I climb quietly out of bed, heading through to the bathroom to take a piss. I think to myself as I turn the shower on a minute later. Why did I do those things? Why not just fuck her? I’ve never wanted to wait before. I’m not a man who has to wait for anything he wants. I click my fingers and I get it.
Why sleep with her at all? Why not sleep on the floor or in the car or stay up all night by the window like the Terminator?
I know the answer but I don’t want to think about it. Thinking about it means accepting the truth of it and I’m not going to do that.
I will not get attached to her. Any sense of emotional bond between us is fake. It’s only there because of everything that’s happened in the past. It’s lust clouding my judgment right now. It’s my need to take advantage of her submissive nature.
It’s because she’s untouched by all the filth in the world. It’s because she makes me see another world, a different one from mine. A world not soaked in blood.
No, it’s just her body. Hot as I hoped it would be. It’s not a real emotion. It’s just desire, that’s all.
It’s anything but real. It can’t be real. I won’t ever let it be real. I can’t, can I?
Another question pops into my head as I climb into the shower. “What’s the plan then?”
I work it out as I let the water run through my hair. Leave her at Imelda’s place. Make sure Imelda and Sarah are safe and the guns are loaded. Get to the city before Umberto has time to prepare for my arrival. Take him out.
And if I manage all that? What then?
There’s a little part of me that thinks I could keep her. Is that possible?
It’s insane. She’s from a different world. She’d never cope in mine.
The voice in the back of my mind whispers to me as the bathroom door opens. What if you join her in her world instead?
“Oh, sorry,” she says, blinking blearily. “I didn’t know you were in here.”
She starts retreating as I look out at her through the frosted glass. Her naked body somehow looks more beautiful blurred like this. Maybe it’s because I can’t quite see it the way I want to.
“Come in,” I tell her.
“I shouldn’t.”
“I’m giving you an order. Come in here and shut the door.”
She walks in, closing the door behind her, leaning back against it like she thinks I might pounce on her.
“Don’t lie to me,” I say. “I don’t like being lied to.”
“How have I lied to you?” She grabs the one towel and wraps it around her body. It’s as if she thinks that might stop me if I want to claim her. Nothing will stop me when I’m good and ready.
“You woke up and I was not beside you. You heard the shower running. Yet you claim that you had no idea I was in here. You expect me to believe that?”
“Believe what you like. Isn’t that what you said to me?”
I don’t like hearing my own line coming back to bite me. “You knew I was in here and you came in to see me naked, didn’t you?”
“No, I was tired and I wasn’t thinking and I’m not used to there being naked men in bathrooms when I normally go to use them, all right?”
“I will not accept these lies.”
“I’m not lying.”
“You came in to pee?” I ask. “That correct?”
“Yeah, I guess so but don’t worry, I can wait until you’re done.”
“Get it over with and then come here. I think it’s time I tanned that peachy little ass of yours for the cussing and the lying and for not listening to my instructions.”