Chapter Twenty
Grayson accepted myinvitation for the night before New Year’s Eve, on both of their behalf’s. It felt a little silly to make an appointment to visit them, but if this was what it took to make things right. Was that an option?
God, I hoped so.
I wanted to dress up fancy. Relive that moment we never got in high school, with the blue dress to match my eyes, and the jewelry to match theirs. Once things were better.
Instead, I’d gone for casual but neat, in jeans and a flattering sweater, and then I was standing on their porch, both relieved and terrified to finally be knocking.
Grayson answered. No smile. No expression at all I could interpret.
But my heart still cracked at seeing him again.
“Come on in.” He stepped aside. That was one obstacle down. “It’s just me for now. Do you want anything to drink?”
“I’d love to be drinking heavily right now.” I laughed. He didn’t join in. Noted. I wouldn’t joke about that. Jax was here—his car was in the driveway—but I’d say this twice, or three times or a million if I had to. “I need you to know I’m sincere, though, so no thanks.”
I did sit. Perched on the edge of a chair, trying not to look like I was ready to bolt. I’d never felt more uncomfortable here.
Grayson sat too. Reclined on the couch, watching me warily. “What’s up?”
“I thought we were going to be okay.”
“No you didn’t. Too many things were said. Too much hurt was passed around.”
“I’m not done,” I said. “When I asked if we could just be friends, I’d convinced myself we could be okay. Before that, every time we hooked up, I let myself believe it wasn’t a big deal. I did know better, but it was easier to listen to the voice that wanted everything without offering anything in return.”
Grayson raised his eyebrows.
A facial expression. I’d take it. “I’m sorry.” Now that the words were flowing, they tasted better than any words had in ages. They didn’t have the same foul bitterness of everything else I’d been trying to pretend was real. “I’m sorry I couldn’t understand what you were asking from me. I’m sorry I pushed you away because I couldn’t see what could be, only what couldn’t. I want to take it all back, and I know that’s not an option. But I want to do things differently now that I know better.”
“You thought you knew what you wanted before. Why should I listen? What makes this any different?”
Harsh questions, but fair. “I can’t make you hear me out. One of the things I’ve always adored about you is that you’re forgiving. That you allow people to learn and grow and you understand changing an opinion based on new input.”
“Tell me what you want to say.” His voice wasn’t as flat as before.
Skip all the drawn-out explanations and get to the point? Where was the fun in that? I kept the sarcastic thought to myself. I crossed the room to kneel at his feet. I needed to look him in the eye for what came next, and this was the best way to ensure he would. “I want you back in my life. Both of you. I want to see where things go. I don’t want to pretend this is just fun and games andcasual.”
He met my gaze, and I swore he was trying to peer into my soul. He was welcome to see it. I’d lay myself out bare, inside and out, to make them understand.
“Don’t say any of this just to make things right.” Grayson leaned in, putting his face closer to mine. “I need you to mean what you’re saying.”
That was fair. “I mean all of it. Yes, I miss you and I thought a lot about how to change the divide between us. But I’m not going to make up something I don’t feel, especially not something like this, to put a fake bandage on the situation.”
Something rustled behind me, possibly coming from the kitchen. Was Jax listening?