He never pushes beyond what I'm willing to tell him.
I lose track of how much time I lie there with his fingers running through my hair, and I swear he almost lulls me to sleep with that alone. He kisses the top of my head, and I loosen a breath before words start falling from my mouth.
"This day used to be all about Iris, all about making this the one day of the year that was perfect for her and seeing the joy spill all over her face. It was the one day of the year where I would make sure that I wasn't doing something. I focused entirely on her.
"We would bake cookies and eat ice cream for breakfast. I would pull together what I could to make us a Christmas dinner and do whatever it took to make sure that she had something under the tree. Christmas was her favorite. And ever since she died, I just haven't been able to face this day properly. Mom's never really cared. She's always had other stuff going on," I say, taking a breath and downplaying just how awful she's been.
"So I've been allowed to wallow in my misery and in my grief for the joy of my life that's missing now." He still doesn't say a word, but continues to play with my hair, his fingers massaging my scalp and running down the back of my neck.
"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to," he whispers in the darkness before kissing my head again. "But thank you for sharing it with me."
I snuggle tighter into his chest and tell him some of my favorite memories of Iris. Of the Christmas where I managed to find her a trunk of old dress-up clothes that had been donated to a thrift store. I managed to get her almost every single Disney princess dress for less than five dollars. It was the absolute steal of my life.
It might have meant that I went without dinner for a couple of days, but it was absolutely worth it to make sure she had that joy that was all over her face.
I tell him about the time where we put up the Christmas tree and it was so wonky that we called it the leaning tree of Pisa. About how we had pizza on Christmas day that year in dedication to our leaning tree of Pisa.
I tell him about the one year that Mom was actually sober enough to pay attention to us on Christmas Day, where she managed to somehow get a full Christmas dinner spread for us, and how we ate until we were basically sick, then kept eating some more. About how much we laughed that day.
I honestly don't remember having laughed that much since.
He lies with me and my memories, just letting me work through them, holding me tight when my throat gets thick. Thinking of Iris is always hard for me, but this is the one day of the year where I let myself wallow in all of the memories of her.
A knock sounds at the door, pausing my retelling, and Asher pops his head out from underneath the duvet. Travis's voice filters through to me, and I can only just hear what he's saying. "We need to get up and get ready. My dad's already texted me four times asking where we are. Everybody's waiting on us to start the morning thing."
I don’t hear Asher’s response, but a few seconds pass before the door shuts. I'm sure they're having one of their weird silent conversations that the four of them seem to be able to have, but I don't care enough to ask about it.
"Are you up for today?" Asher asks, and I shake my head.
"No, but we both know that I don't really have a choice, do I?"
"We could pretend that you're sick?" Asher says, and I shake my head again.
"No, we both know that that's not gonna fly. Chase would expect me to be there regardless. Plus, everyone’s families are there and Pops is already trying to help this whole stupid engagement thing. If I'm home alone, God knows where my thoughts will leave me today. I might as well go and face the music," I tell him with a sigh.
Shadow grumbles as I pull him from my chest and place him on the bed before getting out and heading to my closet.
"You don't need to stay with me," I say to Asher, who is watching me closely as I go through my clothes trying to decide what to wear.
"Icanstay with you if you want me to," he replies, but I shake my head at him once more.
"No, it's fine. I need to build my walls back up if I'm going to face all these people today, and as much as I appreciate you being here, that's going to be easier to do if I'm on my own."
He strides across the room toward me and wraps his arms around my waist from behind, pulling me tightly against his chest. "If you need anything today, you just ask. I don't care where we are or what's going on. If you need me, if you need to escape, you just have to say."
I tilt my head back and lean against his chest, and he drops his lips onto the skin of my collarbone. "Thank you," I say wistfully. "Thank you for everything."
He kisses me again before leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I try to think about how this day is going to play out.WhyI'm trying to guess is beyond me because nothing has gone to plan since I arrived in Serenity Falls a few months ago.
I know I have bigger things to worry about than the fact that it's Christmas and that I'm sad about my little sister.
I have Theodore to worry about, his and Chase's plans.
I've got the whole Professor Crawford thing to freak out about too.
But I've managed to somehow push both of those things right to the back of my mind along with the results of my finals. Because I'm fairly certain at this point, there isn't anything I can do about any of those three things.