Thankfully, my food got there quickly. I ate and drank in the kitchen, while listening to music through my house’s Bluetooth speakers. I put some old rock music that David and I used to listen to on our drives to school in the morning, and that did make me feel a little better. The tequila helped as well. Once I was good and drunk, I ended up calling David, who I hadn’t spoken to since I went to go see him and his baby a couple weeks back. He picked up right away.
“Before you even ask,” David said. “Lily has sworn me to secrecy, so I can’t tell you what hotel Stephanie is staying at.”
“I wasn’t going to ask that,” I said.
“Really?”
I laughed, but only a little. “Okay, maybe I was going to ask that. But how about I ask you a different question instead. Do you think I’m a bad guy?”
“You’re my brother.”
“You didn’t answer the question.”
“No, Matt, I don’t think you’re a bad guy.” He sighed. “I just think you made a mistake. Or, maybe a few mistakes. But you know, it happens to the best of us. Not everyone can do what’s right 100% of the time.”
“Everyone is so mad at me. Stephanie, Will, Lily. They all hate me, and I don’t blame them.”
“Nobody hates you.”
“What kind of guy does what I did?”
“You were caught off guard,” David said. “Trust me, I know what that feels like. Lily and I went through our own fair share of drama before we got together for real and had the baby. But in the end, it was all worth it. I know it might not feel like it right now, but I promise you, everything is going to be okay. Stephanie will forgive you eventually.”
“Not if she never gives me the chance to apologize. You sure you can’t tell me what hotel she’s at?”
“What would you even say to her tonight?” he asked.
I took a long sip from my margarita and then got up to go into the living room to get comfortable on the couch. “I don’t know.”
“That’s your problem right there. Actually, that’s two of your problems. One, you don’t know what you would say to her, and two, I can tell you’re drunk. You really shouldn’t call her right now if you’re drunk and unsure of yourself. You will end up saying something you’ll regret. You could make everything worse, which I know is the exact opposite of what you want.”
“But I have to tell her I’m sorry. Otherwise, she’s going to take this kid away from me.”
“She’s not going to take the child away from you,” David tried to assure me.
“Yeah, well, maybe she should. I’m clearly not a good dad, and I would make an even worse partner.”
“Matt, what the hell are you talking about? You’re a great dad.”
I scoffed. “Except when I’m not.”
“Every parent messes up. I’ve only been a dad for a couple weeks and I feel like I’m messing up all the time! The important thing is that you’ve always been there for Will, just like I know you are always going to be there for your new kid. Stephanie knows you’re a good dad, and she’s going to want you to be a part of this child’s life, I promise you. There’s no way she will cut you out; you just have to give her some time to deal with her anger.”
“Yeah… I guess.”
“Listen, I know you mean well, but I’m serious, don’t call her tonight.”
“Alright,” I said, finishing off the rest of my drink. “I won’t call her.”
We hung up a few minutes later, and the first thing I did was try Stephanie’s cell. She didn’t pick up, just like she hadn’t for all the other calls I’d placed to her that day. This time, however, I decided to leave her a message.
“Stephanie,” I said after the beep. “I know you don’t want to hear from me. I get that. I wouldn’t want to hear from me either if I was in your shoes. But I had to call and tell you something, because if I wait any longer, I’m worried I won’t bring myself to say it. I’m sorry I hurt you. It seems like this is becoming a pattern, me letting you down, but I’m officially breaking it. It’s ending now. You’re having my baby, and that’s not something I take lightly. I am going to be there for you in any way you need, and I am going to help you raise this baby no matter what happens between the two of us. If you want to be friends, great, I will make that happen. If you want to only see me when you pick up and drop off our baby, that works too.”
I sighed. This was harder for me to say than I thought it was going to be. It wasn’t that I was lying, per se, it was just that there was so much more I wanted to tell her but I didn’t think now was the right time. I wanted her to know that I cared for her deeply, and that I might even love her, but that I was terrified of those feelings andthat’swhy I freaked out when she told me she was pregnant. I wanted to tell her that I had never met anyone like her before and that she made me want to be the kind of guy who could get married and settle down with someone.
I wanted to tell her just how amazing I thought she was, and that I knew I would never get a chance to be with someone like her again.
And yet, I couldn’t.