But we don’t. We stay away, because we can’t handle the other’s grief, and I don’t have the energy to even learn hers.
I don’t know the full details of why she’s sad. And my empty heart can’t find the energy to care.
I’m supposed to be strong for them all.
But I’m not.
I don’t care about them. I don’t care about anything except the empty space in my chest where a man used to live. Now there’s nothing, and every minute of every hour that I’m awake is a struggle to stay sane. To breathe.
Grieving is a person’s ability to live, even without their heart inside their body.
I don’t want this anymore.
I don’t want the pain.
But more than that, I don’t want the emptiness.
“Jessie?” Alex leans closer and lifts my chin. His voice is still scratchy and raw from smoke inhalation. He has tender shoulders and blisters. But he’s fine. Oz is fine. Luc and Ang are fine.
Everyone’s fine.
But not Kane.
And not me.
“What’d you do today, honey?”
I shrug. “Napped.”
“Did you get out? The sun’s out today. The breeze is cool; it feels good on your face.”
I shrug. “Did you want something?” I force a fake yawn. “I’m tired. I think I’m going to have an early night.”
“An early night?” He glances at the alarm clock tucked on my cluttered side table – cluttered and absolutely nothing like Kane’s apartment. “It’s four o’clock.”
I drop my chin until it rests on my chest. On the cotton shirt Kane sent me home in a lifetime ago. “I didn’t sleep well last night. Catching up on sleep.”
“We were thinking of having pizza tonight. The Rollers invited us over to hang out; it’s fight night. Britt wanted me to ask you to come.”
“Why didn’t Britt ask herself?”
“She did, honey. She asked you in text, but you didn’t answer.”
Oh. That makes sense.
I shake my head. “I don’t wanna go to fight night. You guys go. Have fun.”
“But–”
Sliding forward on my bed, I drop my feet to the floor for what feels like the first time in days, letting Kane’s shirt drop so the hem tickles my thighs. He was so big, so strong and unbreakable.
Until Abel broke him.
“Jess?” Alex sits forward. “You’re gonna come?”
“No.” I grab yoga pants and pull them up my tender legs. “I’m going for a drive.”
“He was a cop, Jess.”