My leaving had hurt her. But not nearly as much as it hurt me. Because I’d felt like I’d left a part of me behind.
But I wasn’t in a position to be in any kind of relationship with her right now. My mind was still fucked up. My heart was a pulverized mess. Right now, I couldn’t be what she needed. I didn’t know if I ever would be. Annika deserved the world. But unless and until I was ready to give her all of me, I had to stay away.
I spent most of my days working on my sailboat, gettingMonikaready for the open sea. Well, technically, she was already ready to sail, I just hadn’t taken her out on the water yet. The boat was still docked at the same location its prior owners had docked her. I simply paid the monthly slip fee to keepMonikathere.
Heading out onto the ocean, leaving everything behind, was exactly what I needed.
But something held me back. Something more powerful than the guilt and the agony that preyed on my soul.
Love.
Damn that four-letter word.
Love did strange things to a person. Some of them brave. Others scary. Some even stupid.
Annika had asked if I would take her sailing with me someday, and honestly, I didn’t want to go without her. I wanted her with me,besideme, always.
I didn’t even know if she still wanted me or if I’d just been a temporary diversion. I would never know for sure how she felt unless I took the initiative.
But there were some things I had to do first before I embarked on this journey with her, assuming she agreed to accompany me.
So, I made a list of everything I needed to do, prioritizing from most important to least.
And three weeks after I left the Bratva, I was ready to tackle the first item on my list.
* * *
“What prompted you to seek my services, Adrik?”
I held the doctor’s stare, trying not to huff and say,isn’t it obvious? Can’t you see my fucking scars?
But Mom, despite her faults, had taught me to be kind and respectful to others. Sarcasm didn’t really work for me, anyway. So, I gave him the truth.
“I want to kiss a girl.”Without being self-conscious of my lip.“And I want her to think I’m handsome.”
The doctor blinked, but he didn’t smirk or mock me. I imagined he’d seen all types of grotesque injuries. My scars probably weren’t the worst he’d ever fixed.
A small smile pulled at his lips. “That’s a good reason.Anygirl, or aparticulargirl?”
“There’s just one.” Annika had always been “it” for me. Just her, and no one else.
The doctor’s smile widened. “Perfect. Well, I’m happy to tell you we can most definitely help you out. Since you’ve already met with my assistant and she’s gone over everything with you, I just want to confirm exactly what it is that we will be doing for you. I understand you don’t want anything drastic, that you just want the deformities fixed and the scars lessened so they aren’t so apparent. Is that correct?”
“Yes.” I didn’t want to change my natural looks. I just wanted to fix the deformities and repair the ugly scars. I had no desire to look like a movie star. I just wanted to be me.
“Your assistant said you can fix my lip and make it look normal, and that the scarring from the surgery will be minimal.” My forked upper lip was my biggest issue with my self-esteem and the thing people teased me about the most. I wanted to be able to kiss Annika theright way.
Color washed into my face. Fuck, this was embarrassing. But for Annika, it was worth it.
Another nod. “We certainly can.”
“What about my eye?” I asked. “Will it be damaged if you go behind it to remove the scarring?”
“A special eye surgeon will assist with that portion of the surgery to be sure no damage to your eye occurs. Of course, as with any surgery, there are risks. But I have every confidence that everything will be fine, and you’ll soon have a new you.”
The doctor was one of the top plastic surgeons in the country, so I had to believe he knew what he was doing.
I blew out a breath. Nodded.