“Fine.” She sighed as she situated herself in her chair. “Just make sure you’re there for Drew like he was for you. Poor Drew.” Her brittle voice trailed as she shook her head.
Her words hurt me. Without blatantly saying it, she believed I’d get caught up in myself instead of taking care of Drew. I understood why she’d assume the worst of me after I’d spent a year healing from the trauma I’d endured. I couldn’t leave the house alone, much less work. I’d shut myself off from the world.
Nana didn’t understand that not everyone handled the aftermath of a violent attack in the same way. Some persevered and rose above it. Others floundered, taking two steps forward then three backward, but eventually, they managed their lives.
Me? I had internally died.
My mind had tried to tear me down. Nightmares had made me a sleepless zombie.
All I’d wanted to do was die.
Die so I didn’t rememberhim.
Die so I could finally have peace.
But Drew wouldn’t let me die.
He had validated my feelings, praised my small accomplishments, and got me back on track to living again. That wonderful man had never given up on me, and I would never in a million years give up on him.
“Yes, I will,” I told Nana in a snippy voice as I turned to leave.
“Just remember what it felt like to be abandoned by your mother, Ava. Don’t do the same to Drew. Don’t kick him when he’s down.”
“How dare you compare me to her! I’m nothing like her.” The dam broke, and my tears fell. “Why are you so hateful? If you don’t want me around, then I’ll leave!”
“And where would you go? How would you provide for yourself?” She waved me off. “Leave me alone.”
I gasped and pressed my hand to my chest, taken aback. She’d never come out and called me a burden, but I sure felt like one now.
I rushed to my bedroom so that crabby old woman didn’t see me cry. Tearing off my clothes in the bathroom, I kept my lips sealed. It wasn’t enough. My whimpers grew louder and louder as I turned Nana’s words in my head.
How had I not known how she felt about me? Was she merely tolerating me, pitying me?
I stepped under the showerhead. Hot water sprayed me in the face as I let the wracking sobs I’d been holding in pour out.
“I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough. God, do you hear me?” I wailed into my hands. “I can’t be in this ugly world without him. I need my Drew. I need him more than I ever realized.”
My body started to violently shake. I tried to slow my breathing, taking air into my lungs slowly, as Drew had directed me many times. Hyperventilating in the shower would be bad.
Get control of yourself, Ava. Drew needs you.
I’m trying.
Slowly, I lowered myself onto the tile floor and shut my eyes in anguish. I would never abandon Drew or anyone I loved. I wasn’t my mother. I was a kind, loving person.
I’m not my mother.
But I didn’t believe for a second I could survive another attack on my soul.
“Please,” I whispered. “I can’t live without him. I can’t. Please, God, please give Drew his memories back. I beg you, bring him back to me.”
17
Ire
My head hurt so damn much I couldn’t stand for long. Patch removed the tube from my dick when I proved I could piss on my own. I’d been to urgent care and the emergency room plenty of times. Not once had I had something stuck in my pecker. Couldn’t say I liked it much.
Other than getting up to pee and brush my teeth, I hadn’t managed anything else. I was fully aware of how lucky I was to not be dead and to have these people helping. They all seemed to really care about me. My parents hadn’t shown me as much attention as the folks in this place.