The tears finally started leaking from my eyes when I asked him those questions because they were my worst fears. My worst nightmares would have come true if either of those things ever happened. “I just want to get my songs out there and sing them for people. I know how much they could touch other people’s lives, and that’s what I want to do. It’s not even because of the fame and fortune, although a tiny fortune would sure be nice right around now, but it really isn’t about that. The songs? It’s like I can’t keep them in. As soon as they’re there, I need them out before I can even think about just breathing properly again.”
“Then don’t give up,” he said, like that settled everything. “If it means that much to you, you can’t give up now.”
“How do I carry on, though?” I asked, wishing harder than I’d ever wished for anything that he would have the answer I’d been searching for. “How do I keep going when I couldn’t even pay my rent on time? It’s starting to feel like a fool’s errand, and yet, I know that if I was just able to produce my own album, I’d make it. It’s just too bad that doing it is so far out of my budget that it’s not even funny. I’ve been holding on. Holding out. Hoping. Wishing. Praying. But at what point does a person just have to accept that maybe this isn’t what she’s supposed to be doing with her life?”
I choked back a sob, my hands flying up to cover my face when I realized what I’d told him. “Crap. This is so embarrassing. I shouldn’t have said all of that. You’re doing so well. You followed your passion and did something you loved, and look where it got you. Meanwhile, I’m a wreck. A failure of a wreck, at that.”
“Don’t be embarrassed.” He reached for my hands and pulled them off my face. He didn’t let them go until they were back at my sides. “I got lucky, Serenity. I didn’t get this deal and sell my company for so much because I was special or super skilled. I got it because Tanner happened to meet some people who happened to enjoy pissing off some other people.”
He slid one of his hands around both of mine, linking our fingers before he used his recently freed hand to slide a finger under my chin, putting gentle pressure underneath it until I looked into his eyes again. “I met the right people at the right time even before that. Besides, tech is a lot more accessible than the music industry anywhere.”
“Look, I appreciate your kindness. Really.” I paused to pull myself together, but before I could tell him how happy I was for him and how sorry I was for ruining his celebration with my wallowing, he suddenly blurted out something I couldn’t believe I was hearing.
“I’ll give you the money.”
My eyes widened. For a split second, I was beyond tempted to accept on the spot, but then I remembered that I’d have to live with myself afterward. “I can’t. It wouldn’t be right. I’ve never taken a handout in my life and I can’t start now.”
He looked back at me for a long second, obviously thinking it over. “What if it’s not a handout?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, it won’t be a handout,” he said, correcting himself. “It really wouldn’t. I’ll pay you to come with me.”
“Come with you where?”
He paused again, then shrugged, but it was like I saw the lights going on behind his eyes. “Everywhere.”
I rocked back on my heels, one of my eyebrows cocking. I pulled my hands free. “You’re going to have to explain it to me a little better than that.”
“Okay, but don’t say no until you’ve heard me out,” he said. “Do you promise?”
“Yes.”
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his wallet and produced a small, wrinkled piece of paper. Instead of unfolding it, he just held it up, pinched between his thumb and index finger. “This right here is my dad’s bucket list. You can look it over sometime, but it’s filled with places he wanted to see and never got to go to. I intend on visiting every one of them and then some.”
“Is this some kind of grief-fueled pilgrimage?”
He mimed zipping his lips. “You promised to hear me out.”
“I promised to hear you out before I said no. I haven’t said no yet. I’m just gathering information.”
“Fair enough,” he said, smiling slightly as his gaze came back to mine. “Is it a grief-fueled pilgrimage? I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it like that. All I know is that I don’t want to die with most of my goals still sitting on a piece of paper somewhere, unmet and crumbling to dust in someone’s pocket.”
“Is this why you sold your company?”
“Yep. It was the right time, but that’s not the point. The point is that I leave next week, and the only part of the trip that I haven’t been looking forward to is going alone. But you could come. I’ll pay you what you need to make your album, and in exchange, you’ll keep me company while I cross off the items on mine and my dad’s bucket lists. It’s a win-win.”
As I stared up at him, a hundred and ten reasons to say no flickered to life in my brain. There were too many to even begin mentioning them all. I couldn’t just leave all my responsibilities behind.
Can I?
No, it would be stupid. Even if he did pay me, which really didn’t seem right, I’d still have to come back home eventually. When I did, I might have the money to produce my album, but I wouldn’t have anything else. No clients, probably no apartment, and definitely no other backup plan.
It had taken me years to build up the client base I had now, and while it wasn’t much, it was mine. Those were only the professional considerations. The personal ones were so much more compelling.
Spending time traveling with Bart wasn’t a good idea. We’d been alone in a room together for all of about half an hour, probably even less, before our clothes had gone flying. What would happen if we spent months alone, in exotic or romantic locations alike? I’d probably end up pregnant with three sets of quadruplets at the same freaking time.
Okay, so that’s physically impossible, but also, not the point.We hadn’t worked out the first time, and although it had been great insofar as breakups went, my heart had been sore for a long time. If we got involved again now, it would be so much worse if things went wrong.