As I think about the punishment I bestowed, each step I take feels heavier, as if the weight were on my shoulders. There is something so special, so important about this role, that I agree—not anyone can do this. But as I return to the main level, I start to feel lighter. This case was not at all like last night, where the situations seemed clear-cut, but it was almost uplifting to know that even in death, I can change people’s afterlives. I want to think that I made Essos proud with what I decided.
I squint against the white marble of the upstairs as we emerge from the cavernous Underworld. Galen is where we left him.
I catch his eye as I sweep past, my dress skimming the ground as I walk, but I ignore him. There is too much going through my mind after last night and this morning. When I’m around Galen, there is a clarity that of course I should listen to him and believe him. That obviously I was once his wife, and that must mean something. But without those memories, I’m not the same woman. Without the pressure of Galen’s presence, I’m able to look past the expectation to be someone I’m not. Around Essos, I feel his focus on who I am as a person now, even if he knows that I had this other life.
On the walk upstairs, Cat and I decide that the day should be spent at the beach in the sun, doing our nails and forgetting about Essos and what happened during the hearing. I don’t want to talk about either of the men for the rest of the day, needing just to be with my friend.
I want to pretend we made it to Santa Monica and saw the stupid beach volleyball games. I want to pretend I don’t have memories locked away about being married and in love. I want to pretend I’m still in college and have a future full of gardening and getting married and maybe having babies, and Cat becoming president.
I’m adding a shade called Petal Pink to my nails, about to say something about sea monsters, when I see that Cat is crying silently as she applies a red color to her own nails. It slowly builds into deeper sobs, her body shaking with the force of her anguish. I grab her and wrap my arms around her, holding her close as she cries.
I know how cathartic a good cry is, and I can only hope that it’s having the same effect on my friend. Her cries slowly subside to a few sniffs. I pull away and brush a tear from her face, but she won’t meet my eyes.
“I’m sorry. It’s just…after watching what happened today with those men and how death can affect the people around them, I wonder what my parents are going through. Do they miss me? I know I miss them so much, and all I want to do is talk to them and tell them I’m okay, or check in to see how they’re doing, and I don’t know what I’m doing with myself. I just feel like you have so much going on with your own little love triangle, and sometimes I wonder if I should move on. But then something like today happens, and I thought you were going to die in the shower, and I can’t stand the thought of leaving you and you being gone for all eternity.”She peers at me out of the corner of her eye, watching how her concerns land.
It’s hard to comfort your friend when you’re part of the problem causing her pain.
I don’t tell her that her leaving would be the worst thing for me. That’s selfish, and I know it, but I don’t want her to ever leave. But more importantly, I want her happy, and that is the only thing that matters.
“Whatever you decide to do, I will support. If moving on will make you happy, then you need to do it. You can’t factor me into your decision. But do know that I will miss you deeply if you do decide to move on. You don’t need to worry about me—today was a fluke. I’m perfectly fine now.” And that’s all we get to say about it, because Zara joins us on the beach.
Zara seems to have flourished, surrounded by all the pampering, and I wonder for a moment if that’s her way of hiding her sadness. I don’t know her history, her life story, if she had siblings or someone at home. I vaguely remember her talking about her grandpabby during her memorial toast before her glass exploded in her hand.
“What are we talking about?” she asks, dropping into a beach chair with a drink in her hand. I’m ready to cover for Cat if she doesn't want to fess up about crying or being sad, but my friend lays all her cards on the table.
“Home,” she answers softly.
“I miss the rain. The weather is always so perfect here,” I say, thinking of storms and the way the earth would rattle when thunder sounded directly overhead. I remember nights sitting on a porch, watching lightning flood the sky and rain pour until the sound carried me off to sleep.
“I miss TV,” Zara says with a sigh, and we laugh, thinking of how we used to binge TV shows and not move from our couch. “Do you think we can get it here? I’m missing myReal Housewives.”
“I’m sure Essos can do that. He seems to be very in the know with pop-culture references. I think the lack of TVs is more of an oversight than anything else,” I muse.
I add it to my list of things to ask Essos when I see him later. While I know I won’t be able to get any more out of him about our possible past, I do have other questions.
“Speaking of Essos, you seem to be awfully close with his brother and not him. Which is fine by me. Galen seems quite taken with you as well.” Zara glances sideways at me.
I look at my nails and set to trying to fix them, not sure how to answer her question. “Galen was telling me more about them as brothers. Nothing more to it,” I lie, and it comes so easy.
Cat glances between the two of us as we enter this shaky ground.
“Whatever’s between them, all I know is that I heard Essos say to Sybil that he’ll finally take back what his brother stole from him, and he seems awfully proud of it.” Zara sighs.
“How did you hear that?” I ask, concerned. I wonder what Essos could have meant by that statement.
“Try being early for breakfast one day and you might learn a thing or two. At the ball the other night, Galen mentioned that his problem with Essos goes back to some tremendous wrong. He also said that because they’re family, he wasn’t allowed to do anything about it and has had to sit on his hands.Galen is at least interesting to talk to while you’re fainting around Essos, begging for attention. Between the sea monster and the nosebleeds, Galen is very worried for you. It’s simply not fair that you’re getting the attention from both of them. If you want Galen, then let that be that.”
I try to hold on to more than one thought as they fly through my brain. Is that why Galen has never done anything about us being separated?It’s hard to tell if Zara seriously thinks that I’m leading both men on. She has no clue how important this information is. “I’ll try and keep almost dying to a minimum until the ball, but I make no promises.”I roll my eyes and add a topcoat to my nails. Her words about going off with Galen strike a chord. I’m risking going to my afterlife prematurely if I do that. There is something necessary about the ball, and I need to be patient and find out what it is.
“Please do. I’m trying to become Essos’s queen,” Zara says with a hair flip.
The thought of Zara at Essos’s side leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I clench my teeth and look away from her to avoid saying something ugly.
“Shit!” Zara exclaims and I turn to find her dropping her drink.
“What?” Cat and I both ask.
Zara is still sputtering, spitting out her drink on the sand.