I was so excited when I found out that I was pregnant, and even though I know that no matter what happens, nothing’s going to replace the child I lost, I’m ready to be a mother. I want to start my family, and I want it to be with Muffler.
I brought up the possibility once or twice with him, and he never shuts me down right out, but he doesn’t seem as excited about it as I would like him to be. If he doesn’t want to have a baby, I’m sure he’d tell me. The man is nothing but opinionated.
The hospital isn’t far from the clubhouse, so when we get there for my appointment, I ask Muffler if he wants to go back to the clubhouse and just pick me up when I’m finished.
“What? Why would I go back? You don’t want me in there with you? Do you need me to get Hoodrat?” he asks.
“No, it’s nothing like that. I just know that you guys are busy, and you’ve been burning the candle at both ends for me. Trying to stay up to date with everything that’s going on with the club and manage my stress. I’m sure it’s a lot. You need to get a break, too.” I squeeze his arm slightly and do my best not to let him know that I just can’t bear the thought of him being in the room with me and telling the doctor that he doesn’t want to talk about having more kids.
“You are my break. I don’t want to be anywhere else besides right here with you.” He kisses me and grabs my hand as we walk in the direction of the building.
Every few seconds, I look over at him just to check his expression, but so far, all he’s doing is scowling. I don’t want to argue with him, but I don’t know how to break him out of this mood. I’m hurting just as much as he is, but for some reason, he’s not letting go of this guilt or pain that he’s got, even though it was my body that it happened to.
The door to the general medicine floor opens up, and we both walk out. I’m relieved to see there’s no one in the waiting area when we arrive.
“Hello, may I help you?” the chirpy receptionist says. Muffler and I walk up to her.
“Hi, thank you. Yes, I have an appointment today,” I respond.
“Okay, let me have your insurance card and ID.”
I don’t have any of that information, but Muffler takes his wallet out and produces whatever the receptionist needs. It didn’t bother me before that I didn’t have any of my things, but now that we’re here in the hospital, it dawns on me that I still don’t have a phone or any cash.
What if I need to get some money out of the ATM?
Right now, I’m completely dependent on Muffler. I’m going to have to talk to him about it a little later.
“Okay, you’re all set. The doctor will be out for you guys shortly!” the woman says enthusiastically, and I swear I hear Muffler grumble in annoyance. He’s so pissy today, and it’s not the mood I want around me. Before I have a chance to tell him about himself, the doctor calls us in.
We all say our hellos, but before the doctor addresses me, Muffler pulls him to the side and talks to him.
“What was that about?” I question him the moment he comes back into the room.
“Nothing, just letting him know about the accident. You don’t need to keep repeating yourself.” He shrugs and goes to sit in the chair on the side of the room.
The visit itself goes quickly, and he does a full-body checkup, including taking some blood for labs. “All right, I’ve gone over your chart, and everything seems to be okay. I’m going to send off this blood and will call you if anything comes up.”
After Muffler spoke with the doctor, he hasn’t even pretended like he was paying attention. It’s like he doesn’t care about anything that’s going on in here, and it’s really throwing me off. I didn’t want to be pushing for this on my own, but I don’t know what I could have done to make him so upset.
Did he think it was my fault that we lost the baby?
Did he not want to be with me anymore?
All of these questions are unanswered, but I’m too scared to ask him. I know I’m ready to start trying for another baby, but I’m not sure about Muffler.
“Doc, I have a question about something else,” I say tentatively, I keep Muffler in my peripheral vision, but he doesn’t even look up.
“Sure.” The doctor rolls his chair closer to me and looks up into my face, giving me his undivided attention.
“I’m sure you are aware that I recently had an accident where I lost my child.” The doctor nods softly, but his face squeezes tight like he’s confused. Muffler’s head pops up.
Finally, a reaction.
“Well, I know there are things that happen with a woman’s body afterward, but I was wondering when I would be able to start trying for another baby? Do I have to wait a certain amount of time?”
“Ah, well, based on the examination we’ve had today. I don’t see any reason why you can’t start as soon as you’d like. If it makes you feel any better, I can offer you and your partner a referral for genetic testing to help ensure that the baby would be healthy. But as long as everything comes back okay with this last set of labs, I don’t see any reason you can’t start whenever you’re ready.”
Finally, some good news.