And he realized that she did want a deeper answer than that. That she wanted more. She was looking at him with irritated expectancy.
“That’s it,” he said.
“You know, it just always felt like you left because of what I did.”
“Oh, hell, Jessie. I did not uproot my entire life because you tried to kiss me.”
Her cheeks turned scarlet, and she scrambled up the ladder ahead of him. He followed behind, more slowly. And he realized it was a mistake. Because for all the attic was dim, inhospitable and possibly filled with mice, it was also a small enclosed space. And the memory of the softness of Jessie’s skin, and the tightness of her body, made the idea of mice just not such a big deal.
“I just felt... It felt like a pretty full-body rejection,” she said.
“Well, it was,” he said. “Because Levi means the world to me. And you know what he would think if...”
“I know. I guess I just thought that... I thought that we were something. Even if it wasn’t romantic. But you just left and you didn’t talk to me again.”
And there was something unspoken in the way her eyes shone in the darkness of the room.
It was like death. He knew it well. That wall of silence where a person had once been.
“Right. But I’m still here,” he said.
“But you weren’t. Not for me. And what you saw last night... That was me trying to move on. That was me trying... I was trying. I was trying this. I was trying to be better. To be easier. I was trying to put all that behind me. To lose my virginity. But it wasn’t with a stranger. It was with you. And you know how relieved I was, when I walked into that room? I saw a man standing up against the wall, and I wanted him. And I just thought...” Suddenly, her whole face went red again.
“You just thought what, kiddo?”
“I just thought that maybe you didn’t own my desire. I thought that maybe I could just want another man, and the reason I wanted you so much for so long was that you were there. You were around. That was it. But no. You, Damien Prince, were it. You were him. So now I’m back to square one. Well, I’m probably on square two. But it is still way closer to the beginning than I wanted to be. I wanted to vanquish my demons. But all I managed to vanquish was my hymen.”
He winced. “Sorry about that,” he said.
“Yeah. Yeah. I’m not. I knew what I was doing.”
“Did you? Because it seems like here we are in the middle of a whole lot of unintended consequences. And I didn’t get the feeling that was the idea of this whole thing.”
“Well. Maybe not. Maybe not... But I...”
And suddenly, she was far too close to him. Smelling like lavender he suspected came from laundry detergent, and her skin, which he had never taken note of the smell of before, but now that it had been under his hands, under his mouth, he had opinions about it. And it was just there. So apparent.
“Let’s look for the decorations,” she mumbled, moving past him and rummaging around.
He saw two boxes. One labeledMemories. Another labeledTrauma. And there were sharp-toothed monsters drawn on it.
“Who’s responsible for that?” he asked.
“I think it was Camilla,” she said. “But I would not be surprised if Dylan had some involvement in that, too.”
“And what’s in it?”
“Like life insurance stuff? Medical records. Just all the shit that we kept because it was necessary to document certain things. But all related to the losses. So...”
“Got it.”
“Like you said. If you can’t laugh about it...”
“What’s in the memories?”
“Family photos. Some other things. I don’t look at them very often.”
“Right.”