“She needs to feel free, even if she’s not, and she needs to do it on her own, even if it’s painful. She couldn’t have the baby on her own. So”—I went to the lock on her stall and wiggled it as I said the words I knew weren’t about the horse anymore—“let her do this on her own.”
He nodded and went to get the keys for the lock at the opposite side of the barn.
I whispered to her as I pet her soft mane. “It gets better. And worse. And I think you can live with it like maybe I’m living with it. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, except we’ll have more scars, right? And that’s not such a bad thing.”
Dante came up behind me and let me do the honors of unlocking the stall door. Then he placed a halter on her.
Together, we led her to the back of the barn where large sliding doors opened into a fenced-in pasture. As he removed the halter once more, I swear she stood taller, held her head higher, and her trot had more bounce.
I smiled when she didn’t even hesitate to take off galloping into the open field, the wind flying through her mane as she shook it.
With her went some of my pain, some of the failure, and some of the guilt. Other mommas went through what I had and made it out the other side, maybe broken, but probably wise enough to know themselves better. Our freedom may have been fractured, tainted by our pain and our growth, but we still had it. I could have it too. “We’ve all got to be okay in some way, right?”
“Of course,” his low voice rumbled from behind me. “Let’s give her all the time she wants.”
I followed him inside, and we let the breeze blow through the doors as we went back to her stall.
Dante straightened it up without saying much. He hung her halter on a large hook right outside the stall, then turned to stare at me in the middle of it. “You looked at that horse like you believed she could overcome it.”
I nodded, frozen in place by his penetrating stare.
“You think you can’t, though?”
“I thought that at first.”
“And now?” He didn’t move toward me, but I saw him ready to close in. He didn’t have to circle me or take a step in my direction for me to know that he was about to pounce, that he was about to be the wolf to my lamb and that I would crumble beneath him.
“Now I know I did overcome it.” I shrugged. “I’m just not sure I want to risk going through it again.”
He growled and cracked his knuckles. “You’re not sure you want to risk itwith me?”
I glanced at the halter. What a representation of both freedom and prison. “I can’t imagine losing you and living through it. I felt the pain of seeing you with Izzy—”
“That wasn’t anything and you know it.”
“You let her kiss you.” I was still furious that he’d allowed anyone near his lips. “And I know you didn’t want it, but the fury that licked through me probably made me pass out. To think what would happen to me if you actually wanted someone else—”
“Never going to happen, Lamb.” He paced toward me on a mission.
“It could, considering I’ve decided to move on.”
“You do have to move on,” he concluded. But him agreeing with me almost brought me to my knees.
I gasped as he said it, sure I’d heard him wrong. “Right.” I pushed my wavy hair back and tried not to give in to my heart breaking in front of him. This would have to happen anyway. It was good he was on board. Even if it hurt like hell. “Well, I think the best way to do it is to remain friends for the family and try to forget all that’s happened between us. I’m happy we had what we did—”
“You’ll be even happier when you figure out that we’re going to have more than we ever did before.” He took a step forward, and I narrowed my eyes. “Together. Not apart, Lamb.” He narrowed his eyes back at me. “Why can’t you see we’re better together?”
“You kissed my sister, Dante,” I tried to explain, “and I almost died. That’s an indicator we won’t work. Also, my brothers—”
“You think I’m afraid of your brothers?”
“Dom is going to be livid.”
“He’s already livid. He’ll just have to punch me a few more times.”
“I have a disorder. I can't be happy half the time.”
“Sure, but everyone has a disorder if you dig hard enough, and I’m willing to find your way back to happiness every time.”