"So you don't want to be together, but you don't want to leave me alone?" I take a deep breath, "I can't keep doing this Judson, I want to be with you, but I am all in. I can't bejustfriends. I would like to think I could be, but I can't lie to you and say I would even try." He grabs my hand out of my lap and fidgets around with my fingers.
"I feel this strange need to protect you, Blake. I can't explain exactly what that means, but I need you in my life, and I feel like to keep you around, I have to take a step back. I just need you to be patient and understand what that means for us." He looks away, out the window, and my heart is breaking again.
"Judson, you don't need to protect me or pity me. Sure we met under weird circumstances, but I have been through enough. I don't want to be drug around, I have been my whole life, and I think it's finally time for me to be free from that." His face pales, and he looks at me, trying to find some words.
"I love you. God Blake, I love you. I don't want to hurt you." He lets out a sigh.
"Then don't, Judson." He looks up at me, and before I can even think it through, his lips are connected with mine. The desire is pulsing through me, love. What I have always wanted to feel, a specific craving that only he can fill.
The door opens, and I jolt away from Judson. Jay is standing in the doorway.
"Jud, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Atlanta?"
Judson looks completely flustered, "I was, I am, I will be."
He practically stutters the words out at Jay. The look in Jay's eyes tells me something is going on that is about to completely change everything.
"B, can you give us a second?" Jay gives me a genuine smile, and I drop Judson's hand and walk toward the door, giving him one last glance before pulling it closed.
CHAPTER 35
JUDSON
Watching her slip out that door knowing good and well I won't see her again, at least not anytime soon, damn near tore my heart out of my chest. Jay closes in on me, and I can feel his harsh tone in my bones, "I love you, but you are fucking stupid. Why did you come here? Was it to torture Blakely?"
"Jay, you don't have any idea what you are talking about."
He yanks his desk chair out and plops down in it with the same teenager attitude I've dealt with for the better part of 6 years.
"Well, why don't you enlighten me, Judson. You ghost us all for two weeks because Dad is back and break up with Blakely. I just don't understand. I know you don't do relationships, but I saw how you were at the hospital when Blake wrecked her car. You love her, so why don't you just tell her and stop being a dick."
I run my fingers through my mess of hair, "Jay, I've told her I love her. She's young like you and doesn't understand that I need to protect her from Ryan. You were twelve when shit went down. You were collateral damage, he has unfinished business with me, and I am sure that he will attempt to get to you or her if he finds out my relations with her." I blow out a deep breath and lay back onto the bed, my hands still tangled in my hair.
"She's young, but she isn't stupid. If her age difference was an issue, why did you pursue her in the first place?" He lets out a sigh.
"Her age means nothing. I love her, Jay. I'd marry her tomorrow." I know that is a pretty big revelation to my kid brother, but here lately, the words come before my brain can force them back down my throat.
"Wow, I've never heard you talk like that." Jay rolls the chair closer to me and places his hand on my shoulder. "Whatever goes on with Dad, I know you will come out on top and stronger than before. I know you're my brother, but most of the time, I wish you were my dad." I pull him into a hug. I can't let anything happen to him or Blake. I shuffle fast to stand and bust toward the door. Before I head out, I turn to Jay, "I'm going to fix everything. Look out for her." I fly out of Jay's room and to the front door as quick as I can. There's only one place I need to be right now, and that is in Atlanta finishing what Carter and I started.
I jump into my car and drive a little too fast to Atlanta. I pull up outside Carter's penthouse and make my way up. We've spent the past two weeks digging through old company paperwork, trying to find any evidence of other crimes. So far, the only crime we have found is a whole lot of infidelity, which we already knew. When Ryan went to prison, we boxed up his office and only kept out some necessary files, so Carter and I have been digging through some of the files attempting to find any kind of ammunition. The sad part is, I feel so fucked up right now. Who wants to put their father in prison?
"Can you just breathe, man? We will find something, and if we don't, it's not like you can't kick his ass." Carter pushes my shoulder as I dig frantically through the 10th box. My breath hitches, and I suddenly feel the burning sensation coming up in my throat. My eyes feel betrayed at the label on the next manilla folder, and the second my brain realizes what it says, my hands become too weak to grab it, and the folder falls to Carter's hardwood floors.
Paternity.
What the hell? Just when I thought it couldn't get any dirtier, now I have a sibling somewhere that my dad abandoned?
"What is it?" Carter asks as he slides the folder closer to him with his foot. "What the…" He whispers as he opens the folder, his eyes dart to me and back to the papers he is now shuffling through.
"Is it a boy or a girl?" I ask playfully to hide the panic and the fact I feel like I was just sucker-punched in the gut. The cheating was one thing, but getting some other womanpregnant? How could he do that to my mother if he really loved her?
"Judson, you are a boy. These papers are yours."
I yank the folder out of his hand, digging through it like my whole damn life depends on it.
Probability of Paternity 0%, Judson Banks, Ryan Banks… The muscle inside my chest feels as though it is going to beat straight out onto the floor. The harsh realization sets in. He knew he wasn't my father. Would my mom have cheated on him? The questions flood my mind quicker than I'd like as I sit in complete silence, trying to figure out my next move.
"Are you okay?" Carter's voice is soft and apologetic, "I want to say I'm surprised Judson, but you have never been anything like him." I breathe in and out, reminding myself that is how I survive. You know, normal things like breathing. I sit back into the chair. What seems like an eternity goes by before I can even move. I stand, and my feet feel like bricks as I walk into the kitchen to pour myself a drink. The whiskey burns as it makes its way down my throat.