“I just want you to be happy,” I said. “And I want our baby to be happy. And I will do everything in my power to make both those things happen. Okay. That’s—that’s all I wanted to say. Call me back. Bye.”
I hung up and then tossed my phone to the side. I let my head rest on the couch cushion, and fell asleep very soon afterwards.
ChapterNineteen
STEPHANIE
Ilistened to Matt’s message three times, and then I deleted it.
At least, Ihalfdeleted it. I knew that deleted messages were kept in a separate folder for up to thirty days so long as you didn’t ‘permanently’ delete them, which was something I couldn’t bring myself to do. Still, I did hit the initial delete button, to feel some semblance of control.
Not that it really mattered. I’d heard everything he had to say, and I had paid such close attention each time I listened, that I probably had a good portion of the speech memorized. He sounded sincere, but he also sounded drunk, so I wasn’t going to let myself get too wrapped up in what he said. I hoped that he meant it, especially the part when he said he cared for me, but I was done being the naive, doe-eyed nanny. I was going to be a mom in t-minus seven months, and that meant I had to start protecting myself better. And protecting this baby. That’s all that really mattered now, and that meant my feelings for Matt, whatever they may be, had to be put on a shelf.
If he could prove to me that he was ready to be a dad again, then I would let him be a part of this baby’s life. Absolutely. I had no intention of taking the child away from him. That being said, I wasn’t going to raise my baby as a single mom in a city that was still new to me. I wanted to be back in Riverside, with my mom and all my extended family. I knew for a fact that my mom was only able to raise me on her own because she had a strong community of people helping her, but besides Lily, I didn’t have any friends who lived in San Francisco. Lily had her own baby to take care of anyway, so it would be unfair for me to lean on her too much. Plus Matt had the money to come back and forth from San Francisco to Riverside whenever he wanted.
This, along with many other things, were what my mom and I discussed that Monday morning after I left Matt’s house. I told her I was pregnant, and she was thrilled. She didn’t even care who the father was or how I ended up in this predicament. When I said the words, she laughed and cried, and told me that she was so happy.
“This is wonderful news,” she said. “You’ve always wanted to be a mom, I’ve always wanted to be a grandmother, and a child is always a blessing. I’m so excited, and you know sweetheart, I am going to be there with you every step of the way.”
“I know,” I said. “Thanks Mom.”
I went on to tell her more about Matt and what occurred between us, obviously taking out the more salacious details. Soon, we were making plans for my return to Riverside, and then she went on to give me notes on the latest chapter of my book I sent her.
“Like I’m going to have any time to write once the baby comes,” I said.
“All the more reason to get this thing done now!” she said. “That’s a good goal to motivate you. You want to get it done before the baby comes? You can do that! You have seven months! That’s plenty of time.”
“You think?”
“Yes,” she said. “Because I am not going to let you give up on your dream. You can have both, honey. You can have it all.”
“Yeah,” I said, trying not to cry. “Maybe.”
I can have it all except the man I love…
“I hate being so far away from you while you’re dealing with all of this,” my mother said. “I think I should come out there and be with you.”
I sucked in a sharp breath, not sure how to respond. On the one hand, I didn’t want my mom to have to drive all the way from Riverside alone, take off work, and generally just upset her life when I was planning on coming home in the next week or two. But on the other hand, Ireallywanted to see her.
“I don’t know,” I ended up saying. “I don’t want to over complicate things, and I am going to be down in Riverside soon enough.”
“But I don’t want you to have to make that drive all by yourself,” she said. “What if I took a rental car up and then helped you pack everything, and the two of us could make the journey back home together. How does that sound?”
It sounded like exactly what I needed. So that’s what I told her. Sometimes, a girl just needs her mom, even if that girl is a full-grown adult. My mom seemed happy that I told her I wanted her to come, so that assuaged some of the guilt I felt for having her do me such a massive favor. She said she was getting off the phone right then in order to start comparing rental prices and that she would try to be on the road first thing the following morning.
“I can’t wait to see you,” she said.
“Me too, Mom. I’ve missed you so much.”
* * *
My mom hugged me for nearly a full minute when I met her in the lobby of the hotel. When I tried to pull away the first time, she clung to me a little tighter, so I let my chin rest on her shoulder and relaxed into her embrace. People might’ve been staring, but I didn’t care. I was just glad that she was there, and that I had her in my corner while I went about figuring all this pregnancy stuff out. Finally, when we broke away from each other, she smiled at me and pushed some of my hair out of my face.
“You look so beautiful,” she said. “You’re already glowing.”
“I doubt that,” I said. “I didn’t sleep at all the last two nights, and I’ve been throwing up all morning today so I probably look like a total mess. But thanks for saying so anyway.” I took her small overnight bag in my hand and headed towards the elevators. “You probably want to rest after a long drive.”
“I need to pee, that’s for sure,” she said with a laugh. “And yes, I would like to sit down and get a glass of water, but then I think you and I should start making a game plan. When do you want to go over to Matt’s and get the rest of your stuff? Or do you want me to go and get it instead? Lily could probably help me, if she’s not too busy with the baby.”