged. “We’re just passing the intense-life-moments baton. Today’s your day. Yesterday was mine."
“Tara just told me that my mother started using drugs because of the stress of living with a selfish brat like me,” I said quietly, my gaze dropping to the floor. “She was angry because I can’t send her five hundred dollars by the end of the day. My mom had to unexpectedly enter a new halfway house becausereasons, and…” I threw my hands out to my sides. “And here we are, as always. Running in circles around my mother’s addiction. She always makes me feel like every aspect of it is my fault. But I still send money, even though deep down, I don’t want my mom to see a dime of my money after what I had to live through with her.”
Tears pressed at my eyes again, and I rubbed my forehead. “Good morning, by the way,” I added with a laugh. “Sorry I was in here. I just didn’t want anyone to hear my conversation.”
“Don’t worry about it. Whatever you need is yours.” He leaned against the edge of his desk.
But what if what I need is you?I looked over at him and wondered if he could see the question in my heart. "Thank you, Damian. You’ve been nothing but generous, and I promise you, it’s been life-changing.”
“Tara’s always been a bitch, hasn’t she?”
“To put it mildly.”
Damian stepped up to me, grabbing me by my arms. He searched out my gaze. “There’s no way in hell you were the cause of your mother’s addiction.”
I nodded, getting lost in his mossy gaze. “Thank you. She says it because she knows it hurts me.”
That hadn’t even been the worst part about what she’d said. Tara calling me a self-centered brat had been the worst. Because she knew what had happened under my mother’s roof. She knew which one of Mom’s exes had forced himself on me and the ways I begged for things to change.
But no. The do-gooder teenager was the brat, the one who’d forced the adult to use drugs.Sure.
The whole thing made my blood boil.
An alarm broke the comfortable silence between us—my phone. It was 10 o’clock. The bagels were here.
“Oh my god.” I slapped my forehead, more than ready to shift gears for the day. “The delivery is here.”
“What delivery?”
“Breakfast, silly!” I winked at him. “Wait here. You’re gonna love what I got for us today.”
Damian looked genuinely amused as I headed out of his office. I beelined for the reception desk, where I found the delivery driver with my order. I returned to Damian’s office with three large paper bags.
“Okay, so this might be more than I was expecting,” I said, heading for the long table to one side of his office, which I’d started using just for these occasions. I unpacked the brown paper bags, laying out all the elements as I discovered them: everything bagels, plain bagels, cinnamon-raisin bagels. Cream cheese and smoked salmon. Raspberry chia jam. Sweet chili jam. Lavender jelly. With each new item I revealed, myoohsandaahs grew louder.
“Hot damn, Jessa,” Damian murmured once it was all laid out.
“I think we need to invite a few more people to partake,” I said with a laugh. “Maybe I went overboard."
Damian stood so close to me I could feel the heat pouring off him. I so badly wanted to reach out and grab his hand, or maybe have him touch the small of my back again. I glanced over at him, wondering if he suffered from even an ounce of the same lunacy. But he was entranced by the bagel spread.
“It’s perfection,” I said with a sigh. “Even though nobody back home can ever find out how much we spent on bagels today.”
Damian laughed. “Your secret is safe with me and my credit card.” He reached for an everything bagel and then contemplated the cream cheese selections. “You think she’ll ever come around?”
“Who, my sister? Never.” I reached for the lavender jelly, wondering how that might pair with an everything bagel. “She reminds me every week how I should be back in Kentucky taking care of mom because I’m the unmarried and childless one who needs to repent for the sin of being alive. According to her, I’m doing nothing with my life. But to me, I’msavingmy life. I was going to die if I stayed in Kentucky even another week—from boredom, from lack of fulfillment, from…” My voice dried up. The ghosts of my past were real there. Not just what had happened with Mom’s ex-boyfriend, but what went down with Tommy, too.
I had plenty to run from. Plenty that I never wanted to think about again.
Damian nodded. “Yeah. Some people won’t ever get it.”
“And it’s okay if they don’t,” I added, licking the edge of the plastic knife I’d used to spread the jelly before tossing it in the waste basket.Damnthat stuff was good. “But I don’t want to be made to feel like a bitch for going after what I want and need.”