Whereas facing these people today, and putting my mask on, is something that I can deal with.
So that is what I'm going to focus on.
Except, then there’s a knock at my door, and I find the four of them standing on the other side, each with a bowl of ice cream in hand, Asher with two.
Tears fill my eyes as they funnel into the room, puppies right along with them, and sit on the bed. Travis taps the mattress between him and Cole, so I climb over them all to sit with them, and Asher hands me the second bowl.
"Ice cream for breakfast is a new tradition I can get on board with," Sawyer says with a huge grin, lifting the mood a little as a tear slips down my face.
I can’t speak around the lump in my throat, so I take a mouthful of the ice cream, listening to them all talk about the day, all while my heart starts to heal a little despite the pain… despite how much it hurts.
They let me be silent, and I join in the conversation where I can, but mostly I sit and I eat ice cream with the four guys I never imagined would become my family.
When we’re finished, they each give me a chaste kiss, taking the puppies with them. I take a deep breath as I lean back against the door, telling myself I can do this.
I move across the room and pull a pair of dress pants from the closet with a fitted white blouse, and a bright red belt to go with the bright red heels that are in the bottom of the closet that Penn seems to have left here, ‘cause they sure as hell aren't mine.
It's Christmassy while being formal and feels enough not like me that I can pretend to be whoever I want to be today. And that's exactly what I'm going to need to get through this.
I pull the clothes on and tie my hair back into a low bun with strands falling around my face before painting on my makeup. My eyes are lined and mascara enhances my lashes before I swipe my lips with red to match my belt and shoes.
I glance in the mirror and smile when I see that I don't look anything like myself. The reflection that stares back at me definitely isn't the girl I know I am. But for today, it's who I'm going to pretend to be, because the girl in the mirror looks like she can survive anything. She looks like a badass that can play within the circles of the wealthy and come out on top. She looks like exactly what I need to survive today.
So let the games begin.
CHAPTEREIGHT
Cole
If I was to say that today was an absolute shit show so far, it might just be the biggest understatement of my entire life.
From the moment we walked through the door to the ‘not-so-festive’ festivities, it has been one thing after another. My dad and Travis' pops have done nothing but take jabs at each other all day about the engagement between me and Briar. About human trafficking, how politicians get away with more than they should and about dirty tactics.
I've tried to stay as far away from it as possible, but I also know my father. Once he sets his mind to something, there's almost no turning back.
Back when I agreed to this madness, Briar was a nameless, faceless human who didn't have a personality. Who didn't have thoughts and feelings and goals and dreams of her own. When I agreed to it, I thought she would just be another vapid Barbie doll, like most of the other women in the society circles we run in.
I didn't expect her to be the complete opposite of everything I ever imagined. For her to be everything I never dared to dream of.
So, while on the one hand, I would marry her in a heartbeat, I also don’t want to force her to do something that goes so firmly against everything that she wants. Even if that means I don't get the girl at the end of it all.
I've been huddled by the tree with the guys for the last hour, trying to avoid the madness of our parents. Briar retreated with the puppies into the yard a while back, and we've just kind of let her be because of the sadness lying behind her eyes. It hurts to see her in so much pain and I can't force myself to even attempt to persuade her to come back in here.
Nobody else seems to have really noticed her absence, so I'm not about to be the one to draw attention to it.
I let out a sigh, sipping at the eggnog Tobias handed out to everybody a little while ago, disliking the taste. But I dislike the taste of most alcohol I get handed to me when we're at these functions. I've just learned how to swallow it down and enjoy the numbing sensation that comes with it. I might not enjoy the flavor, but the numbness is necessary for dealing with most of the people in our circle.
"Is Briar okay?" Sawyer asks Asher as he watches her. He hasn’t mentioned a word about what happened with her this morning. I know it was bad, I could tell as much when we all went in for ice cream, but no one has said a damn thing about it since.
"How much do you all know about her little sister?" Asher asks.
"I don't know much other than the fact that she had one," I respond, though I have a feeling that Travis knows more than he's ever let on, whereas Sawyer just looks a little confused by the question.
Asher launches into the story of Iris, Briar’s sister. About how she died and why Christmas is so triggering for Briar. My heart physically aches for her and everything that she's been through up to this point in life. Nobody our age should have been through so much and suffered so much, especially with so much loss.
I know that we've had it hard at times, but, in reality, what we’ve faced is nothing compared to the sorts of things that she's survived. From the files that I've read on her to the things that I've discovered through talking to her and the things the others have told me, I'm amazed that she is the person that she is, that she functions so well.
I have a feeling if it was any of us that had been through what she's been through, we'd be a quivering mess in the corner, probably strung out on something while we tried to hide from reality.