Not his sister.
But one bad choice compounded another, and before I knew which way was up, I was dating Ben; handsome, older, a smooth talker. He talked me into a few too many wine coolers, toofewarticles of clothing, and bam! Bean’s on the way.
I didn’t mean for that to happen. I didn’t mean to give anything to him. I was waiting for Jimmy, but he refused to step forward and take what I was offering.
So Ben took it.
In a hotel shower.
While I was drunk and not yet twenty-one.
It was awful, and in exchange for the attention, the fancy dinners at fancy restaurants, and a stolen virginity, he gave me a baby and a hangover. Then he ghosted on me.
I took my broken heart home, was forced into taking a pee test by my best friends, and when the hammer came down and I told my brothers I was expecting, Jimmy ghosted on me, too.
Awesome.
He treats me like he always did. I’m his best friend. I’ve been shoehorned back into little sister status. He promises he’ll always be here for me, and yet, it’s not the same at all.
He’s a liar. An actor.
He thinks I don’t notice that his act is just that; bullshit. He thinks he can give me a fake smile once a day and that’ll make everything better.
He’s existing. He’s going through the motions and passing time. He’s lying. But because I allow him to do that, because I return his hugs and let him watch movies with me, that makes me an actress, too. That makes me a liar, too.
Quietly sighing, I walk down the hall and stop in the bag room as blue rubber mats squeak under Bobby and Jack’s sweaty skin. They grapple and fight for dominance. They swear and grunt more than I know they’re allowed when Kit’s around. And despite being just a teen, Jack fights the current world heavyweight champion; and that champion isn’t winning as easily as you’d expect.
Aiden stands nearby and corrects their moves verbally.Put your foot here, put your knee there. Stop saying fuck, Kit has superhuman hearing.He drops down to his hands and knees and moves in close as Jack works Bobby’s arm around until he has himalmostin an arm bar.
If it were a pro fight, Bobby would’ve already bucked him off. But it’s not, so he stays put with his arm at a painful angle, and he waits for Aiden to correct it.
“Hey, Izzy.” Like her superhuman hearing powers are real, Kit stops close beside me until her arm brushes mine and her eyes follow her husband and brother.
“Hey.” I don’t take my eyes off the guys as they grunt and slide around. “How was your day?”
It’s like I can literally hear her smile. “What’s going on, Iz?”
I frown at her intuition, but I don’t dare meet her gaze. “What do you mean?” I don’t want to have a conversation about my shitty life right now. I absolutely don’t want to talk about it here. And most of all, I definitely don’t want to talk about it in the same geographical ten-mile radius as Jimmy.
He can’t be involved in my decision to move, because he’s half the reason I’m going. He spends half his time at Kit and Bobby’s house. He drops in like it’s a second home – which is fine. He can visit his brother and I’ll never stop him – but I can’t deal with it anymore. It hurts every single time I see him.
I can’t have him. I don’t want to feel the shame anymore.
As my single remaining method of self-preservation, I’ll move. I need space to myself, and he can continue to visit his brother. There’s no reason for him to randomly drop into my house unless he were there specifically to see me. That’ll probably still happen, too, but not nearly as often and not so randomly and unexpectedly.
At least I’ll be able to prepare.
“You know,” Kit turns her body toward mine, but her eyes remain on the guys, “Bobby says my eyes are like an open book. That I can’t lie for shit.” She bumps my shoulder. “I reckon the same could be said for you.”
“I haven’t lied about anything.”
She chuckles softly. “That was a lie. You lie every day. You’ve lied every day for months. I know something’s bothering you, Iz. Tell me now, and I can be your ally. Tell me and I can help you break it to Bobby.”
I blink away the itch in my eyes. I’ve never been a crier in my life. I prided myself on that fact. But since Bean, my tears flow annoyingly often. “How do you know?”
“Because you’re my sister. Because I love you.” Her soft hand slides down my arm until her fingers weave with mine. “I know you’re unhappy, Iz. You pretend to be happy. You probably fool a lot of people, but you don’t fool me.”
I drag my eyes from the mats and meet hers. Empathy. Caring. A little sympathy, but not enough to be annoying. She cares about me. She doesn’t have to, but she does anyway. “I still love him.” My voice cracks on the barely-there whisper. “It hurts so much.”