I shove her back, secretly hoping she falls off the bed this time. “Okay, I get it.”
Shiloh nods once. “Good. If it’s not okay for me to believe the disgusting lies Cole put in my head about my body, then it’s not okay for you to believe the lies Mark told you about your sexual interests. You like rough fucking, Ray, that isn’t a crime, and as much as your shitty ex liked to tell you, it also isn’t abnormal.”
“But it’s not just rough sex, is it, Shi?” I snap back. Why? I have no idea. Mark’s hateful comments swirl through my brain on repeat almost daily. Every time I have an urge or desire to act on my wants, he pops up like a bad STD, refusing to leave me be. “I have fantasies about being hunted. Chased down and taken in the dirt. I have these insatiable cravings to be torn into, to be bitten and made bleed.” I say, my breathless voice going up an octave as my hands flail about. “And I don’t even have a good reason to want it. I wasn’t traumatized. I wasn't assaulted–” At her sharp glare, I amend. “I mean, before I became interested in this stuff. I just like it, and it’s weird! I want to beforced. Who the fuck wants that?”
I’m panting by the time I finish, and my hands are shaking. I clasp them in my lap, fisting them so tightly my nails dig into my palms. Shiloh doesn’t even bat an eye, and it honestly astounds me.
“And I want a big ass dick with a thick knot shoved up my pussy until I’m practically impaled and split in half,” she supplies causally. “To me, it sounds like you have a primal kink. You want to be chased down by a beast and torn into by a vampire. Sounds hot.”
I gape at her. My mouth is so dry my tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth. I peel it away and lick my dry lips. “You make it sound like I have aTwilightkink,” I murmur. “I don’t.”
She rolls her eyes. “I mean—don’t you though? You’ve loved horror movies your entire life.” She ticks off a finger, counting down my indiscretions like she’s making a grocery list. “Your first crush was Jason Voorhees, and your second was Michael Myers. You got turned on every time Dracula bit someone. You’re the only person I’ve ever met who likedThe Grudgeand wished that bitch would chase your ass down some stairs. And every year since we met, you drag me to that creepy haunted house in the cornfield for Halloween.”
I cringe. She’s not wrong…about any of it. Shiloh releases a heavy breath and continues. “You're an adrenaline junky with a serious thing for villains. It’s not a big deal. You're also open to all sorts of sexual pleasure. You used to embrace this with Oscar before Mark had you questioning yourself. You need to let his words go. Better yet, you need to find someone new who proves him wrong.”
Groaning, I rub my face letting her words sink in. I know she’s right. I’m not opposed to dating it’s just a pain in the ass. I’ve had so much else going on the last few years, it hasn't been a priority. And yeah, the situation with my ex did fuck me up a bit…okay, a lot…
“Could you imagine that shit?” Shiloh says, drawing my attention back to her. I find her staring at me with a wistful expression. My brow arches in question. “TheTwilightthing. If Edward and Jacob didn’t make her choose? If they both hunted her down in those stormy, foggy woods late at night.”
Her voice takes on a haunted, spooky tone as she recounts one of her favorite movies. My eyes widen in realization. Maybe this is where her shifter fascination came from before she got her hands on those damn books.
“Remember that scene where she’s like running through the forest being chased? Come on. That was hot. Of course, it’s meant for kids, so like, she got away, but can you imagine if she didn’t?” she breathes. A dreamy, excited look fills her innocent cherub-like face as she prattles on. Meanwhile, my heart rate is increasing with every single word as I picture it. She continues on, clapping her hands with glee.
“What if the guys teamed up and both chased her? Oh my god! What if Jacob was in his wolf form, and Edward was all blood-hungry with his teeth out? Shit, that would be sexy. Then, they’d catch her and fuck her at the same time. It would be brutal and painful and scary but like, holy crap.” She breaks off, shifting on the bed and wiggling like she’s turned on. She’s not the only one. When she says it like that, it is hot and doesn’t sound nearly as crazy.
“And the force part?” I whisper. Shiloh struggles to pull herself from her lustyTwilightfantasy, but when she does, she gives me a reassuring smile.
“Do you want to be raped against your will, Ray?”
My head rears back in shock. Is that what she thinks? “No,” I say quickly, shaking my head. “No, not at all. That’s not what I want.”
She nods like she knew my answer all along. “I know. You want to give someone consent to take you when you aren’t expecting it. It’s hot as long as it’s safe. Make sure you set up some safe words and talk about your boundaries. Also, make sure it’s with someone you really trust.”
“Jesus Christ, Shi. How did you learn about all of this?” I ask her, my brain struggling to put two and two together. This is not at all the semi-nerdy, quiet girl I met in college. Sure, we both went out and drank and had our fair share of sexual partners, but for the most part, Shiloh was the more reserved between the two of us.
She gives me a knowing look. “You have no idea how much crap I’ve learned from reading smut. I could probably open up a BDSM club at this point, or maybe even a sex store. I’ve had to Google hundreds of things over the years just so I understand what they’re talking about. I’m practically an expert now.”
We stare at each other for a few moments as I process everything she said, especially where my ex is concerned.
Mark was another attorney I’d met 5 years ago when I was fresh from college. We hit it off right away and quickly began dating. I’d trusted him. Hell, I’d even loved him. We were together and sexually active for over six months before I finally got the courage to tell him about my fantasies. I started off slowly, sharing the smaller, more basic wants. He was excited and reciprocated all of them, never missing a beat. It took me another six months before I felt confident enough to spill my soul. I thought his eagerness about everything else we’d done meant he’d be okay knowing the rest…
I was wrong.
So completely wrong.
It’s one thing to know your girl likes her hair pulled, ass slapped, or to be bitten and choked during sex. Those things are honestly pretty basic, in my opinion. Like Shiloh said. As long as it’s discussed, consensual, and safe, there is nothing wrong with rough sex. I know that I honestly do. However, my kinks and desires go far beyond those things. I love the feeling that comes with putting your trust and pleasure in someone else’s hands and justletting go. Knowing that they have you fully and completely. That they will give you exactly what you want, know your limits, and test them. It’s powerful.
I’ve only ever met one man who was down to experiment with me. His name was Oscar, and we met in grad school. We were close friends who got drunk and stumbled into an inadvertent and very personal conversation. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we were fucking six ways to Sunday.
We learned together. Tested our limits and boundaries, and it was seriously justfun. With him, it was easy. If one of us had a desire, there was no judgment. We would just simply say okay and try it out. If it didn’t sit well with one of us or didn’t turn us on, we forgot about it and moved on to the next thing we wanted to explore.
I learned all about safe words and hard limits. I learned that I love the adrenaline and fear that comes with not knowing exactly what’s going to happen next. I enjoy being afraid while still knowing I’m safe. It puts me in a mental space where I can finally let go of everything, including the chaos inside me. I can justbe.
Unfortunately, Oscar and I were only good friends. Besides our sexual compatibility, there was nothing else between us. No way we’d work out long-term. I don’t regret our relationship, and I knew exactly what it was going into it. The part that sucks most is that our time of experimentation opened up an aching chasm inside of me that’s yet to be filled since we parted ways. I thought Mark was going to be the one to change that.
Fuck, I was so wrong.
When I finally told him about my darker desires, his immediate reaction was to berepulsed. The vile things that spilled from his mouth still hurt my soul to this day. I may be a strong independent woman, but I loved him, and his judgment hurt deeply. He ended up leaving that night and going out with friends to blow off steam.