This weekend is my first wedding shoot. I am pretty excited to get started, and I roped Hanna into tagging along. The gaudy pink cast came off a few days ago, and after six weeks, the bones healed back correctly, according to my x-ray—still no motion, not even a twitch. I thought I'd get the cast removed and magically be healed but so much for wishful thinking. The doctor seems to think therapy may help, but I'm not gonna hold my breath. I strap a brace over my wrist to keep it stable and roll over in the bed, glaring at the empty wall. I've only been here a week, and it's not much of a home, it feels temporary, and I know I can't hold onto that.
This is my new start. I tell myself, grabbing my camera off the floor and scrolling through the pictures I've taken recently. My thumb comes to a screeching halt on the picture of Judson, the first picture I took. It seems so long ago, but I can't move it from the camera. I study his face, the dark eyes I've come to love, and the way he looks at me through the lens. The camera hits the sheets with a thud, and I can't stop a sigh from escaping my lips as I throw my head back down on the pillow.
The buzzing of my phone snaps me back to reality as I toss over to see Hanna's face flash on the screen.
"Hey," I answer, trying to hide my sadness.
"You're coming over tonight. We are ringing in the new year!" She sounds so chipper, and honestly it makes me want to punch her in her pretty face.
"I think I'm going to pass," I say with a hesitant whisper.
"No, you can't. I already told Jay you were coming."
"I'm sorry Han, I can't. Judson and I... well, I don't know what we are." I admit.
"Judson isn't coming. Jay said he is in Atlanta. So you're coming."
As much as I want to argue and stay in with rocky road and a rom-com, I decide it's not worth it because she isn't going to let me out of this. I agree to stop by and throw the phone back down.
Hanna is a great friend, but her ties to Judson leave me wishing I had other friends that didn't know him… or me.
I rummage through the closet after my shower looking for something to wear. I have managed to accumulate a bit of a wardrobe since moving here but decide nothing really screams Happy New Year. Going into town to pick up a few things won't be so bad.
I still haven't bought a car, so I've been taking an Uber to most places or walking. I would say I didn't like to walk but exploring has actually been pretty fulfilling when getting my mind off of the shit show that is my life. After a solid forty-five minutes of shopping, I finally decide on a soft gold form-fitted dress and some black booties and make my way back to get ready. I don't spend a lot of time priming because I don't have anyone to impress, So I grab my clutch, phone, and keys and head out the door.
The night is still young as I pull into Jay and Hanna's apartment. I am a couple hours late, but after pacing my apartment trying to think of an excuse not to come and coming up empty, I decided better late than never. I force the front door open. The crowd is thicker than I had anticipated. I feel a wave of nausea as I enter, remembering the last conversation I had with Judson.
"Blakely! I am so glad you are here!" Hanna squeals as she runs up to me and takes my hand. I offer her a forced smile and follow her through the crowd to the balcony.
"Jay, Blake's here!"
He pulls me into a hug, unsure of what to say.
"Blake, I'm sorry about ev-" I cut him off.
"Don't, it's alright. I don't want to talk about it." He gives me a weak smile and glances down at my wrist.
The next few minutes we spend in small talk about doctor appointments and how I'm doing. I excuse myself and head into the kitchen for a drink. I am pouring myself a beer into a cup when I can't help but feel this odd sensation that I am being watched. I turn and glance around the room, trying to decide if I need to worry. I don't really see anyone I recognize, so I continue to pour my drink.
A few seconds later, I feel a hand on my back, and the familiar feeling has my heart beating out of my chest. I jerk around, frightened, and gasp as I see Judson closing in around me. I can't help but pull myself away.
"Wh-what are you doing here?" I stutter.
"I don't even know Blake." He looks exhausted like he hasn't slept in a month. The look of desperation in his eyes has me willing to listen to him when I really just want to walk away.
I just stare at him, wondering if this is real or if I just imagine things now.
"Can we talk?" He looks down at me and places his hand on my hip.
I nod, and he takes my hand and leads me into Jay's bedroom. Suddenly the nerves are feeling a lot like dread, and I'm not sure if I want to break things off again. Once was enough for me. He pulls the door closed, and I take a seat on the bed. He hesitates as he sits down and pushes my hair behind my shoulder.
He doesn't speak. I see the hurt in his eyes. The pain radiates off of him so much, I am starting to feel it myself. I find myself wishing I could break down this imaginary wall he has put up and take it all away.
The silence should be awkward, but it's actually comforting. He tugs me into a hug, still speechless. I can feel him crumbling into me. His large frame feels weak, and it's as if he's turned into a puddle on the floor. He pulls back, and I can see the moisture on his eyelids.
Is he crying?
"I can't stay away from you. I want to. I need to, but I physically can't. I need to know that you are ok." His words sting and are difficult for me to process as I sit here staring at him. So he doesn't want to be with me but doesn't want to let me go? The realization of how fucked up I feel right now doesn't sit well with me.