It’s not quite the same as my situation, but I’ll run with it.“Did you feel guilty?”
She laughs.“Not in the slightest.I told Trent about it and then came home to him decked out like Thor.”She winks, and it’s clear Trent made her dream literally come true.
Yeah, her situation isn’t like mine at all.
Tamsin chimes in, “I only ever had nightmares before Miles.”
Becka and I both look over at her, but she’s studying the shirt in her hand and avoiding eye contact.During one of our girls’ nights, she told us about her first sexual experience and how Miles helped her heal after that trauma.I can’t imagine what she went through.
Robbie and I were awkward and fumbling around, laughing and shaking with nerves the whole time, but it was sweet and he was careful with me.
Saving Tamsin from having to go any further down that road, Becka asks, “Who’d you have a sex dream about, Jo?”
“I didn’t,” I say too quickly.
She arches a brow and puts her hand on her hip, tapping her foot multiple times and staring at me until I finally crack.
Covering my face, I mumble, “Someone I shouldn’t have.And I feel horribly guilty about it.It’s so disloyal to Robbie.”
When I drop my hands, I’m expecting them to both look at me with sympathy, but instead they look confused.
“How is it disloyal to Robbie?”Becka asks.
“Because he should be the only man I’m thinking about.It’s only been a year!”
Becka takes a step closer to me.“Jo, there’s no defined amount of time to go through grief.People experience it at their own pace.Some people take years to move on from losing a spouse, and some are able to put themselves out there after several months.That doesn’t mean they’re being disloyal to their spouse.They’re processing their grief in their own way, and their circumstances are what they are.You said yourself Robbie wrote in his letter how he wanted you to move on and fall in love again.So how would it be disloyal to do as he asked?”
I open my mouth and then close it because I don’t know what to say.I just know how I feel.
“It wasn’t a fictional character, was it?”Tamsin asks knowingly.
I can’t answer her.I’m afraid if I confirm what she suspects, she’ll figure out who it actually was.It’s not like I’m hanging out with a lot of men these days.
Just the one.
But I don’t have to say anything.Her expression shifts, her eyes widening slightly before she nods like she’s figured it out.Becka’s gaze volleys between the two of us before it lands on me and also widens in surprise.
“Oh,” she says, the word weighted.“Tristan?”she whispers like she’s afraid she’ll conjure him if she says his name any louder.
I close my eyes, mortified, and nod.
“Wow, I really should’ve seen that one coming,” Becka says.
I pop my eyes open.“What?”
She nibbles her lip and has a look in her eye I can’t quite describe.“It makes sense, you know, since you two have been spending so much time together.Do you…” She nibbles her lip again like she’s afraid to finish her question, or afraid of my response.“Do you like him?”
“Of course I like him.He’s become my best friend.I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through this year without him, but that doesn’t make it okay to have a sex dream about him!”
I’m about to ask why Becka looks so worried when Tamsin asks, “Why not?”
“What do you mean why not?”
“You’re single now, Jo.He’s single.Miles said Tristan hasn’t been with a woman in over a year.”
That’s news to me, and I ignore the small part that’s happy he hasn’t been with anyone else.It would feel like he was keeping secrets from me if he’d been hooking up with women this whole time—not that it’s really any of my business.But I’ve had enough of secrets.
“All I’m saying is there’s nothing wrong with having a sex dream about him, or about anyone for that matter.I think Robbie would be happy you’re trying to move forward with your life,” Tamsin says.
But I’m not trying.I’m terrified to move on.Maybe that’s why my dream about Tristan scares me so much—because I can still feel the way his lips grazed my skin and the weight of his body over me as if it was the real thing, and I’m terrified of having feelings for a man who could never love me the way Robbie did.
The truth is Tristan’s not a commitment kind of guy.He’s never been devoted to anyone, and I can’t risk my heart on someone like that after everything it’s already been through.
I can’t.