'It’s too early,' a voice blares in my head.
It’s too early to give up on everything.
And it’s not because I’m playing a game. I’m not playing games with my soul.
But because it’s too early.
We are not there.
Saying it out loud bears a greater responsibility, considering the circumstances.
Saying the words will have significant consequences.
We’ll need to act on those words. And that’s why we need to be sure of what we want.
This is clearly more than sex and lust. But how much more?
Is it enough to last beyond these ten short weeks?
Or is it more like, in Francisco’s case, pleasure, lust, and emotions needing to be experienced and consumed?
Is it a story with a shelf-life and a predictable ending?
Or is it something that will mean a lot in the end?
We don’t know.
We only know little things about each other and almost nothing about us as a couple.
The simple fact that we don’t know makes us go crazy over each other. The pain inflicted on him by pulling at his hair tells him how much I need him.
He tightens his arm around me and keeps fucking me, his lips locked with mine as we share breaths like one tormented, frantic body.
My skin burns when he tops me and thrusts into me harder, our mouths no longer connected, my eyes closed, and my frame shaking under his.
My nails trail his V-shaped back and muscular butt before digging into his shoulders, leaving marks on his skin.
He slides his arm under my back, grabs a fistful of my hair, and plunges his hard flesh into me harshly.
I crack my eyes open and get a glimpse of his face. He is completely drunk, his eyes looking like a misty winter morning.
His lips glisten with sweat.
His stare is blank.
We fuck.
And yes, we are not there yet.
There are things between us.
I can feel them. Secrets things. Things we don’t know. Obstacles and walls. Things we need to learn. And things we need to live with, maybe.
Whatever they are, they are here with us.
And maybe, just maybe, having that agreement in place is much more than experiencing pleasure, testing people, gauging their reactions, and noticing their feelings.
Perhaps our agreement is a way of buying time, hiding something, and postponing. Trying to figure things out.