“I know you do.”
Hadley had been there every step of the way. When I found out that Jackie was pregnant. When Birdie and Sage were born. She’d babysat so many times I’d lost track. And she’d been at the hospital every day after the accident. After me, Hadley was the greatest constant in the girls’ lives.
“I’m sorry I was a prick again,” I whispered.
“Maybe, instead of apologizing, try not to pull that shit. I already get it from Hayes and my parents. I don’t need it from you, too.”
“Easier said than done.”
Hadley looked up at me, the wind whipping her hair around her face. “Why?”
“Because I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”
5
Hadley
Because I don’t knowwhat I’d do if I lost you.
Calder’s words had replayed themselves over and over in my mind all week. I knew the accident had marked him. That things had been different after that day. But seeing thewhyso clearly now changed things. It didn’t make it hurt any less, but I understood.
I stared at the fire station in the morning light, willing myself to get out of my SUV and walk inside. Things had been different between Calder and me since that day at the park. As if we were both treading a bit more carefully around each other.
It felt good to know that he cared. That he didn’t want to keep hurting me the way he had been. But I hated it at the same time. I missed the ease we used to have with each other, the total comfort and peace.
Maybe that would come again someday, but I wasn’t sure. Not when neither of us was willing to bend our positions. I couldn’t give up the air I got from riding or climbing, and Calder couldn’t magically erase the trauma that made him hate it. My only hope was to be a little better at hiding that from him.
The thought made my stomach sour. It was denying who I was to the one person who truly accepted me.
My phone buzzed in my cupholder, and I picked it up, sliding my thumb across the bottom of the screen.
Hayes:You’re coming to dinner, right?
I scowled at the phone.
Me:Tell Mom I already told her I would be there.
My phone started ringing. I sighed but hit accept. I didn’t say anything, simply waited for Hayes to speak.
“I know it’s not your favorite thing, but it’s important for her to have all of us there.”
Easy for Hayes to say. He was the golden boy. Sheriff for the county and always Mom’s favorite. Probably because he went along with whatever she wanted. “It’s simple for you,” I pointed out.
I could hear a screen door bang closed as Hayes stepped out onto his front porch. “I’m sorry things are tough between you two right now. I’ll try to run interference as much as I can.”
“Thanks, Bubby.”
I could practically see Hayes scowling at the use of my childhood nickname for him. “Just try to be on time, would you?”
“I’m working the morning shift. I’ll be on time. I gotta go, or I’ll be late.”
“Love you, Hads.”
“You, too.”
Lack of love was never the problem. It was that my family seemed to want me to be someone I wasn’t. And that only made me want to run away from them all.
I grabbed my bag and hopped out of my SUV. It was wrong, but I hoped we were busy today. My skin itched as if it were too tight for my body, and I needed to move. I was desperate enough that I might even volunteer to clean up after Mac.