As soon as she’d sunk down on me, I’d been whacked by the thought of postponing my trip so we could spend some more time together. Some people might be able to have casual sexual relationships, but Serenity and I never would. Not with each other anyway.
It had never been like that between the two of us, even back when we were just making out at parties from time to time before we really got together. We were all-consuming once we started. Hot, heavy, and getting so wrapped up in each other that we forgot the outside world even existed.
What happened earlier had been a perfect example of that. We’d gone into that room just to talk and catch up, and less than an hour later, we’d fucked in Tanner’s house, during a party where I was supposed to be the guest of honor, without even stopping long enough to lock the door.
Things had always been that way between us until they hadn’t been—so intense that I ate, slept, and breathed Serenity. I wouldn’t call off or postpone my trip, but the fact that I wanted to said a lot. As did the fact that I didn’t want to let her go again.
I hadn’t been in another serious relationship since her. Casual sex worked just fine for me with everyone but her, it seemed. I’d been so busy these last few years since we’d broken up that I hadn’t even stopped to think about it, but I wondered if perhaps it had been because of her that I’d never gotten serious with another woman again. It could even be that, somewhere so deep down inside that I hadn’t realized the place existed before, I knew that I would never find anyone else who made me feel the way she did, so it wasn’t even worth looking.
A swell of music came from the house, prompting us both to look back at it. I felt a little bad for abandoning the party, but I didn’t want to give up this chance to spend time with her. My friends would understand. They knew how things had been between us, and since Tanner and Jeremiah now had women in their lives they gave a shit about, they would understand why I’d left for a little while just for the opportunity to walk with her.
When I was with her like this, even the silence between us comfortable, it almost felt like the last six years had never happened. In fact, leaving parties just to take a walk together had kind of been a thing of ours. In high school and college, we’d often gone away from the festivities just to spend some time alone together.
Smiling when I thought about those times, I turned to her to reminisce out loud when she beat me to it. As I looked at her, I found her already glancing up into my eyes as her elbow popped out to nudge me.
“This really brings up a lot of memories, doesn’t it? God, why do we always end up outside, as far away from the party as we can get?”
“I don’t know.” I chuckled but then cut the bullshit. “Probably because we’ve always preferred each other’s company to having to mingle with strangers. There aren’t any strangers here tonight, but I’m pretty sure that’s why we used to do it. As for tonight, well, I guess it’s just because it’s been such a long time since we’ve spent any time together.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” she said, but she sounded strangely sad. Maybe she was just wistful, but I got the idea there was more going on with her than she’d said so far.
Remembering what Shawn had said and what we’d been talking about before the wheels had come off back in the house, I drew to a stop and pulled her up with me, my hand wrapped gently around her elbow.
“Okay, Ramirez,” I said. “It’s time for you to level with me. Are you really doing okay? We interrupted ourselves back there, but you were about to tell me how you actually are. Without the rose-tinted glasses this time, please. I know how you feel about putting good vibes out there into the universe, but I don’t think just being honest qualifies as bad vibes. So how are you? Really. The truth. Are you okay?”
She stared up at me for a long minute, vulnerability flashing in her eyes before she pulled her lower lip into her mouth and sighed. Finally, she shook her head and admitted what I would’ve known even without knowing what Shawn had said earlier. Just like I’d told her, she was still a shitty liar, and while it had been a long time, at her core, she still was who she always had been.
“No, I’m not okay,” she said, her voice so quiet that I barely heard her. “I’m so far from okay that I don’t even really know what okay means anymore.”
CHAPTER6
SERENITY
Before I could even think about filtering myself or holding back some of the more embarrassing information about my life, it all came tumbling out. Bart was looking at me in that way that made me feel like he already knew it all anyway, and it helped me be completely honest. I told him the whole truth, even the parts not even Shawn knew everything about.
“Writing for other people isn’t going as well as it has at times before. At the moment, I’m barely making enough to pay my bills most months and I really don’t even think I’m going to get close to making enough for them this month. A few of my regular clients have had to postpone commissioning new work, and since I was scraping by to begin with, having them cancel on me has really hurt.”
My throat felt like it was about to close as I uttered the words out loud, but I pushed through it, determined to tell him just so someone would know. “I’ve been taking songwriting jobs that I’m not passionate about just to make ends meet, and I don’t even know why I’m telling you all of this, but I just feel like I need to be completely honest for once. Like maybe it’ll give me a clean slate if I just get it all off my chest and start fresh tomorrow.”
“Go for it,” he said, opening his arms and motioning toward his chest. “I can take it. Tell me what’s been going on.”
“It’s not fair to lay all this on you, though. What you’ve been going through is more than enough already. My problems pale in comparison.”
“There is no comparison, Serenity. My dad was sick and he died. There’s nothing anyone can do about it. It sure as fuck wasn’t your fault. You’re allowed to have problems of your own just like I have mine, so I repeat, lay it on me. I can take it.”
I took a deep breath, fighting back tears as I did what he’d invited me to do. “Everybody in the industry keeps telling me how good I am, and they say that they love my stuff, but they pay a pittance for me to write songs for them, and when it comes to my own singing, they aren’t signing new artists at the moment.”
A heavy breath worked its way out of the deepest part of me as frustration sank in. “All those same people keep telling me to hold out. They keep telling me my big break will come eventually, but it’s wearing me down. You asked me earlier about giving up, and if I’m being honest, I’ve thought about doing just that every day this week.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “The only reason why I haven’t done it is because I’ve dedicated my life to it and I don’t want it all to have been for nothing. I’ve wanted to be a singer and a songwriter since I was six years old. I knew that it was a long shot to switch from marketing to music, but I knew that I’d regret it forever if I didn’t at least try. Now, I feel like an idiot for transferring into that music program. If I’d stuck to marketing, I’d have been earning enough by now to buy cheese and butter in the same fucking week.”
His brows twitched up even though I could see he was trying desperately to control his expression. “It’s that bad?”
“It’s that bad.” I chewed my lip, feeling absolutely miserable as I averted my gaze to the ground and kicked a little pebble that had been on the path. “On the day Shawn invited me to this party, I’d just gone grocery shopping and I was seriously close to just tossing in the towel. I thought that maybe getting out tonight would help, and it has, but at the same time, I just feel guilty because I could’ve been spending this time working.”
“No one can work all the time,” he said softly. “Everyone needs a break or they burn out. You know that.”
“Sure, but should I just give up then?” I asked, not waiting for him to respond. “It’s just that this is all I’ve ever wanted to do. It wasn’t a phase for me where I wanted to be a rock star. Not that I want to be a rock star, but you know what I mean. I don’t know what I am without this. Am I a girl who’s going to keep writing songs when they beg to get out of her head just to fill notebooks with them and stash them under my mattress? Am I only ever going to sing when it’s karaoke night and I’ve got time after work?”