I stop with one leg in my pants, and the other suspended in mid-air. For the first time since the day inside Infernos, I meet someone’s eyes. “What?”
“Special Agent Kane Bishop. He was pushed up the ranks the year before last, after he and his partner busted up a seventeen-million-dollar operation that was similar to Hayes’. Drugs, girls, bad shit.”
I slowly pull my pants up and turn to Alex with brand-new tears sliding along my face. “He’s a cop?”
He nods.
“He’s not a bad person? He’s not a criminal?”
“No, honey. He was one of us. And he saved my life in that club.”
I use my shoulder and Kane’s shirt to wipe away a torrent of fresh grief. “I knew he was good.”I knew it.
“He was undercover at Infernos, and has been for nearly eighteen months. He was undercover, and so was his brother. They’ve been deep under for so long, nothing on their records is true except their names.”
“His birthday isn’t two days after mine?” For some reason, I grieve that, too. Like it’s important we share a birthday month. Even a birthday week. “His brother?” I frown and remember his file.Parents; both deceased. Siblings; one. Education; high school dropout. Starting quarterback on the varsity team. High school wrestling team. State champion. National champion.“His file said one sibling. No parents.”
He shrugs. “One father; alive. He’s still a decorated officer in the army. Mother; deceased. One brother. Jay Bishop. Two years younger. He and Jay have worked the last two undercover ops together.” He shrugs. “I dunno. No one really talks about UC ops, so it’s just guesswork. But I think I’ve got it straight.”
“Jay’s his brother.” I pull the drawstring on my pants and drag in deep breaths until my lungs ache. “Like, actual biological brother?”
“Yes. Do you know Jay? Did you meet him?”
“No.” I turn to tidy my messy drawers. “Jay was your ghost; the one you guys said you couldn’t identify. Kane told me Jay’s the ghost, but that you don’t have to worry about him. He won’t hurt us.”He won’t hurt me.“Kane said brother a few times, but I guess I thought he meant like how I say you’re my brother. Not by blood…”
“But by love.” He stands from my bed with a gentle smile. “You’re so accustomed to having so many made up brothers, it never occurred to you that he was being literal. They were biological brothers. Army brats. Decorated officers.”
I don’t know why anger roars in my blood instead of relief. I should be happy he’s innocent. I should be happy my instincts were on point. I knew he was good. I could feel it in my heart. It should make me happy that I was right, but it doesn’t, because none of it means a damn thing now.
It doesn’t mean shit, because he’s not here to bask in his innocence, or tease me for tricking me.
Turning away from the drawers, I snatch up his file and grab my bag and keys from the back of the door.
“Jess?” Alex follows me into the hall. Past Laine’s closed bedroom door. Through the living room past anotmaking out Luc and Kari.
They sent Alex in, because they’ve tried for a week already. They’re tired of my grief. Tired of my depression. Tired of me. “Jess!” Alex jogs behind me. “Where are you going?”
“For a drive.” I swing the door open and turn back in yoga pants and a shirt six sizes too big. “You guys go to fight night. I don’t want to.”
“Jessie…” Myrealbrother watches me through watery eyes. “You need family.”
I need Kane!
“I need to be alone.”
“You’re making us sick with worry. You need to stay home.”
“You just sent him in to coax me out!” I point out to the afternoon sun. “So, I’m going out.”
“We wanted you out with us!” Luc snaps. “With the Rollers. With Brat and Jack. Not on your own. Fuck, Jess. None of us know how to help you. None of us know what we’re going to find each day. We know you’re hurting, but you don’t share anything, you won’t let us help.”
“Help? You don’t wanna help! You want me to get over it. You judge me for falling in love with a criminal. You judge me for falling in love at all. Is that reserved only for you?” I point at Kari. At the girl who was mine before she was his. “You and X think you get the market share on love, and the rest of us just go on with our lives? Love isn’t a fucking pie, Luc! If I get a slice, it doesn’t make yours smaller.” My breath hitches until my lungs collapse inside my chest. “I’m allowed to be in love. And now he’s gone. Stop trying to make me getoverit. I can’t. I won’t. I don’t want to!”
I swing out the front door and slam it closed. Almost running, I move toward my little car parked in the same spot someone put it a week ago. I haven’t touched it. Haven’t moved it. Dropping into the driver’s seat, I look up half blind at the sound of the front door slamming closed a second time.
Laine sprints for the passenger side. When she throws herself in and meets my eyes, it’s like I’m looking at me, not because we’re identical, but because of the way her chest heaves. The way her eyes hold grief. “Take me with you. You don’t have to talk. You don’t have to get over anything. Just take me with you.”
“Okay.” I push the car into reverse and pull out of the driveway. Leaving my family standing at the front door, I speed past the cruiser and head to the freeway.