“You have grown up into a wonderful young lady,” Alison said. “And the fact that I just said that makes me feel a hundred years old. And you know we are here for you. Whatever happens. No matter what. You don’t have to earn your place with us, honey. It’s secure.”
Her throat went tight.
She sniffed, a tear sliding down her cheek. “That’s exactly what I needed to hear,” she said. “Really.”
She ate more steak, until the question in her breast started to burn. But she had Alison here and now, and they had honesty, so she might as well ask.
“I have a question,” Violet said, her lips suddenly feeling cold. “I don’t know... I don’t know what to do. Because he told me something about his past. And I don’t know... I don’t know what I feel about it.”
“What?” Alison asked, looking concerned.
“It’s nothing bad. I mean itisbad. He didn’t do anything bad. It’s... He was in love. He was in love with a girl. And she died. And it’s something that he’s never gotten over. He told me that... I mean... This is awkward. Because... You know. But he told me up front. When I met him. When I decided to... To be with him. Physically.”
“Violet,” Alison said. “I understand that it’s awkward, but I did in fact hook up with your dad on a bakery table. I’m not actually a prude.”
“Okay,” Violet said, lifting her hands for a second, realizing she was literally about to cover her ears. “All right. I won’t be prudish about it, then. But I thought...that I could have a fling with him. And I thought that it would be fun. And he told me that that’s all it was. He told me that was all he did. And I... I said that was fine. I told myself it was fine. And then when he left I begged him to stay. I actually begged. And I was devastated. And then I found out I was pregnant, and then he came to get me because he found out I was pregnant and...”
“What are you saying, Violet?”
She closed her eyes, and the air in her lungs suddenly felt too big to occupy the same space as her battered, bruised heart. “He has warned me at every stage that he isn’t going to fall in love with me. He’s ready to do the right thing. And he treats me really well. It isn’t that. But there’s a part of him that is not available to me. And it’s incredibly obvious. I know why now. But I don’t know what I should do about it. I don’t even know what I want to do about it.”
“Hearts don’t stay closed forever,” Alison said. “Believe me. If they did, I wouldn’t be married to your dad.”
Violet let out a harsh breath. “He was pretty messed up after Mom left.”
“It wasn’t him. It was me.” She cleared her throat. “You know my first marriage was bad. My ex-husband hit me. Abused me. Made me feel small. Like I’d never be able to stand on my own. And then I found out that I could. And my independence... After I got it back it was the most important thing to me. I didn’t want to fall in love. I didn’t want to get married. I didn’t want that life. I convinced myself that the part of me that could love was broken. I wanted it to be. I wanted it to be broken because it meant that I would be protected. From ever... Ever going through what I did with my ex. And your dad... He was so wonderful with me. He was patient. And I wascruelto him.”
Violet couldn’t imagine Alison being cruel. “You probably weren’t...”
“Oh, no, I was. I was that wounded animal backed into a corner, fighting to protect myself. And he loved me first, Violet. At least, he said the words first. He admitted it first. He went to bat for me, and if he hadn’t, I don’t know that I would be sitting here. So what I can tell you is this, hearts can heal. Especially when there’s a reason for them to. Especially when someone is there, ready to be everything you need. When you’re ready to admit what it is you want.”
“So... I’m just really afraid. And I realize that I knew that you and Dad would never disown me or anything. But I use that fear to keep myself safe. Because it was easier than putting myself out there. And now... I feel like...”
“You love him?”
She felt like her heart had been grabbed, squeezed. “I have from the beginning, I think.”
“And you’re afraid of getting hurt.”
“He warned me,” she said. “I mean, he really warned me.”
“I know,” Alison said. “I can’t guarantee you aren’t going to get hurt, Violet. But that’s what happens when you start playing with big emotions. That’s what happens when you grow up. And this is a lot. This isn’t just getting to know each other. It’s not just getting to take it slow. You jumped into the deep end.”
She laughed, but she didn’t find it funny. “I did things backward.”
“You’re human. You met a man who made you feel things that no one else ever had, and you jumped in without realizing what the consequences of it would be. And actually, even though your dad didn’t get me pregnant, and even though I wasn’t twenty-two, and even though he wasn’t my first boyfriend, it’s not any different. I met him, and I didn’t realize what it would mean for me. I didn’t realize where it would lead. You always feel like you’re in over your head when you’re falling in love.”
“Clara told me that it’s messy. And there’s nothing you can do about it. I feel like I was sold a bill of goods.” She tried to laugh. “Aren’t modern relationships supposed to be simple and enlightened and...and happy?”
“Sure,” Alison said. “They can be. But big emotions are messy. And broken people don’t give in easily.”
She tried to laugh. “Yeah. I sure can pick them.”
“Honey, we areallbroken people.” Violet felt exposed. Like Alison had shone a light on the jagged pieces in her she tried to hide. “That doesn’t mean we can’t love or be loved. Fight for it. Fight for love as hard as he fights to stay safe. One of you will have to win.”
“What if it’s him?”
“I would like for you to be with someone who can give you everything that you want. But the question is, do you want some pat version of love you’ve been told is out there? Or do you want him? His love. If so, you might have to be willing to wade through the mud to get there. You might have to be willing to get dirty, to get your knuckles bloody, fighting for the man you want, the love you want, the life you want. And figuring out how best to love him, even if it’s not exactly on your terms. Relationships aren’t a one-way street. It can’t just be about your fantasy. You have to find out what he wants, what he needs, and be willing to meet him there, too.”